Politics and Economy

I've promised myself that I'm going to be more politically aware for these elections. That's why I TiVo-ed the Presidential Debate from last week and am watching it now. However, I'm more focused at Sen. Obama's tie being crooked than what he's actually saying. Also, Sen. McCain's tie is too wide, and makes him look even stumpier and fatter. And I love how neither of them are giving straight answers to the questions the moderator is asking...

UPDATE: An hour after I started watching the debate, I found myself passed out on the couch, drooling on the seat cushion. I'm hoping the Vice-Presidential debate will be a lot more interesting to watch...

To further deter me away from voting, I just read on Yahoo News that voting can be hazardous to your health. Studies have shown that on average more people die in car crashes during voting hours on presidential election days than any other Tuesday in October or November. Apparently, it's an 18% increased risk. GRRRREAT.... Definitely mailing in my vote.

And regarding the bailout plan... I was watching Jay Leno last night and Russell Crowe was the guest. The United States has roughly a population of 300 million people. He proposed that the government should use the first $300 million of the $700 billion in the bailout plan, and give $1 million to every person in the US. THAT will increase spending and stimulate the economy! LOL. I find that plan so funny and yet so great because I'd LOVE $1 million. I can just fantasize about all the things I would buy! Well, the first thing I would do is go on vacation!
Um.. Edit: As J from DC Cised pointed out, I am the worst college graduate in the world and can't do any sort of math because Russell Crowe's plan would give us each $1, not a $1 million. So I feel like the biggest idiot and should probably just lay in a ditch somewhere and wither away...

In other news, I've added the new "Blog Followers" gadget on my sidebar, and it's showing a very sad and embarassing ZERO followers. I'd really appreciate it if I get at least some sort of number higher than 1. :) I've been using the Blog Followers on my Blogger Dashboard and I think it's a really convenient way to keep track of all the blogs that I read. So I think you should utilize it too.

My Day

My alarm on my iPhone rang at 10:43am. I snoozed the alarm about 3 times, and finally, around 11:15am, I decide to turn the alarm completely off. I open the Palringo Instant Messaging application on my iPhone and go through the buddy list. Clark was online, so I decided to get out of bed, and move over to the couch where my laptop was waiting for me. I turn on Yahoo Messenger and I say hey to Clark.

I've been so thankful for finding Clark and for finding Barry as well. I talk to these two guys more than my real life friends. I look forward to seeing them online everyday. I've been able to open up to them a lot more than my friends. Even the ones that I've already come out to. However, JW and Milo are coming over on Thursday for a "Boys Night" so maybe we'll be doing a lot of sharing that night.

At around 1:00pm, Clark signs off and I decide that I should get out of the house and do something. So I take my check that needed to be deposited about 3 weeks ago and go to the bank. This branch happens to be inside a grocery store, so I also do some grocery shopping, which includes a whole bunch of junk snacks and freezer foods. The whole time I was at the store, I was just not feeling well emotionally. My head was held low, I moved pretty slowly down the aisles, and I just wasn't happy. This has been going on for the past few days, but it was especially bad today.

I get home by 2:00pm and eat some lunch while watching Desperate Housewives. (Missed most of last season, but decided to put the season premiere on TiVo anyway) Then I got back online and browsed the internet for a while. Bored completely out of my mind, I decide to just take a nap before I have to head out for work.

I wake up at 5:15pm and drive to work. At work, I'm supposed to bring joy to paying customers, but I found myself having to force the smile of my face. It's usually an easy thing for me, but today, it was extra hard. I finish what I have to do, and I head home, not even a hint of a smile on my face.

I get home and Barry gets online. I had actually started writing him an email telling him my awful day, but I decide to just tell him on Yahoo Messenger. I explain to him it's J that's making me feel this way. Everything I do reminds me of J. No matter what it is, my mind will link it back to J. I tell him I'm sick of it. He tells me that J is not the right guy for me. And that I like the idea, but not actually him. Some part of me believes that. But then I also think about how perfect he was for me. We shared so many of the same interests and had amazing conversations together. And the sex was great. Am I ever going to find someone like that again? He tells me that I will - but I won't find him, and he won't find me, if I'm still hung up on someone else. There's got to be something that can be done to get my mind off of J. Why is it so hard??

The rest of the night, I watched Dancing with the Stars, Chuck, and Heroes. It's 3:00am now, and I'm watching a show on the National Geographic Channel. I should just get to sleep and try and sleep this depression away. I'm showing signs of mild depression but I just hope it doesn't get any worse. I see commercials on TV for the drug Cymbalta, and I just don't want to be like those actors in the commercial who are mopey and tragically unattractive...

Week 5 - Push Ups

Still doing my push ups - but I'm afraid Week 5 is kicking my ass already. I'm only on Day 1, and I had to take longer breaks than specified in the program. I made it through all the push ups, but it was tough. I had to do 40, 32, 30, 25, 40. That's 167 in total. Jeez that's a heck of a lot. I MIGHT actually repeat Week 4 just to build up the strength before going back to Week 5. The program does encourage you to repeat if you don't feel like your strength is ready for that week. OR, I might downgrade to the middle level on Week 5. (I guess you have to go check out the 100 Push-ups Program website to know what I'm talking about)

Damn, I'm tired now. I should get to sleep. I've got too much on my mind and I just want to sleep them off. Guess I'll have to save all of that for another blog.

Mambo Italiano

One thing about me that I may not have talked about yet (not sure) is that I'm a TV FIEND! I'm obsessed with so many tv shows and I find myself watching TV for more of the spare time. I know.. that's bad.. I should get off the couch and do stuff, but I can't help it. TV is awesome.

