Screwed-Up Life of Charlie the Second

I simply cannot say enough about the book The Screwed-Up Life of Charlie the Second.


The book was recommended to me by Matt from Debriefing the Boys way back in Oct 2008. I actually went to Borders and bought the book because he had me so excited about reading it. And being true to myself, I bought it, started reading a few pages, and then left it on my bookshelf to collect dust. I'm really not a book-reading type of person.

So almost a year goes by.. August 23rd.. I'm packing for my trip to Hawaii and I think Hmm... maybe I should have something to read on the plane. So I walk over to my bookcase and contemplate trying to read through Dan Brown's Deception Point for the 5th time. Every time I pick it up, I end up having to re-read it from the beginning because I've forgotten what has happened. And each time, I get to about page 133 and I just put it down again. So maybe Deception Point isn't the best choice. And then I see this yellowish-orange book (I'm slightly color-blind, don't make fun of me), slightly bigger than the others, sticking out. Not remembering what it is, I pull it out a little, and see that it's the book that I had bought almost a year ago. I re-read the backcover summary and it sparks my interest again. 6 hour plane flight... I think I could get through a lot of it while strapped into a tiny little thing they call a seat. So I take it off the shelf and pack it in my backpack.

I'm on the plane and I'm sitting alone because my friend who I was flying with decided that he'd rather have an aisle seat than sit next to me. Bastard. The overhead entertainment system is on (no personal TV... what kind of cheap ass airline is this??) and it's playing an episode of AMC's Mad Men. I've heard only good things about it so I take out my earphones so I can start watching. I try to plug them into the jack on my arm rest... it won't go in. I try jamming it in a few times (as if that would miraculously make it fit) and that doesn't work. I lift the arm rest up to examine the jack and it turns out that someone must've broken off their earphone plug and half of it was wedged in there. Great... so no audio for me. But wait! I packed a book to read! I take out "The Screwed-Up Life of Charlie the Second" and open it up to where I placed my bookmark, the receipt from Borders which I folded hot dog style.

I re-read the last few paragraphs of the previous "chapter" to try and remember what I had read. And I say "chapter" because the book is written in journal/diary form. So each "chapter" is really a day or an entry in Charlie's journal. I start reading and reading and reading. I find myself flipping through page after page, not able to put the book down. I don't even realize that the flight attendants are pushing their giant food and beverage carts down the aisle. I am completely glued to the book. Even though it's a 6 hour flight, I don't finish the book on the plane. But I take out the book every chance I get: before bed, while laying out on the beach, while waiting for my turn for the bathroom, etc.

The book is smart, witty, and just incredibly hilarious. I find myself laughing - out loud - in certain parts of the book (which made my friends give me funny looks). Charlie is such a fun, cute, nerdy character. I guess I just have a soft spot for nerds. I'm definitely drawn to the nerdy type... Jamie... Jason... and now Charlie. :P

You see, Charlie is a out-of-the-closet gay teenager going to high school in a town near Chicago. He has overbearing parents that like to tell him what to do. He's the goalkeeper on his school's varsity soccer team, but he's also the geeky choir boy. Where can I find me one of those in real life? And during the few months that these journal entries are made, he finds himself in a relationship with a new boy in town, Rob. I'm not going to go into too much detail about the two of them, but I will say that they've made me let out multiple "awww"s throughout the book. There are so many instances when I would find myself with a grin from ear to ear because I just think the two of them are so damn cute!

I really don't want to spoil the book for anyone so I really don't know what else I should talk about here. But I guess I can say that the book is very enjoyable and powerful. I found myself going through lots of emotions while I was reading it: happiness, sadness, frustration, sympathy, anger... I'm not sure what other book has elicited so many emotions from me. This book is just freakin' amazing, ok!?

So I seriously urge all of you to get the book through Amazon or wherever you like to buy your books. And then we can arrange an online meeting and have a book club discussion! I've always wanted to do one of those and now I have a book that I want to do that with! Ooo, I think our goal should be to get Oprah to endorse the book on her Book Club!

If you've already read the book, I'd love to hear your opinions/thoughts on it. Write me a comment or shoot me an email. I really am serious about discussing the book with someone!

Cruiseship

This just makes me laugh that this is happening after I called my life mundane.

I saw Jamie online last night and I decided to just randomly send him a message. "Hi." Pretty harmless. We hadn't talked since we saw each other in Florida in June. So we caught each other up on our lives. I told him about Jason a bit. And he's sort of seeing this guy, but he's unsure about him because he's very indecisive and apparently not very good in bed... And that got us on the topic of our nights together in Florida. Of course we reminisced about the amazing sex. I'll have to say that he's the best I've had. But ok, I'm digressing...

So we're also talking about his job and how much overtime he has to put in every week. I just feel horrible for him because he works so hard and they don't reward them whatsoever. I asked if he's due for a vacation. And he says he REALLY wants to go on the Disney Cruise but none of his friends are willing to go with him, which I don't understand. Because the Disney Cruise is just about the best thing ever and I would kill to go on that again. Plus my friend is working on the cruise ship right now so it would be so fun to visit him. I, of course, tell him that I would be so interested to go and if he'd be willing to go with me.

So we kind of discuss the dates that we would be able to go (a week in September) and he says he's going to check if it's going to be possible to get days off.

OMG it would be AMAZING if we went on a 7 day cruise together. And you know what? I really think I've gotten over Jamie now and we're just good friends. Good friends with benefits. (OMG, why do I have so many?) And I think we could definitely enjoy ourselves on the cruise together without having things get complicated. I really hope this happens. And I really hope I can pick up massive overtime from now until then to pay for this! HAHA.

