Progress

So I forgot to blog about this: the last email I got from J was 3 days ago. In it, he tells me that he may be put on a different project in October and may not be coming back out to California after all. He says he's supposed to come out here, but it's still up in the air. It sucks that I might not be getting my date.

But maybe that will just help me get my mind off him.
In a few hours, it will have been 3 days since I've emailed J. I've restrained myself - and have stopped emailing him. No more emails telling him how my day was or asking how his day was. When I used to do that, I wouldn't get responses from him until 3-4 days later. And each time, his excuse is that he works too much. Well, that MAY be the case, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for his emails anymore. I have other friends that I can email and they will actually respond in a timely manner. So he can make the next move and email me... Let's see when that will be. Any one want to take a guess on when he'll email me again?

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So I was talking with JW about my whole ordeal with J. And he tells me, if it makes me feel better, maybe I don't have to completely forget about him. But just put him on the back burner for a while. Keep him in mind, but don't let him control what I do. I thought that was really great advice because it's somewhere in between obsessing over him (which I just don't want to do anymore) and completely forgetting about him (which I'm not ready to do). I'm so glad I came out to JW. I really appreciate his friendship.

But maybe I have to do is write our night together off as just a simple one night stand. Maybe if I just think of it that way, it'll make putting him on the back burner a lot easier. I mean, I'm not truly a gay guy until I have casual sex, right? lol, jk. That was way stereotypical. But really, people have one night stands all the time. I just never thought I would be the guy to have one, but maybe it's something I can be proud of. haha. I did something that I never thought I would do. I had a one night stand with a stranger. How fucking cool is that?! LOL.

Closure #3

J

You know what? I don't think I've been thinking too clearly. Maybe it's cuz I just don't want to see it but I can see now that I'm just not the right guy right now. I should've seen it earlier in your other emails but I kept pushing. But I think it's time I just accepted it.

You're a real great guy and I'm always going to remember the great time we spent together. If you're still up for meeting up when you're out here in October then that's great. I mean you have my number now so just give me a call then.

Don't worry. You haven't hurt me in any way. It's just what it is and it's the wrong time and place I guess.

I do hope that you feel better about what happened with [Douchebag Ex]. Don't let what he did get to you. I can't say this enough but you're a GREAT guy and good things will come for you.

Take care ok? And thank you for everything. I really mean it.

DL

Closure

So, I wrote that I wouldn't email my boy again. But I felt like I really needed to write one last email to him explaining things to him and apologizing for my behavior for the past few days. And I think I'm just going to be referring to him as "J" from now on. Here's the email that I sent him:

Hey J,
I just wanted to say sorry if I've been a bit too forward with you, but I felt like you should know how I feel about you. I just had a great time with you the short time we've known each other and you've simply caught me by surprise. In any case, I'm glad you will be coming back to Anaheim in October. If you wanna hang out at that time, then give me a call. Hope you're feeling better, and take care of yourself.
-DL

I felt like it just needed to be said, and a great way for me to put the ball in his court. If he wanted to respond to me, he could. But if he didn't, I would be happy to know that I told him what I needed him to know.

Well, after I sent it, I felt a lot better. I went back to work and I basically had a great day, not thinking about it all. Then about 7pm at night, I receive a response back. Here's an excerpt:

So yes . . . I think about you too. You're a great guy! I don't understand how such a handsome sweet guy like yourself could be single. It doesn't make sense. As far as a relationship goes, I really like you and if we lived in the same time zone, I would date you without question. You're on for that date next time I visit.

You know, this is what I needed to hear. He goes on to talk about long distance relationships and how he lost both of his previous boyfriends to long distance relationships. And he just didn't think it would be fair to either of us to start down that path. And it was completely understandable. He wished that I lived closer... and so do I. But I'm really excited about the date that we're gonna have when he comes back out to California.

Like I said, this is what I needed to hear from him... and I hope that we develop a great friendship with each other. I'm not giving up on him completely though. Who knows what can happen when he comes out in October. But this was the closure that I needed to move on with my life.

Waiting It Out

Ok, I've decided that I'm NOT going to write any more emails to this guy until I get a response. I just need to really show some restraint and NOT email him. Every time I email him, I feel like I'm making it worse for myself. So i'm just going to wait for his reply. If he never replies, then obvious that means something. Soooo, I just have to stick it out and NOT email him. It's gonna be REALLY hard... but I think it's the only way. :(

The hard part is finding stuff to do to keep my mind off of him! I haven't had these feelings for someone in a long, LONG time. And I'm not even sure what brought on such strong feelings! Well... I have a few ideas... but all this for someone I only met once and had email correspondence with before that. It's just so not me... I don't understand myself right now.

New Developments

So I got an email response from him. I was so happy to get one back! He explained that he had been swamped with work and finally has the weekend off now. He also was dealing with some personal issues involving his two ex-es. And to top it all off, he feels like he's getting sick.

Well, I of course emailed him back, letting him know that I appreciate his email back and hope that he's feeling better. I also sent him a "Get Well Soon" e-card.. something cute and funny.

Alright, well, the e-card lets me know when he has received and read the card. So he already read it. but no response back from him. In my email, I also asked him to just be honest with me and let me know how he feels towards me. Was that too straight forward? Well, I haven't gotten a response....

I think I might as well just give up. I hate feeling like some love sick puppy. This is such a horrible feeling to not get anything in return. I just have to learn from this I guess. It was naive to think the perfect guy could've come so easily. I'm not as lucky as I thought I was.

Or maybe I'm still jumping to conclusions too quickly....

I almost wish I never met him cuz it's almost like torture!!