The 7th season (yes, 7 already!) of Dancing with the Stars premiered this past Monday. I'm only now catching up on the episodes (since I was in Florida). And I'm actually quite disappointed at all of the stars' performances. There's not ONE stand out performer this year... However, that doesn't stop me from noticing super hottie Italian chef Rocco DiSpirito!


AND he cooks! YUMMY! Food is definitely the way to my heart! lol.
I hope he stays around on the program for a while longer, though his chances don't look too good because he really can't dance. But let's hope all the food fans out there vote for him! I want to see him shake his booty in the cha cha and the samba! ;)


OH! And my favorite professional dancer Maxim Chmerkovskiy is back on the show this season! SO hot! He's with Misty May Treanor and she's not too bad, so I think they'll stay for a little bit.

Lost Baggage

So my flight landed at 10:oopm PDT last night and by 10:15pm, I'm already at baggage claim. My first piece of luggage comes out pretty quickly, but then I wait for my second bag for about 15 minutes. Milo calls me and tells me he's already waiting for me outside. I tell him my second bag hasn't come out and that I think they've lost it.

See, getting on my first flight in Orlando to Phoenix, I was one of the last ones to board the plane. So when I get on, the flight attendant tells me that there is no more overhead bin space. I had to check my bag. So I just leave it on the gangway and board the plane. Then I realize that nothing on my bag tells them that I'm going to be on a connecting flight to Orange County, CA. So I tell the flight attendant and he asks me for my name and my destination and the description of my bag. They said they got it in time and have taken care of it.

Well, they didn't take care of it. And I didn't get my bag last night. I talk to Southwest Airlines customer service and they tell me that they'll do everything they can to find it. This morning, I get a call from the lady at customer service and she tells me that the bag is in Phoenix and never made it out to California. But they are sending it over on the next flight. So at 12:00noon, I get the call again and they tell me that my bag is here. They could either send the bag to me (free of charge) or I can go pick it up along with a travel voucher. Well, I heard travel voucher and immediately agreed to go pick it up. It wasn't that far anyway, and I had other business around the area, so I drive down and pick it up.

After driving around the parking lot at the airport for 15 minutes, I finally find a parking spot millions of miles away from where I need to be, and walk in to get my bag. They didn't even ask me for my identification... Anyone could've have taken my bag! But anyway, I take it back to my car (a million miles away) and I open the travel voucher. $50 towards my next Southwest flight. Well, not too shabby! I still also have a one way ticket through JetBlue, so it looks like I will be making another trip somewhere in the near future!! Perhaps another Florida trip?? haha. Maybe this time I can actually get on that cruise!

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5 Things You Didn't Know About Me Before (stolen from joshua, THANKS!)

1. I own a Nintendo Wii and the hugely popular WiiFit - yet I never play it even though I have loads of time to kill... why? who knows.
2. I have scoliosis. For those who don't know, it means my spine is curved from side to side. So instead of a straight spine, mine is in the shape of an S... no surgery needed yet... and hopefully never will.
3. I drive a Prius! It's black! and it's amazing! I've had it for almost 1.5 years now. Love every part of it.
4. I graduated with a B.A. in Economics from UCLA.... and I hated that place.
5. I really want to learn how to ballroom dance... I might ask for ballroom lesson for my birthday... which is in 3 weeks from today!

Flying Home

I am on my way home right now. I have a two hour layover in Phoenix, AZ. Flying Southwest (hence the picture), and I don't like it one bit. I hate that we don't have assigned seats. And for whatever reason, I was given a really high boarding number for my 4.5 hour flight. So, I was stuck in a middle seat. I HATE sitting in the middle seat. And the guy on my left had his overhead air vent slightly too far to the right so it was blowing at my arm and lower torso area for the entire trip. I tried to adjust it when he was sleeping or looking away but I couldn't get it all the way out of my path. So I had this annoying breeze on me for the whole trip. And then when he would be awake and reading a magazine, the magazine would deflect the air right into me so I had a full on fan on me. ARGH. That's so annoying. In addition, there's nothing to lean on while sitting in the middle seat so whenever I tried to sleep, my head would fall forward and when I would wake up, I had the worst pain in my neck. 4.5 hours! At least the guys next to me didn't smell....

Now to hunt down a hot guy to sit next to on my flight back to California!

The Meeting

Disclaimer: This is a REALLY long post. Make sure you have a snack or some coffee before reading. haha. (And if you make it through the whole post, your comments are greatly appreciated!! hehe... sorry for being a comment whore.. )

So as you know, I'm in Florida, and its known for random rain storms. Well, around 3:00pm, it started to rain. It only started sprinkling at first, so I didn't think anything of it and get on the monorail to head to a theme park. As I got on the monorail, the rain starts getting heavier. I thought to myself, "Oh crap... I don't have an umbrella." I exit the monorail and as I step out onto the platform, I just hear the pouring rain. Here's what it looked like:


It's not that clear of a picture, but you get the idea. This is at 3:30pm. Only 45 minutes ago, it was super sunny and hot. So I stand in the station for a good 30 minutes, deciding what to do. I finally decide that I need to just run out into the rain and get back to my hotel. So when the rain let up a bit, I made my dash. I step into puddles and puddles of water and get completely drenched, but it was actually kind of fun and kind of an adventure.

I finally get to my bus station for my resort. I lose my camera case (my camera is ok though because I had it out to take video of myself running. lol), but everything else is fine. I take my iPhone out and check to make sure there was no water damage. When turning it on, I see that I have an email in my inbox.