Disney World Boys (Part 2)

Ok... I still think I was a little too detailed about everything in Part 1. I need to not write so much! Anyway.. if you haven't read Part 1 yet, I suggest you do that first. :) Oh and the blog is gonna get kinda sexually explicit now... so don't read unless you want some sexy details. :P

So where was I? Oh yeah, Jamie and I getting frisky after the jacuzzi/pool. Well, we take each others' clothes off and have some sexy time. And it was AMAZING. I had forgotten how big Jamie's dick was. hehe. He goes gentle at first, but pretty soon it gets very hot and steamy. I actually almost experienced cumming while being fucked without touching myself... but I guess my moaning was really hot and he couldn't hold out any longer. But oh my god it felt so good. I hadn't had sex since December. I needed it so much.

We just collapsed on the bed afterwards and just chatted with each other. Somehow we got to food and we both expressed that we were REALLY hungry. So at 4 in the morning, we go out to the Waffle House and have an awesome breakfast together. We get back to the hotel and sleep in each others' arms. It was so nice to have someone to cuddle with again.

We wake up around noon or so and head out to Disney's Animal Kingdom. We spend the day there, going on rides, watching shows. Basically an awesome time spent with Jamie. I really loved every minute of it. The park closed early so we left around 6:30pm. He decides to take me on a tour of the Disney World property, going to backstage areas and stuff. I thought it was really interesting and I loved that he was playing tour guide. After we went through most of the major areas, we decide to play some miniature golf... something I hadn't done in years!

There's something about miniature golf that screams "fun date!!" for me. And it sure was. We both were horrible at it, but that made it even better. We just made fun of our lack of skill the whole time. And there were other people palying so we had to wait to play some of the holes, so we would just sit down on the bench together and talk. So nice to be able to do that with him.

Sitting on the bench with Jamie :)

After miniature golfing, we drive over to the Magic Kingdom just in time for the fireworks at 10pm. Fireworks are usually a pretty romantic thing, but there were just too many people around and I was sweaty and gross from the entire day, so I had a hard time getting close to him during the show. :( Oh well...

After that we returned to the hotel and went to the pool and jacuzzi again. We talked for a while again just about everything and anything. It was very nice to get to know more about Jamie. And I think he got to know me a little better as well. After that, we went back up to the room and once again had some sexy time.

I actually feel bad... because I was REALLY loud. But I couldn't help it because it felt so damn good. He was hitting the spot with every thrust and I just couldn't be quiet. But I still felt bad because it was about 3:00 in the morning and I was staying at a Disney hotel, which meant I probably had little kids next door. But my god, the sex was just amazing. He had me in several positions, and I'm pretty surprised that it felt so good so quickly even though his dick was so big and thick. But yeah, once again, he had me so hard and wanting to cum the whole time. Mmmmm -- loved it!

The next morning, he had to get ready for work again in the afternoon, so he took me to the Magic Kingdom (where I would meet Bryan) and just dropped me off. I was sad that he had to work because that meant that this would be the last I would see of him for a long while. But it had to end some time. I gave him one last kiss and then climbed out of the car. I looked back as he drove off and I just remembered thinking, "Sigh.. that was a great two nights spent with him." And that's all I could have asked for.

So Bryan was working at the Magic Kingdom as a certain tall character. :P I don't want to ruin any magic for any Disney lovers out there. HAHA. But I text him when I entered the park and he told me where he would be. So I went and visited him at his location. On his lunch, he came out to see me and watch the parade with me, which was nice. The rest of the time I spent by myself. I stayed until the night and watched the nighttime parade by myself :( Oh well.. I couldn't have a boy with me every day, right? LOL.

I got back to my hotel and actually had to pack because I was moving hotel rooms for my last night there. So I packed up and went to bed early. Definitely not as exciting as my other two nights.. LOL

So I only have one more day left to blog about.. I'll save that for another night. Again, I'm tired and need some sleep. Also, I really need to blog about Jason. He's the guy that I met up with before my trip to Florida. There have been new developments with him -- good developments -- and I should tell you guys all know about it. Soon. :)

Disney World Boys (Part 1)

It's about 3 weeks late, but I'm finally finding time to blog about Florida. It's been pretty crazy these past few weeks and I'll get to all that, but I wanted to blog about Florida (especially the boys) before I forget too much stuff. So here goes!

So I think I'm going to spare you all the details of my entire Disney World experience and just talk about what I assume you all want to read about: the boys :) Of course that's going to overlap with the vacation details, but I'll try not to write pages upon pages about it. Oh and there are several boys that I will be writing about.. hope you guys don't get confused about who is who. Use the labels at the bottom of the post to go to posts about the boys. LOL.

My flight left at 7am in Orange County, but I had a layover in Phoenix, AZ. While on the plane to Phoenix I was thinking about what I brought with me and how I packed everything within 4 hours of leaving my apartment. And then it hit me: I FORGOT TO PACK MY CONDOMS AND LUBE!! When I realized it, I was SOOOO pissed off. I seriously couldn't believe it. In Phoenix, I text Jon and tell him my unfortunate situation. Naturally, he laughs at me. He tells me to ask one of my boys to take me to the store or bring some themselves. Sigh... what an embarrassing situation. I seriously didn't want to ask them... and furthermore, did not know which boy to ask. I was to make this decision later.

So I arrive in Orlando International Airport at around 5pm or so and I text Bryan to let him know that I made it out there and excited to finally meet him. We made plans to meet each other at Epcot to watch the fireworks. On the way to the hotel, I also text Jamie, just to make sure he's still planning on meeting up with me this weekend when he's off work. I get a response from him saying that he has no plans this week and that he was all mine. ;-) That of course makes me happy. And then I decide that Jamie is to be the one I would ask about the condoms... Here is the text conversations:

Me: Hey um, this is awkward and I don't mean to be presumptuous, rather just safe, but is there anywhere you can take me to get some condoms and lube?... I forgot to pack them :(

Jamie: To the mega sex depot we go.

Me: Can I some new sex toys while we're there then? LOL.

I guess the situation wasn't as awkward or embarrassing as I thought it would be. ;) So then it's time to meet Bryan out in Epcot. I get there early and walk around by myself, in the horribly humid weather. And I do so in my jeans because my luggage had not arrived in my hotel room... So freaking hot - I was sweating like a pig!

Finally I get a text from Bryan telling me to meet him in front of Mexico. :) I hurry over and spot him right away since he's 6'4" or whatever he is. As I get closer I see that he's with his friend, Shannon. Not going to lie, I was a little bummed that she was there too, but I guess I totally understand since it was our first time meeting in person. What if I was a serial killer or something? He's just being cautious. LOL. And plus she was his ride.

So we watch the fireworks (which I love) and just kind of chat with each other. We didn't really get to talk one on one since Shannon was there, but it was still nice to meet him. After the fireworks, they just took me back to my hotel and we said goodnight. I didn't want to ask if he wanted to stay over -- cuz it would've sounded really slutty, especially when Shannon was there too. So I just let that go and went back to my hotel room. I spend some time texting Jamie just to chat with him before going to bed. Nothing too exciting, but I didn't invite him over that night because I made plans to meet up with Bryan and Tony the next day. So I go to bed early to get ready for the day to come.

Next day, I have Tony come pick me up at my hotel - the same Tony that stayed over at my apartment for a week and a half. He finally moved out to Florida again. So he and his brother pick me up and we go to Disney's Hollywood Studios.


There I am with Tony, and his brother Matt, clearly not interested in taking a picture with us. Tony is such a cute, good looking, hot guy. too bad he's straight. Oh well... I spend half of the day there at that park with Tony before Bryan gets off of work and comes to the park as well. We all hang out with each other for a bit and at around 6pm or so, I get a text from Jamie asking me: "What's for dinner?" I tell him where ever he'd like to take me and for him to come pick me up at Disney's Hollywood Studios. So at this point, I had to awkwardly tell both Tony and Bryan that I was meeting up with another friend of mine. Tony just kinda left quickly... I'm not sure if he was pissed off or what... Assuming that I'd find Jamie out by the parking lot, I walked to the exit of the the park with Bryan so that I can say goodbye to him there. However, Jamie was standing right at the exit waiting for me. A slightly awkward situation for me -- the two boys I'm trying to get with meet each other.

But I guess the two don't know any better and just assume that they're just normal friends of mine. Perhaps I'm just a really popular boy. :P They actually have a conversation with each other about working at Disney World and all. So another awkward situation that didn't turn out to be too awkward afterall.

So Jamie and I leave and I ask him to take me back to my hotel first so that I can shower and change. I had been sweating all day and it was just gross and didn't want our date to be gross. So he drives me back and when we park, I was glad to see that he packed his little suitcase of clothes, meaning he was definitely staying over for the weekend. :P

Oh I have to show you guys a picture of the hotel I stayed at: Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge. The lobby is GORGEOUS. I loved every part of the hotel... my room... my view of the animals from my room... the theme of the hotel... the pool. EVERYTHING. Look at the detail of everything in this picture!


I shower quickly, but I was half hoping that he would've opened the door and jumped in there with me. But I guess I was getting a little ahead of myself. That stuff will come soon enough. ;) So we get back in the car and he drives me to the same sushi place that we went to the last time I went to Florida to visit him. The sushi was AMAZING, of course. But the company was even better. We just sat and talked. I don't remember any awkward silent moments. I think it helps that Jamie likes to talk and that I like to listen.

After the yummy sushi, we drive for a little bit just for kicks and then head back to the hotel room. We decide that we want to go out to the pool for a swim, perhaps go relax in the jacuzzi. We get there and both jacuzzis were taken.. so we just played around in the pool for a while. It was late so the pool was a bit empty, so I got a bit courageous and got pretty close to him on several occasions. He looked so cute with his hair wet, half his body in the water.. It was just a good time spent together. We went back to check on the jacuzzis and they were finally open. The water was SOOO hot. But we get in anyway. We just talked about everything... work.. school.. Disney. I loved every part of it. And of course, we got even closer at the jacuzzi.. but of course not too close, since we WERE in the public at a Disney hotel. We finally can't take it anymore so we go back to the hotel room.

We sit on the bed together and watch some tv. After a bit of that, I couldn't hold it in any longer and just leaned over for a kiss. That kiss turned into a really long make out session. We then take each other's clothes off...

Ok, this post has gotten long enough.. and I'm only on Day 2. I think I better split these posts up. HEHE. Such a tease huh? I'm just getting tired and I want to be awake to write the sexy, steamy parts. I promise not to put this off. :)

My Night

As I have said before, I write this blog because it's mainly a way for me to remember my life if I so choose to look back on it in the future. So I may sometimes go into details that you readers may not be all too excited to read. If that happens with this post, I apologize in advance. And also, I'm thinking the post is going to get pretty sexually explicit...