Are you free for dinner?

One guess as to who that email was from! If you said J, then you are correct!! I couldn't contain my joy at that moment. One minute I was running in the rain, the next, I finally get what I've been waiting for! So fast forward to 6:30pm, he is outside my door knocking! I totally freak out for a second but then regain my composure and open the door. We exchange a giant hug and we head out. We drive about 15 minutes or so and takes me to a nice sushi restaurant (we both like sushi)

So we catch up on each other's lives. I of course don't tell him about my complete obsession over him. But he does tell me about his ex, Captain Douchebag, and I felt bad for him. Then he tells me he has a new guy..... It's someone he's known for a long time and always had an attraction to but only recently started seeing him in a new way. SIGH.... You have no idea how disappointed to hear that but I do not let myself show it. I tell him I'm really happy for him and that he deserves it. He tells me that they're not officially anything yet, but I can tell he really likes him.

Afterwards, he drives me to the shopping district and we window shop and walk around for about an hour. We just talk and have fun. We were playful and I really enjoyed our time together. I really couldn't have asked for a better date. He drove me back to my hotel, and on the way back, he asks me "Why are you still single?" I have no idea what to say to that. He continues, "I mean, you're funny, intelligent, and attractive. It just doesn't make sense that you're single." I really did not know how to respond to that. I just told him, "I don't know..." Talk about mixed signals... I really didn't know how to take that. Was he just being nice and trying to give me some confidence about myself? Or was he trying to tell me something? I decide that it's just the first reason and don't think much more of it. We drive up to the hotel and our date is over... I reach over for another giant hug. It was a long embrace.. I didn't want to let go. But I didn't want to be a creeper and just hang on forever so I break the hug and open the door. I tell him, "Make sure to let me know if you're coming out to LA again." And he says of course. I close the door and he drives off.

Should I have asked him if he wanted to come up to the room to hang out? I really wish I did. Because right as I closed the door, I realized I still had to go back to an empty room. I walked in my room and just felt completely lonely again. I really do regret that I didn't at least ask, but I just have to get over it. An hour afterwards, I receive an email in my inbox:

D!

I made i home safe and sound. Thanks for everything, I had a lot of fun with you. You're so sweet and funny, not to mention incredibly super handsome. I am so proud of you for coming out to your friends, that was such a brave act and a leap of faith. See what a little confidence can do. :-)

I hope I get to come out to LA rather than Paris. Enjoy your last full day!

J

So there you go... it's that line again. "You're so sweet and funny, not to mention incredibly super handsome." Sigh... But let's first talk about how HE emailed me! Not to a reply to me! OMG, that's a pretty big step I think. Just glad he really wants to be friends. It sucks that he has a guy now, but I'm really happy for him. He's been through a lot with Captain Douchbag and Ex-Boyfriend #1. So I'm glad that he has someone that's (seemingly) great for him.

I just really need to go home now. Today, I spent the whole day alone in the parks. After having such a wonderful time with J, I just want to go home now and leave it at that. There's nothing else that can be done with him anymore. He has a guy and I need to respect that. I was talking with Barry online while in the park, and I told him I need to just get over him. He tells me not to completely get over him. Just put him on the back burner and take it down a notch. He told me never to say never, because you never can know what will happen. But there's no need to just forget about him. He tells me I'll always have feelings for him and that's completely ok. It just shouldn't get in the way of finding new guys because there are lots of other guys out there that is right for me. I really appreciated Barry's advice. And it makes perfect sense to me. I hope I will be able to do that, because I definitely don't want to forget about him. But I also need to just put myself out there and find other guys.

So, this should not be the end of the "J Saga." It certainly is the end of a big chapter.. maybe a whole Volume tho. This has been a real giant part of my life, figuratively speaking. It only started at the end of August, but I feel like J has really helped me find who I really am. And for that, I thank him and will forever be grateful. Some day, I will let him know just exactly how much he has meant to my life... but I guess that will be another Volume of the story.

P.S. I'm so freaking pissed off that I didn't take a picture with him. I guess that will just have to wait until the next time I see him... whenever that will be.

2.5 Days Left

It is now Sunday night... wait, make that Monday morning. That means that there are only two and half days of Florida left. As you read in the previous post, I was so happy that I finally got in contact with J. But I'm afraid that we're playing the same game as before. And I am once again foolish enough to wait for him. Regrettably, we did not set a time or date for our meeting. He simply said that he would be free either Monday or Tuesday night, and possibly Sunday night (but we can scratch Sunday night off the list). But we definitely don't have a set time. I told him to call me once he knows - but what I should have done was insist on a time/date. Instead, I am now waiting for his response again. What a horrible position to be in again. And I thought that I had made progress.

My fear is that he's just going to tell me that he's too busy and won't be able to meet up with me. That would really be the worst thing that can happen. But, I'm going to think positive. My time in Florida has not ended and this can still happen. Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Power Rangers

I'm such a big nerd, but I was a huge Power Rangers fan when I was in elementary school. I thought they were the best things since sliced bread and had all the action figures and zords and even some of the VHS tapes (as many as my mom would allow me to get).

A lot has changed since the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90s. They've had so many different seasons with so many different casts. One of the more recent ones was Power Rangers: Mystic Force. After the success of Harry Potter and the wizarding world, the Power Rangers franchise followed suit. Enter my crush: The GREEN Mystic Ranger. He's Australian and his accent makes him all the more HOT! His name is Richard Brancatisano. He hasn't really done much else, but he was in a movie (tv show?) in Australia that spoofed boy bands, called Boy Band. LOL. Gotta check it out some time!