So it's 10:00pm, and I'm supposed to text Jason. I wait until 10:02, because I don't want to seem desperate by texting right at 10:00. lol. In no time, he responds by telling me that he's getting off work and that he can head over straight from there. So I give him my address and instructions on how to get in the apartment building. I'm freaking out now, because he's going to be here any minute. I had actually spent 2 or 3 hours beforehand cleaning up the entire apartment. I did all my dishes, wiped down the tables, cleaned the bathroom, dusted, took out the trash, made the bed, etc. And up until the the moment he came in the door, I was still trying to tidy things up. I even made popcorn to get ready for the movie. :P

I hear the knock on the door and I freak out, naturally. But I walk up to the door and open it. He's still in his work clothes: a blue buttoned up shirt, a blue pattern, and black slacks. He walks in and he comes in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And thank goodness he did it because that was something else I was nervous about.. I didn't know if I should move in for a hand shake, a hug, a kiss.... so whew! He took care of that for me!

After he walked in the door, I feel like my butterflies went away. I just began to talk to him. And he was quite easy to talk to. I asked about work and his day. He did the same. As we talked, he got out the "Bedtime Stories" DVD, which I popped into the DVD. He got comfortable on my 3-seater couch, sitting on one side. I sat down in the middle seat, not too close to him, but close enough where we could be touching if we wanted to.

We let the movie start, but we were still talking about our day and other conversation starters. We just got to know each other better.. the basics I guess. If there were points in the movie that were worth discussing, we would talk about it. Our conversations were just very natural and I didn't need to try too hard to find things to talk about. THANK GOODNESS! Because, again, that was another thing that I was nervous about.

And YES, we did finish watching the movie all the way through. LOL. However, 3/4 of the way in, he said he wanted to put his feet up after a long day of work, so he laid himself across the couch, grabbed me and put his arms around me, and had me lie on top of him (not in a dirty way, guys!). I felt comfortable in his arms. And it was just cute how he made the excuse that his feet were tired. He could've just put his feet up on the table in front of him, so it was obviously an excuse to get closer to me. :)

After the movie, we decided to just watch some TV... still in the laying down position. but my neck was starting to bother me so I kinda stretched it a bit and it cracked a little. So Jason says, "Ouch, that sounds like you need a massage!" So he had me lie down face down as he got on top me (still not dirty yet, guys!). Then he says, "Well, you can't expect me to massage you with your shirt on though." So he had me take off my shirt as he proceeded to give me a really relaxing 10 minute massage. Then out of nowhere he started kissing up and down my back. Of course it felt nice. And the stubble on his face gave it a bit of new sensation as he kissed my body... I sort of liked it! Pretty soon, he was kissing up to my neck very sensually. I loved every minute of it. Finally, his kisses made it to my mouth and we made out for a while. Again the stubble felt funny, but kinda cool too.

And then he got me off the couch, stood me up, then picked me up, carried me over to my bed, and then threw me down on it. He climbed on top me (ok, this is where it gets dirty) and then took my clothes off. I was totally hard already, of course. He also took off his clothes to reveal his thick dick... completely hard as well. YUM. He started giving me head and it felt oh so good! Then he grabbed my feet, threw them up by my head, and then ate my ass and it felt oh so good!!

I didn't want that to end, but then he got up and had me follow him into the shower. And another point for him because I LOVE shower sex! I think it's so freakin' hot! I know he wanted to get in the shower because he didn't go home to wash up after work. So he was being really considerate and wanted to be clean. ANOTHER point. ;) After he soaped and rinsed, I couldn't go down on him fast enough. So I don't have too much blowjob experience, but I'm hoping I did a good job. I couldn't take all of him (I started to gag a bit) but I tried to use my tongue as much as possible, moved my head, used my hand... And there was a lot of moaning, so it had to feel sort of good right? Then I ate my very first ass. ;) That was fun because he REALLY liked it.

After the shower, we went back to the bed and continued with the sex. ;) We 69'ed, face fucked, ate ass... all very good! Then he started fingering my ass. And I was so tight... it was almost uncomfortable. It's been WAY too long... I knew he wanted to stick his dick in my butt... but I really didn't want that to happen for the first night. He was doing everything right... everything felt good... and I'm pretty sure he expected me to say, "Fuck me!" ... but I never did it. And after a while, he got the hint. So he just continued to give me great head. He then sat on my face, which took him over the edge. He blew his load all over my chest. Then he helped me along until I blew my load as well.

We got a towel and cleaned up a bit but just laid on the bed with each other for a bit. Just holding each other. So nice. I started running my hands/fingers up and down his body and he seemed to really like it. He said his skin gets really sensitive after he cums. So that just makes me want to do it more. He flips over and I run my hands up and down his back.. and down to his butt. THAT made him go crazy. And pretty soon he was all horny and hard again. I started to hump him, pretending to fuck him. He really responded to that. I pulled his hair, pulled his head back, and kissed him. I flipped him over again, grabbed his feet, put them over my shoulder and just "fucked" him like crazy. I was all sweaty again. Like dripping. The bed was squeaking, his head was hitting the wall behind him... I felt bad for my neighbors who were probably trying to sleep.

But all that made me hard again too, so he had me sit on his face. I couldn't believe it, but I blew another load, a huge one, all over his face. I then sucked him off until he blew his load too. God, writing about this just makes me hard right now. It was so awesome.

We laid on the bed for a while after... but then he started getting up. He said he just couldn't stay over and sleep in a bed that wasn't his own. But he kept telling me how sexy I am and that he didn't want to leave me. I think that was the first time in a long time that someone called me sexy straight to my face. And it was just so nice to hear. He started getting dressed, but stopped after putting on each article of clothing to give me a kiss. God, he's so damn cute. I opened the door, he gave me a big kiss goodbye, and then he walked out. I closed the door just thinking how fun the whole night was.