And Now The Wait

You'll never believe what happened. I don't even believe what happened.

J just chatted with me online.

Yeah, I'm seriously shocked. And not emails. But chat. AH!
So he apologized for being so BUSY with work and family visiting and all this crap. And he asks me how long I'm staying in Florida. And then HE proposes getting together for dinner while I'm still here. AH!
I try to play it as cool as possible in the chat - so trying not to sound like a stupid little school girl talking to her crush. And I say "yeah, that'd be real cool." He thinks he'll be free either tomorrow or the night after. AH!

So basically, now I just have to wait. Wait for him to call me and let me know when he'll be free and when our little meeting will be. I'm just going to take it as meeting up with a friend, and not a date or anything like that. I don't want to ruin it by assuming anything. AH!

I really can't contain my happiness right now that he finally... FINALLY... responded to me. But now, it's this wait that I'm so nervous about. I really hope he doesn't blow me off! AH!

Orlando

I'm beginning to regret my decision to come to Orlando. No matter how much I convinced myself that J was NOT the reason for coming out here... it seems as though he really was. I mean, if I actually got on that cruise, then I really could say that I was coming to get on the cruise and visit my friends. But now, I'm alone in my hotel room, with nothing to do but watch Dolly Parton on Jay Leno. FUCK! I'm so pissed off at myself. And what sucks even more is that I am incapable of having fun -- I want to go to the clubs, but I've never been and more importantly I don't want to go alone. This is just depressing. I hope visiting the theme parks tomorrow will cheer me up.

Made it to Florida!

So I hopped on my JetBlue flight Wednesday morning and made my way over to Florida. Wonderful flight. No complaints. Didn't have anyone sitting next to me the whole way there (I had a connecting flight), so I was very happy. :) Go to Florida and PeeJ was there to pick me up. I also met up with my friend Anthony (who is my friend who's getting married at Disneyland, see previous post) and the three of us went to a bar to just catch up. It was great times. I spent the night at PeeJ's family's house. Next day, I met up with two more friends who I used to work with and now work out here in Florida. Had lunch with them at TGIFriday's. Then spent the rest of the day with PeeJ at Disney's Hollywood Studios.

I'm just so happy that I have friends to visit out here. It's great that I'm going on vacation on my own, but it's always better when friends are involved. And I'm just happy to see all of them because I don't get to see them at all anymore!

On to more depressing news now... I emailed J when I was at the airport waiting for my connecting flight. I kept it short, and let him know that I was going to be in Florida... wait... let me just copy and paste the whole thing:

Hey J,

I'm making my way out to Florida right now. I really needed the vacation from work. The cruise fell through (long story), but I'm staying with my friend for the first two days, and then at two different resorts the rest of the time, until the 24th. Not gonna lie, pretty bummed I haven't heard from you in a while, but I'd really love it if you'd come meet me while I'm in Orlando, if anything, just for coffee or something. so please write back or call me and let me know.. you have my number. If you don't want to, then just tell me and I'll leave you alone. it's only fair.

-DL

So what do you guys think? Straight to the point and I ask for a response. Well, nothing yet. It's been a day and a half now. I'm waiting for the weekend to give him time to respond. But I'm seriously just so sad about my situation. I talked with JW and Clark about being depressed... and they talked me out of it a little. But I'm still pretty down. And I know it's absolutely STUPID but I really can't help it. Why is this happening to me?? When will I find happiness again? Milo suggests that I go out to the theme parks, meet cute boys, and be slutty. No other time than while on vacation. LOL! This may be the best advice I've gotten in a long time.

Used For Sex

Talking to Milo online about J. I think I'm starting to get over it more and more. It's been 9 days since his last email to me. I'm pretty sure that means there's no hope. I'm still sending him one last email once I arrive in Florida, but that's going to be it. Milo tells me he totally used me for sex. I thought it was something more than that. If you read all of the emails we sent to each other, it would sound more than just sex to you too. But I guess he's just a great actor. A great liar. So what can I do now? I guess just check "getting used for sex" off the list and move on.

So now I'm wondering, why doesn't J want to use me for sex again when I'm in Florida?? LOL

Push-Ups: Week 3, Day 2

Oh. My. God.
Tonight's push-ups were really intense. Here's the breakdown: 27, 19, 19, 15, 25, with 90 seconds rest in between each set. That's 105 in total!!! I finished the first set of 27 and I was kinda tired already. And then I started my 19 and by the time I got to #15, my arms were shaking already, but I finished them without cheating. The next set of 19, I started shaking around 10 pushups. I had to push myself up into a downward dog position (hopefully you all know your Yoga poses) to give myself a little rest. I figure if I don't put my knees down on the ground, I'm not fully giving up. I finish the rest of the 19, but I was definitely tired and huffing and puffing. I tried to shake it off as much as I could and stretched out the muscles. I then started my 15 and had to take two downward dog breaks to finish it. And then finally, the last 25. THAT was so ridiculously hard! I took multiple breaks in order to get it done. BUT, I got it done!! I was dying by the end.. but I did them! 105 push-ups baby!!!

But now I'm pretty worried at how I'm going to do for the next day's session. 30, 22, 22, 20, 27!! AHHH!! 121 push-ups!!! oy... that's going to be REAL tough. I'm gonna stick to it and really push myself though. I REALLY want to achieve the goal of 100 consecutive push-ups and the old saying is true: NO PAIN, NO GAIN! BRING IT ON!!

Coming Out, #2

Well, I did it! Last night, I came out to my friend, Milo. He's gay as well and he's been the friend that I really wanted to come out to the most. He's become one of REALLY great best friends and it's just been killing me to not be honest with him. Last night, we were talking online just about random stuff and I just felt like it was time to tell him. I was talking to Barry at the same time too and I was telling Barry what I intended to do. Barry was so supportive and pretty much coached me through telling Milo. It was so nice of Barry and I think he really helped me.

So I just IMed Milo and told him that I had something to tell him. I typed out what I wanted to stay but my finger hovered over the "ENTER" button for a good 3 minutes. Finally, I just decided to press the button. And at first I didn't know how he was going to respond. But he was nothing but supportive. One of the first things he said back was: Can I just tell that I'm very proud of you for being true to yourself. He really is a great friend and it just makes me feel so good to finally be honest with him. And for the next hour and a half we just talked. He got mad that I told JW first (well not really mad.. just jokingly). He also told me he was going to take me out to West Hollywood with JW and celebrate. LOL. Of course, we talked about J, and how I was going to Florida to possibly see him. He gave me some valuable advice and I'm definitely going to try and listen to it.

Well, two coming outs and both were great. As Barry said, I'm just letting my friends know a little bit more about myself by coming out to them. It's just one more characteristic of me that they'll know about. I'll still be the me that I've always been. I think thinking about it that way is really going to help me in coming out to more of my friends.

Vacation Trouble

Tuesday night, my friends came over to watch TV and during that time, I was on the internet looking at possible vacation dates. My work allows me to get some awesome discounts for some Caribbean cruises so I was looking into those because I have a few friends working on the cruise ship. So, I checked the dates and there was a 3-day Caribbean cruise for only $300 from Sept 18-21. PERFECT. So I scramble to find plane flights. I'm using points from JetBlue to get a free flight. I find the flights I need. I look into hotel stays in Florida because I'm not going out to Florida and not sticking around for a few days to hang out at the theme parks. So I check that as well. It all looks good. Now, can I get the days off of work? So that was the problem... I needed to find people to fill my days. So I frantically message, email, text as many people as I know that can fill my shifts. But I decided to wait until the next day to book my flights and the cruise because I wanted to make sure I could do it. But I was excited that I was going to be spontaneous and just GO!


Well, Wednesday morning comes around. I get a few responses back from my co-workers and I have two days out of five filled now. Still waiting on the others. I can potentially call in sick on one day, but I can't call in sick 3 days. So I'm still waiting for more responses. It's around 3pm - I finally get 4 people to fill my shifts, I'm good! So I go to the cruise site to book my cruise..... SOLD OUT! FUCK! I call the cruise line directly... they tell me that it was booked up about an hour or two ago. They tell me that there's still a chance that the discounts can open up later.... great...

So for the next few hours, I'm pretty pissed off at myself. I can't believe I waited so long to book that cruise. It could've been mine! I could've been on it! FUCK! So, 9pm rolls around. I'm talking to my friend PeeJ. I tell him my situation, and he tells me... "Oh, well I'll be home (in Florida) next week... you can just crash at my place for a few days if you want to still go." SCORE!! Hell ya! So the time that I would've been on the cruise, I can just stay at PeeJ's place. And the rest of the time, I was going to get a hotel and stay there myself anyway. FUCK YA!

So I get on JetBlue and book that sucker right away! HAHA.
So I guess it worked out in the end. I now have an 8 day vacation to beautiful Orlando, FL! I'm so happy I made those plane reservations. And I'm still calling the cruise line every day to make sure - just to check if the discounts open up.

Now, knowing that I'm going to be in Florida next week, I emailed J. Here is the complete email:

Hey J,

So ive been talking to my friends on the cruise and it looks like I'm going to be making my trip out to Orlando earlier than expected and it's most likely going to be next week. 17th-24th. I'll be on the 3-day cruise from 18th-21st and then spend the rest of the time at WDW for the food and wine festival. You think you'd want to meet up and hang out while I'm out there?
Let me know. It'd be great to see you if you're free.

-D

I just mentioned the cruise anyway just in case I get to go on the cruise. I think it's not too desperate right? I'm just seeing if he wants to hang out. Really, if he doesn't respond, then so be it. His loss. I might be upset, but I won't let it get me down while I'm on vacation.

I'm excited to be out on vacation on my own. I haven't done that before! And I can just be myself. The REAL me. Maybe I'll go to a club. Maybe I'll meet a guy. I'll just have to be brave and do it. Explore! For all you out there reading this, I hope you will all encourage me to get out there and discover the possibilities. I'm such a timid person and I really just want to change that. Hopefully being in a new environment will bring that out.

Progress

So I forgot to blog about this: the last email I got from J was 3 days ago. In it, he tells me that he may be put on a different project in October and may not be coming back out to California after all. He says he's supposed to come out here, but it's still up in the air. It sucks that I might not be getting my date.

But maybe that will just help me get my mind off him.
In a few hours, it will have been 3 days since I've emailed J. I've restrained myself - and have stopped emailing him. No more emails telling him how my day was or asking how his day was. When I used to do that, I wouldn't get responses from him until 3-4 days later. And each time, his excuse is that he works too much. Well, that MAY be the case, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for his emails anymore. I have other friends that I can email and they will actually respond in a timely manner. So he can make the next move and email me... Let's see when that will be. Any one want to take a guess on when he'll email me again?