So, I really intended to just have a nice night of movie watching.. but I guess I also half expected things to go further. And I was ready and willing for that. About 15-20 minutes, I get a text from him. ANOTHER point for him! I didn't have to go crazy thinking about whether or not to text him and when I should do it! His text said, "Thanks again for tonight. And did you realize we had sex for 3 hours?!" HAHA.

So I'm going to Florida for a week, but we agreed to get in contact after I get back. And also, the next morning, he IMed me just to say HI before he had to go to work. I loved that he was making an effort to just stay in contact with me. Which, I'm assuming, means that he likes me? The only thing I'm still not too sure about is whether he wants to see me again because he wants to develop more with me... or he just wants to see me again so that he can stick it in my butt... I guess we will find out later. But I really do think that I like this guy. He's easy/fun to talk to, we have things in common, and he's great in bed. Hope things work out with him...

Well, right now, I'm finishing up the packing for my trip to Florida. I've confirmed my plans to meet Bryan the first night I'm there. I have to give Jamie a text when I arrive to confirm my plans with him also. SOO looking forward to this trip! Will blog about it whenever I get a chance!

Florida.... AGAIN

I seem to blog about the same things. But I guess it just goes to show that I don't like to break out of the familiar. So I'm making another trip out to Florida. I'm actually leaving in 4 days (WOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!). But I think I should preface my Florida trip with some news on New Cute Dream Boy (Bryan) and the ever so infamous Jamie.

So it's been a few weeks since I first started chatting with Bryan. And we've been steady contact through text messages and AIM. We just tell each other what's happening in our day and joke around and stuff. We seem to have the same sense of humor and we have a lot of the same interests (mainly Disney). I really enjoy chatting with him and I just hope he feels the same way. We've already made plans to meet each other during my time in Florida. And he likes to text me with things like, "You're almost here!" or "Only 4 more days!" He has me real excited about the entire trip as a whole, but a lot of that has to do with hanging out with him. We're actually going to meet up my first night there at Epcot and watch the fireworks together. :)

I'm not really sure if I'm going to invite him over to my place. I really want to because I'm attracted to him, but I'm not sure if it's too forward to invite him to my hotel room after just meeting him for the first time. But I mean, we have gotten to know each other pretty well over these past few weeks so it's not like it's a completely blind date or whatever. And really, inviting him over to my hotel room doesn't mean we're going to be doing anything naughty, right? It's just an invitation to hang out. Hey, if it goes there, I'm not going to stop it. But I think it would be nice to just have some company. So do you all think it's okay to invite him over??

In other news, I've been in contact with Jamie. Actually, when I first messaged him a few weeks ago, the first thing he says back to me is, "Hey Doug! How's my west coast boyfriend?" Not going to lie, it made me feel really nice when he said that. I don't know why he makes me feel this way after all this time. I guess it just means that I'm not fully over him. Well, I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm not over him if I'm making plans to meet up with him while in Florida. I told him my travel plans and he tells me that he's going to be making time to see me.

He tells me that he regrets not being able to be more intimate with me the last time I went out to visit. At that time, he was seeing another boy who turned out to be a big cheater. So this time he is making sure that he spends ample time with me. He said whatever is going at work or with his family during my time there, he will MAKE the time to be with me. So he's actually going to be staying over at my hotel for 2 or 3 nights. :) I don't want to admit it, but I'm really really excited about that. And the reason why I don't want to admit it is because I'm not over him. But I'm promising myself that this is going to just be a fun time with a fuck buddy kind of thing. I'm not going to let myself get all attached.

So it's 4 days away! I can't believe it! Besides the meetings with Bryan and Jamie, I'm just excited to be at Walt Disney World again. And this time, I'm staying at the really nice vacation homes that they have there. I'm staying in THREE different hotels. My first choice was to stay at the Animal Kingdom Villas where I can have giraffes outside my window. But they only had 3 out of the 5 nights available, and they were right in the middle of my travel dates. So I had to tag on 2 other reservations on the two ends. I chose the Boardwalk Villas and the Saratoga Springs Villas. Here are some pictures of these AWESOME vacation homes:

The Animal Kingdom Villas! Yes, the giraffes are really going to be THAT close!

Boardwalk Villas! OMG this looks so pretty!

Saratoga Springs exterior

I have a pretty full schedule with meeting up with Bryan and spending time with Jamie. Sooooo don't expect a blog while I'm there. I'll most definitely Twitter though, so keep an eye on the Twitter wall. And I'm DEFINITELY taking lots of pictures. With both Jamie and Bryan. My biggest regret last time was not taking pictures with Jamie. This time, I'm taking TONS. And I'll definitely post them up here!

Wish me luck with my trip!

This is my 200th Post!...

.... now that I got that out of the way... I can stop waiting for something amazing to come along to post for my 200th and just get back to regular blogging. I have so many things that I just haven't blogged about but need to (Vegas trip, Bryan, Jamie, Florida...)

Blogs to come soon!

New Cute Boy

I have a new little crush.

So everyone knows I perform at Disneyland. Well, one day, I noticed this cute, tall, white boy watching with his friend. He was watching right where I perform and I totally performed to him the entire time. That day, I even got up the courage and went up to him to say "Thanks for coming out to watch" and gave him a high five. And he seemed like he enjoyed watching me (and our group) perform. So I was happy.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I got on my YouTube account and found a message from someone I didn't know. In the message, he says that he came to watch my parade every day he visited Disneyland during his trip and he recognized me in my videos on YouTube as the guy that performed right in front of him. I was so giddy to read that this person who messaged me was the cute, tall, white boy that I performed to!

So I replied to his messaged and we started making small talk about the parade and such. Turns out he works for Disney World and does their parades over there. We then exchanged Facebook accounts and started chatting there. Eventually we exchanged AIM accounts.

His name is Bryan. He's such a nice guy. Had nothing but compliments about our parade and my performance. Told me that he specifically picked my section of the parade to watch that day because every other time he watched, he had his video camera with him. But that particular day, he just wanted to really watch the performance. ;) I felt awesome that he chose to watch me.

I'm pretty sure we've been flirting with each other on AIM. I asked for the opinions of others and they agree there is definite flirting. I'm kinda excited for that. Bryan works in Florida but only seasonally, I believe. He's in Arizon right now with family and he goes to school there as well. He has a great sense of humor and I've discovered some common interests already.

I don't really want to think too much more of it... afterall, he's another Disney World/Florida boy (re: Jamie....), but it's just nice to be "talking" to another boy. But the curious thing is.... he just so happens to fit the description of my Dream Guy. Kinda weird how this happens just a few days after I had the dream... curious indeed.

I hope I get to know him a bit more.... chat more with him. I'm sad that I wasn't able to have too much of a conversation online with him today because I had friends over and didn't have time to chat much. And then tomorrow I'm heading to Las Vegas and staying for the weekend, so there's definitely no time for online chatting. :( But I hope we'll pick up where we've left off once I return from the trip.

Florida

OMG, two posts within an hour?! HAHA, well.. I couldn't keep this one from the blog because it's about Jamie. And I write everything I think about Jamie on this blog. Which means I haven't really thought about Jamie for a really long time, which is a good thing I guess.

but just now, I chatted with Jamie on Facebook. Just kinda caught up. I did message him first. It was 1:15am my time, which means it was 4:15am his time, so I just thought I'd message to ask why he was still up. We then talked about work and other things going on in our lives. We kinda geeked out about NASA because he was able to go to the Apollo Launch Complex the other day and stand on the launch pad. His brother works for them so he was granted special access. It just made me think about our times together and our conversations before. And then he told me that he should try to get to sleep and that maybe he should jack off until he passes out. So naturally I said, "wish I could be there to help you." And then he says, "me too." ... Why is he so cute and why is he all the way across the country? Sigh.... FML.

I'm going to Florida this June. June 11-16 to be exact. I'm not getting my hopes up. But it'd be nice to at least see him when I'm there.

Hong Kong (Part 2)

Where did I leave off? Ah that's right... my second day in Macao. I slept through the night, just as I had hoped. And woke up around 10:30am or so, refreshed and ready for another day of sightseeing. :) By 11:30am, my mom and I were out the door to meet my dad at the nearby Dim Sum Restaurant. For those who are unfamiliar, Dim Sum is a Chinese lunch in which you receive small plates of many different types of food so that the table can share. We got some egg rolls, some turnip cake, some rice noodles, and some barbeque pork rolls. YUMMO


After Dim Sum, we walked through the crowded streets of Macao to get to the Church of the Mater Dei. It's a Macao landmark. Many years ago, the church burnt down and all that was left was the front facade of the it since it was made of stone. The Macao government have left it up and used the area to build a museum and park around it.



Next stop, we trudged up the hill to the old fort. The Portuguese army built this fort up on the hill nearest to the port so they had a bunch of cannons up there as well. The cannons up on in the fort now are obviously not the ones they used way back when, but we got to take pictures next to these replicas, which was pretty cool. :)



We made our way back down the hill and we visited my dad's old elementary school. We also went for a stroll around the park right next door to his school where he used to play. Pretty cool to see where my dad used to grow up. We also stopped by the area where he used to lived. He used to live in a small house, now replaced by a high-rise building, just like most of Macao. We also walked by my mom's old house, again replaced by another high-rise apartment building. Macao has changed a lot since my mom and dad were kids.

Then, as we were walking back to our house, I was attacked by a vicious lion!!! Ok, I'm lying. But we really did encounter a lion... a Chinese ceremonial lion. It was just walking down the street with several performers, celebrating the New Year. I'm guessing it was on its way to their next gig down the street. LOL. The Lion performers are so talented. They really make the movements of the lion look real.



That night, we ate a famous Portuguese cuisine restaurant. REALLY yummy food. Unfortunately, I did not get any pictures of the meal. But I did have a yummy curry pork fried rice dish.

Rest of the night was spent with relatives, watching TV. We watched an "American Idol" type show. We just kinda spent 3 hours watching episode after episode. LOL. Got dropped off by my uncle and then slept the night away. :) The next few day, we traveled back to Hong Kong to meet up with my other aunt and uncle, to get my Hong Kong Permanent Residents Card, and to go to Hong Kong Disneyland. Will post about that another night... I'm pooped now.

By the way, still waiting for the call about the audition. If I don't get a call by the end of the this week, then it means I didn't get the show. But hopefully I'll get a call. And about Jamie... I haven't made up my mind about it. But it's not like I'm going to make a trip out to Orlando now.. it'd be some time around June. Perhaps I can talk to Jamie about it the next time we chat. Maybe he'd want to take a vacation out here?? Who knows... Blah, I just can't believe I'm still talking about Jamie! I was hoping that by now I'd be blogging about some boy that I really REALLY like and that really REALLY likes me back. Hopefully that comes soon...