-----------------------------------------

So I was talking with JW about my whole ordeal with J. And he tells me, if it makes me feel better, maybe I don't have to completely forget about him. But just put him on the back burner for a while. Keep him in mind, but don't let him control what I do. I thought that was really great advice because it's somewhere in between obsessing over him (which I just don't want to do anymore) and completely forgetting about him (which I'm not ready to do). I'm so glad I came out to JW. I really appreciate his friendship.

But maybe I have to do is write our night together off as just a simple one night stand. Maybe if I just think of it that way, it'll make putting him on the back burner a lot easier. I mean, I'm not truly a gay guy until I have casual sex, right? lol, jk. That was way stereotypical. But really, people have one night stands all the time. I just never thought I would be the guy to have one, but maybe it's something I can be proud of. haha. I did something that I never thought I would do. I had a one night stand with a stranger. How fucking cool is that?! LOL.

Continue to Push Up

I just ended Week 2 of the One Hundred Push Ups Plan. Seriously, I recommend this program to anyone who wants to develop their chest muscles more or just want to be able to do more pushups. If someone told me that I would be doing over 70 push ups in week 2 of the program, I would think they were crazy. Of course, these aren't 70 straight push ups one right after the after. They're in "sets." 15, 15, 12, 12, and 20. (74 in total tonight). But by the end of Week 6, as long as I "pass" each week, I will be able to do 100 push ups without resting. That's just AMAZING! I really can see improvements in my chest area already and I'm excited to track the progress. Now I just need to make sure that I'm working other areas of my upper body as well. Need to work out the shoulders, the back, and the biceps/triceps more.

A Change In My Life

I feel like I'm living in the wrong part of the country. I've been talking to several people online, cool guys that I've found in online chats. But all these cool guys live somewhere real far away. Then on the online dating site, the person that was actually interested in me and could hold a conversation lives in Florida (talking about J, in case you didn't get it. heh). I feel more and more that Southern California is just not the right place for me... Which is hard to think about because I've lived here for 95% of my life (I was born elsewhere). But maybe it's time to make a drastic change and move away.

There's something really intriguing and tempting about just grabbing everything and moving to some place else. Wouldn't it be cool to just start completely over in a new place? However, it's also a very scary thought. I would have to find a place to live, a job, new friends. But this has been something I've thought about multiple times this past year. You see, I received my Teaching Credential this past year, but with the education budget crisis, I didn't get the job that I wanted. So now, I have the whole school year off and it's the perfect situation to actually go and do something like move to a whole new place and try something different.

Right now, I work for a big entertainment company that has establishments in both Anaheim,CA and Orlando, FL. I've actually already started searching for transfer opportunities over in Orlando, but I'd be looking for salaried positions instead of an hourly position that I have now. I mean, I did graduate from UCLA with a BA in Economics, have my Teaching Credential in Mathematics, and am earning my Masters in Education that is to be completed in summer 2009. So I think that I'm pretty qualified for SOME kind of salaried job. Plus my 5 years of experience with the company should count for something too.

"Wait, DL, you're applying for jobs in Orlando, Florida? Isn't that where J lives and works?!"
Ok -- yes, I admit that J is a part of the reason for really thinking about this stuff more seriously, but really, it's something that has been in my mind for a while and J might have just pushed it far enough that I want to make it a reality. So i'm not denying that I may be pursuing this because of J, but it really is more than that and I'm doing it for myself. If it works out that moving to Florida makes things with J better, then that'd be great! But it's time that I put my education to good use and do something different with my life.

Coming Out

What a great night tonight. A few hours ago, I came out to one of my real close friends, JW. He's gay too, so in the back of my mind, I knew it would go well. But it was still pretty hard to do it. And I just felt it was time.

We were chatting on AIM for a while, and there was just an incredible segue that I couldn't pass up. It still took me a little bit to actually press ENTER and say to him "I'm gay," but I finally did it. Funny thing was he didn't respond for about 5-10 seconds and I was like, "Um... say something..." And he tells me: "Sorry, I was on Facebook." So I say, "Gee thanks... I come out to you and you're on Facebook." lol. I'm glad it was a funny experience. And he was cool about it, saying that he was in the same shoes not so long ago so he totally understand. So I just really want to thank JW for making it a lot easier than I thought it would be and for being an awesome friend. He even made me his default pic on MySpace in honor of tonight. haha.

And then we've just been chatting about anything and everything now for the past 3 hours. I'm happy that I did it and it really was a weight off my shoulders. I know I have a lot more people to tell, but I'm glad I made this first step.

Wedding Bells

My friends are getting married in October! The happy couple will be getting married at the Disneyland Resort! This is where the ceremony is going to take place (I believe):

It looks so amazing. So excited!
Oh, I should mention that my friends are guys. They live in New York now, but for obvious reasons, they're getting married back here in California. I'm just excited that I got invited. I've never been to a friend's wedding before! I've only been to my sister's wedding about 5 years ago. Oh jeez, what to wear?! What to get them?! They're registered at Bloomingdales... um, can I even afford anything in there?! Well, I'm just really happy for my friends and it should be an AMAZING ceremony and reception.

Also, I get to bring a guest. I wonder if J will be in California during the wedding... He does owe me that date he promised me....

One Hundred Push-Ups: Week 2

I've made it past Week 1 of the "One Hundred Push-Ups" program and now I'm on day one of Week 2. I'm continuing to be very proud of myself for sticking to this program. In this first day of Week 2, I did less total push-ups than the last day of Week 1, but I had less time in between each set. So it definitely was a challenge to get through all of them, but I did it. And I did an extra 5 at the end too.