A Chat With Jamie

Saturday night, and going into Sunday morning, I had a chat with Jamie.... yes, THAT Jamie. We chatted for a good 2 hours. We asked how each other were and talked about our jobs. And then he asked whether I was dating or not. I told him that I had been sort of seeing a boy but things are over now... explained that he was too young and immature. He then told me that the boy he was seeing at the time that I had visited him back in September was also too young and immature for him, and that's why he broke it off with him. Then the conversation somehow got to our first time together and when we had sex... how nervous we both were and everything. We both agreed that it would've been a much better experience if we had both relaxed a bit more.

Here's the kicker... he then tells me that after our little date that night in Orlando in September, he wanted to come into my hotel room and do it "the right way," as he put it. Just under the circumstances (him seeing that boy at the time), it just didn't seem right. I always wondered what he thought of me and our date after that night. As I blogged, I was just dropped off at my hotel after our date and left to walk up to my room alone. I regretted not asking him to come up to the room at that time, and now I REALLY do wonder what he would've said if I did ask! LOL.

But I guess it's just a nice ego-boost right now to know that he did enjoy my company and still wants to do dirty things to me :P And, not gonna lie, I'd love it if we could get together again. I just know that we have many things in common, we're attracted to each other, I'm really comfortable being around him, and we have a good time together.

I'm thinking about planning another trip out to Orlando again... Blah, is that stupid of me??

Ask a Blogger #5

A fun little blogging game made up by my buddy AJ @ AJ's Ramblings. Here are the rules:

1. Blogger 1 posts a question on their blog.
2. The first person to comment on said Blogger's post needs to direct readers to their blog, and then becomes Blogger 2.
3. Blogger 2 answers Blogger 1's question on his/her own blog (so Blogger 2's blog).
4. Blogger 2 posts a question on his/her blog.
5. And then the new Blogger repeats step 1-4.

So AJ's question was: "When/how did you know you were gay/bi/whatever?"

My answer: Wow... this is a tough question to answer. I mean, it definitely wasn't like one day I just KNEW. But I guess it definitely all started back when I found the Spice channels on our cable box. We had the illegal black box that got all the pay-per-view channels. And at night, there would be softcore porn. :P So I began watching that, but after a while, I found myself watching the guys. And then we got the internet, and I started surfing for porn on there. At first, it was just straight porn. But again, I found myself really intrigued by the male body. And then after a while, I started searching for gay porn. I distinctly remember downloading 5 second clips of gay porn and having it play over and over on repeat. LOL.

So I knew I liked boys early on, but I kept telling myself that I liked girls too, even though I never really cared for straight porn too much. I would still get aroused by straight porn... I wasn't, and still am not, disgusted at the sight of a naked woman like some gays do. So I just kept telling myself that I was bi. But after I broke up with my girlfriend, and I had my first sexual experience with a boy (re: Jamie), I knew that I was definitely gay. And it was then that I accepted that I was gay.

-----------------------------

Well, I guess it's time for my question. It's sorta lame.. I'm horrible at coming up with questions.
"What's the most number of times you've jerked off in one day, and why were you so damn horny that you had to jerk off that many times!?"

And to recap the rules, I'm Blogger #5, which means whoever comments first will become Blogger #6. And remember, don't comment with your answer to my question... Save the answer for your own blog post. :)

Will These Feelings Ever Go Away?

Just the other night, I spoke with someone online about Jamie and how he's not worth even thinking about anymore. Well... what do you know? I've gone back to my old ways. As I was browsing through Facebook tonight, it notified me that Jamie had update a bunch of photos on his page. Of course, I go and check them out. I can't help but think how cute he is in some of those photos. He also posted a status saying that he can't sleep. So I left him a comment agreeing that the worst thing is wanting to sleep but not being able to do it.

I didn't actually expect him to reply at all, so I went and took a shower. After the shower, I noticed that I got a new message on Facebook... from Jamie! It was written 15 minutes prior to me checking it. He was actually replying to a note that I had written on Facebook that listed everything I did chronologically from Jan-Dec 2008. In August 2008, I had written "Had some self exploration." This, of course, refers to my time with Jamie and coming to terms that I was indeed gay, as most of you have read.

Well, he replies: "'Had some self-exploration?' Come to think of it, that was the last 'self exploration' I had and it was rather nice. :-)"

So I reply back to him: "LOL. It was rather nice, wasn't it? How are you doing? I see that you've been sick but feeling better now? And what are you doing online at 5am??"

Another few minutes passes by, and he replies saying that our time together was awkward and could have been better if we had both relaxed more. Then he's telling me about his job and how much he's not enjoying it right now. He also tells me that the boy that he was seeing during my visit out there to Florida had gone back to his cheating tendencies so they are no longer together. He again mentions that he has not had any sex since our time together and then ends the reply telling me he spent Christmas sick and alone. :(

I reply to him once again, sympathizing to his work situation and telling him about mine as well. Also sympathize with his situation with his ex-boy and share that I, too, was home alone for Christmas. I then agree that the sex together was awkward, but what I enjoyed most was the cuddling afterwards.

Well, this was at 2:30m, which was 5:30am for him. I didn't get a reply back, so I'm assuming he fell asleep finally. But yeah... that was our little exchange tonight. I don't know what it is, but he just pulls me in every time I see something about him on Facebook. As much as I want to get over him, it really is just not as easy.

Am I a fool for staying in contact with him? Should I stop trying to talk to him? I think that there's still some part of me that wishes that we could spend more time together. Is that just ridiculous? Blah.