I'm beginning to see even more results in my chest. It's definitely more defined than it was two weeks ago and I'm very happy. Now I need to head to the gym more often and work on the arms, shoulders, and back too. I mean, it'll definitely help keep my mind off of J! Two birds with one stone. lol. Maybe when I see even more results, I'll post some before and after photos. It'll be good for myself to track my progress.

I'm also thinking about picking up some sort of outdoor hobby. Trying to decide what I want to do... but I need one because I'm sitting at home doing nothing during the day and that's not good! Any suggestions?

What I Want to Say

J,

You're a jerk for "smiling" at me.
You're a jerk for emailing me and chatting with me.
You're a jerk for inviting me to watch TV with you.
You're a jerk for being so cute.
You're a jerk for having a great conversation with me.
You're a jerk for sharing your story with me.
You're a jerk for holding my hand.
You're a jerk for stroking my hair.
You're a jerk for kissing me so gently.
You're a jerk for holding me so tight when we slept.

I wish you would email me.
I wish you would text me.
I wish you would call and talk to me.
I wish you would realize how much I like you.
I wish you would understand that I'm head over heels for you.
I wish you were ready for a relationship.
I wish you were willing to have a long distance relationship.
I wish you didn't live so far away.

I want to get to know you more.
I want to be able to talk to you.
I want to be your shoulder to lean on.
I want to give you a hug.
I want to tell you that you're an amazing guy.
I want to kiss you like you kissed me.
I want to cuddle with you when we sleep.

I need to realize you're too far away.
I need to take my mind off of you.
I need to realize there are other guys out there.
I need to get over you.

DL

The Closure Saga

Is this what closure feels like?

J emailed me back after I sent him that email. It was 3am his time when the email came through and he says that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about what I said. He couldn't help but think that he has upset me. He apologized for not being ready to be in a relationship, but he wants to continue our friendship and is still up for our date in October when he comes back out to California.

I emailed back and I told him that sure I was upset but it wasn't anything that he was doing wrong... just the circumstances that we found ourselves in. I did tell him that I was happy that he wanted to continue our friendship because I thought I had ruined it by being too pushy about a relationship.

So I mean, that's closure right? We both agreed that a relationship right now isn't the best thing. It wouldn't have been the smart thing at all, considering we really only knew each other for a few days. So we both made the smart decision and we're going to be friends.

So why the f*** am I still thinking about him all day? I'm trying to do stuff to get my mind off of him... I'm going out with my friends... I'm going to work... I go to the gym... I chat online with friends... I watch TV. But I still find myself thinking about him, checking my phone to see if he has replied in an email, leaving my Gmail open waiting for a new email in the Inbox. What the hell am I doing? Why can't I just get him out of my mind? I even have thoughts about just jumping on an airplane to go see him. Who the heck does that?!

Freakin' A -- I NEED to do SOMETHING to get over him.

Why I Can't Deny I'm Gay..

So I went to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant tonight down in Newport Beach, and upon walking out to go back towards my car, I see a dead rat on the sidewalk. Grossed out, but slightly intrigued, I try to take a picture with my iPhone. But it was too dark.

Then my friend notices that there was another dead rat further down in a lit alleyway. So still wanting a picture, I run over to take a quick snapshot. As I got closer to take the shot, the rat wiggles its nose and starts moving! I jumped up and started screaming like a frickin lunatic and ran out of that alleyway. Not my proudest moment..... but a funny one nonetheless. And I didn't even get my picture...

Closure #3

J

You know what? I don't think I've been thinking too clearly. Maybe it's cuz I just don't want to see it but I can see now that I'm just not the right guy right now. I should've seen it earlier in your other emails but I kept pushing. But I think it's time I just accepted it.

You're a real great guy and I'm always going to remember the great time we spent together. If you're still up for meeting up when you're out here in October then that's great. I mean you have my number now so just give me a call then.

Don't worry. You haven't hurt me in any way. It's just what it is and it's the wrong time and place I guess.

I do hope that you feel better about what happened with [Douchebag Ex]. Don't let what he did get to you. I can't say this enough but you're a GREAT guy and good things will come for you.

Take care ok? And thank you for everything. I really mean it.

DL

Closure #2: The Response

J wrote to me this morning while at work.

This past weekend, his ex called him to tell him that he has fallen in love with someone else. This boyfriend had left for school in Amsterdam a few months ago and through mutual friends, J found out that he had been cheating on him while over there. And all this time, the guy didn't contact him. And then this weekend he calls him not to tell him that they weren't right for each other, but that he had fallen IN LOVE with someone else. That really hurt J.

And so he told me that this was definitely not the right time for him to be entering in a long distance relationship. Of course, I was prepared for that. But like I said before, I feel like now I have tried everything and said everything that I wanted him to hear. I still told him that I'm not losing hope for the possibility of the two of us getting together later down the road. And I'm hoping that he'll take me up on my offer for a shoulder to lean on. Hopefully he'll give me a call so that we can talk.

Sigh... I really need to move on. Any single guys out there want to date me? lol.

Push-Ups = Bigger Muscles = GOOD

So I blogged about my Push-Ups program before and I'm really proud of myself for sticking to it. It's only been 1 week, but STILL... that's good for me! I'm usually really bad when it comes to working out. But I'm really beginning to feel that being healthy and keeping fit is making me feel better about myself. I'm liking the progress that I'm making. the progress seems minimal, but each little step is a step towards the right direction. An example of this was just the other night. For my work, I get to wear different outfits as part of my job. And this summer, I had a pair of pants that fit me a little more snug than I would like. Every time I would try to button it, I'd have to suck in a little so that I could comfortably get it closed. And it would be slightly uncomfortable bending over to put my shoes on after they were buttoned. But two nights ago, after a week off from being in that outfit, I put those pants back on, and I COMFORTABLY buttoned the pants. My first thought was, "Are these my pants?!" I unbuttoned them and checked the label and it definitely had my name in them. lol. I think I walked around and told everyone around me about my accomplishment.

Well anyway, the push-ups program is working. Each time I do the push-ups, I feel that I have more strength to do more than I could before. I just finished Week 1 right now. This last day of Week 1 had me doing 15, then 13, then 10, then 10, and then as many as possible (but at least 15), with 2 minutes rest in between each set. I decided to set a goal of 20 for that last set. So in total, I did 68 pushups tonight! That's WAY more than I ever was able to do before. And just in this past week, I can kind of see the results in my chest, my shoulders, and my arms. And that's the area that I want to work on the most. So I'm really glad that I'm getting the results that I want.

In other fitness news, last night, our work had a pizza party/movie night in celebration of the end of the Summer period. (I know it's not ACTUALLY the end of summer yet... but for work, Labor Day marks the end of Summer) And at the party, I ate a slice of Cheese pizza, 2 slices of Pepperoni pizza, a slice of Supreme pizza, and a slice of garlic bread. Oh.. and a can of Coke. Sigh... so after doing that, I felt like a big fat pig. So I desperately needed to work it off. I decided to go to the gym and go swimming. I absolutely love the feeling of swimming. I'm not good at it (I hardly go anywhere when I'm doing the freestyle) but I just like it a lot. I did a whole bunch of laps until my arms felt like they were going to fall off. And I was able to try out my new Aussiebum swimwear. ;) I felt pretty sexy in them. Can't wait until I go to the beach in them. Here's what they look like:



If only I looked THAT good in them. haha. But yeah, I love them. I highly recommend them!

Anyway, the point is I had a good work out, I'm gaining a better body, and I'm proud of myself for sticking to it. ;)

Closure #2

The heart is a very curious thing.

I really thought I had closure, but the more and more I thought about it, it just really didn't give me closure at all. And you're probably going to read this post and you're probably going to ask "What the hell is he doing??" and a part of me is asking the same thing, but the other part, the part that is dictated by my heart, is saying a different thing.

So the email I got from J... long distance relationships didn't work out. But are all long distance relationships doomed? My friend is a perfect example of a great long distance relationship. She met her guy while vacationing in Ireland with her family. Now she lives in California and he lives in Maryland. But they make it work and they're completely in love. You know, they may be the exception to the rule, but the point is that it can happen. And what is to say that it can't happen for J and me? Yes, he's been hurt by two guys due to long distance relationships and it'd be completely hard for him to start another one, but it's just almost unfair that he wouldn't give it a try.

And yes, I wrote him another email. I just laid it all out there. Told him everything that I felt. I told him that he has made a lasting impression on me and that he is just way too great of a guy to pass up on and it would be foolish for me to just simply give up on a relationship without at least trying. I told him that I would be willing to work real hard to be have the privilege to be with him. (oooh damn, I wish I said it like that in the email... damn that 20/20 hindsight!)

Here is what I said at the end:

I hope that you will take time to think about what I've said and reconsider a relationship with me. If you do decide that it'd be too hard, then I will of course respect your decision. But my hope is that I've made enough of an impression on you for you to want to be with me.

"What were you thinking!?"
Well, like I said, I don't want to give up on this without giving it a try. I just couldn't deny what my heart was telling me to do. But now, I really do think that this email will give me the closure that I need. I've said all I wanted to say and if he decides that it'd be too hard, then I'll respect his decision, but this time I know that I tried.

I'm not being unrealistic about it... I just wanted to make sure I got it all out there. And now I have, and now I wait for his response...... again.

Closure

So, I wrote that I wouldn't email my boy again. But I felt like I really needed to write one last email to him explaining things to him and apologizing for my behavior for the past few days. And I think I'm just going to be referring to him as "J" from now on. Here's the email that I sent him:

Hey J,
I just wanted to say sorry if I've been a bit too forward with you, but I felt like you should know how I feel about you. I just had a great time with you the short time we've known each other and you've simply caught me by surprise. In any case, I'm glad you will be coming back to Anaheim in October. If you wanna hang out at that time, then give me a call. Hope you're feeling better, and take care of yourself.
-DL

I felt like it just needed to be said, and a great way for me to put the ball in his court. If he wanted to respond to me, he could. But if he didn't, I would be happy to know that I told him what I needed him to know.

Well, after I sent it, I felt a lot better. I went back to work and I basically had a great day, not thinking about it all. Then about 7pm at night, I receive a response back. Here's an excerpt:

So yes . . . I think about you too. You're a great guy! I don't understand how such a handsome sweet guy like yourself could be single. It doesn't make sense. As far as a relationship goes, I really like you and if we lived in the same time zone, I would date you without question. You're on for that date next time I visit.

You know, this is what I needed to hear. He goes on to talk about long distance relationships and how he lost both of his previous boyfriends to long distance relationships. And he just didn't think it would be fair to either of us to start down that path. And it was completely understandable. He wished that I lived closer... and so do I. But I'm really excited about the date that we're gonna have when he comes back out to California.

Like I said, this is what I needed to hear from him... and I hope that we develop a great friendship with each other. I'm not giving up on him completely though. Who knows what can happen when he comes out in October. But this was the closure that I needed to move on with my life.