2008 in Music

2008 has been a pretty interesting year for me. So many things happened in my life: traveled to Canada/New York, went on a Caribbean Cruise, broke up with my girlfriend, found an apartment to live on my own, had my first sexual experiences with boys, met Jamie, admitted to myself and accepted that I was gay, started a blog, came out to my friends, met some great online friends, flew to Florida to see Jamie, went to my first gay club/bar, dressed up "sexy" for Halloween, had my first real date with a boy, had my first bad date with a boy, campaigned for Prop 8, got drunk in Vegas, obsessed over a boy online who ignored me, met Matty, found out I don't have a job come 2009, went on a date with Matty, slept with Matty, and now writing this blog entry. :) I'd say that it's been a pretty eventful year, filled with ups and downs.

So to celebrate the year 2008, I thought I'd post a bunch of my favorite songs that I listened to during this year. Some of them have special meaning to me, and I will write a bit about them under the video if that's the case. Hope you guys like the songs!

Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Apologize


Mary Poppins (Broadway) - Chim Cher-ee/Supercalifragilisticexpealidocioius

When I went to New York to visit my friends, I was able to catch Mary Poppins on Broadway! :) It was such an amazing show! And Gavin Lee, who plays Bert, is pretty cute! Can't wait until the touring cast comes to Los Angeles!

Duffy - Mercy


Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love


Twice Charmed: An Original Twist on the Cinderella Story - Chasing a Dream

I took a Caribbean Cruise on the Disney Cruise Line to visit my friend who was working on the boat. I was so impressed by this show! I loved every bit of it! I'm such a Disney goob!

John Williams - Olympics Fanfare

August 2008 was an amazing month because it was time for the Olympics!! I remember spending every free moment at home watching the Olympics! I couldn't get enough of it! And I think the most memorable moment must have been the 4x100 Freestyle Relay where Jason Lezak made up a full body's length to win the gold for the US! OH SO AMAZING! I love the Olympics!

Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go

Want to thank David from Some Things About Me for posting about this song. Because ever since I heard it, I just loved it. And plus, it was kinda my "theme song" for Jamie. Not that Jamie deserves a theme song.. it just reminded me of him when I first heard it because so much of the lyrics rang true at that time.

Royksopp - Only This Moment

This song was sent to me by my good UK friend Barry :) From the first time I heard it, I really liked it. But funny story that goes along with this: I had put this song on my playlist on my iPhone. This was back when only Jon and Miles were the only ones who knew I was gay. I had left my iPhone playlist on speaker at lunch and people were listening to the songs. This song comes on and someone at the table asks, "Why is there a gay club in this phone right now?" Miles and Jon just looks at each other and starts laughing because it was my phone and I had JUST told them I was gay a few days before this happened. I dunno, I guess it's just funny to us... definitely an "inside joke" moment for the three of us.

Rhianna - Disturbia


Celine Dion - To Love You More

Another reason why I admitted to myself I was gay: I enjoy Celine Dion. LOL

Adele - Hometown Glory



Jem - Got It Good

AMAZING song that I think everyone should listen to. Just makes me feel all warm inside when I listen to it.

Jamie Saga Continues

Just when I thought I had gotten over Jamie and had stopped thinking about him, he gets on Facebook and comments on two of my videos that I posted. They were just videos of me and my friends at Disney World and Disneyland.

They were short comments: "Awesome Video Doug!" and "WOW!

But when I got the emails notifying me of these comments from Jamie, I got hit with a bunch of different emotions. I was excited to be hearing from him. I was surprised that he initiated some sort of contact with me. I was angry at him for ignoring me in the past. And I was disappointed in myself for letting him get to me again.

I just kinda sat there, looking at the comments for a minute or two. And everything that happened between Jamie and me just came rushing back. I thought I had pushed the thoughts away by now but it re-surfaced again. I hate myself for letting that get to me. I thought that I had gotten over him, but it obviously wasn't the case.

I wrote back on his Facebook, thanking him for the comments. I didn't want to just ignore him. Am I just a big sucker? Should I have just ignored him? I just felt the need to reply. So we'll see if he says anything back, I guess...

Me, Myself, and I

I'm home with family tonight, which means I'm bored out of my mind because they're all asleep and I'm still awake but I have none of MY stuff to do, so I'm on my computer reading blogs. First, let me just say how HAPPY I am for AJ over at AJ's Ramblings for his first kiss with a boy! So freakin adorable! I actually was watching some TV with my family when I randomly turned on my Messenger application on my iPhone. A second after, AJ messages me with a very enthusiastic "Hi!" and then proceeds to tell me his awesome night with Matt. It was so cute, I couldn't hold my smile in. My family probably thought I was a lunatic for smiling so big at my iPhone (and eventually my computer). So congrats to AJ! He's a good guy and he deserves someone to make him happy. ;)

So I'm not going to lie, but I'm totally jealous of him. And I told him too! ;) But it really just reminds me of how sad a life I have. I was talking with James from Just Me this morning too, and I described my day for him: "I sit. Watch TV. Eat. Then go to work. Then sit some more. And watch more TV." Absolutely ridiculous... I can't believe I've let myself become so complacent with my boring life. I really need to do something about it. And I'm hoping these two Halloween parties this weekend will be the first steps to being a more fun Doug. A more outgoing Doug.

And through all this thinking about myself, I realized that many of you may not know me that well. So I went back to my first few blog posts to see what kind of introductions I gave to everyone. My first post was a MESS. Grammar and spelling mistakes everywhere. LOL. And my second post was all about Jamie. Oh jeez Jamie. That's the bulk of this blog, huh? Reading that post again was kind of bittersweet. I basically described our first meeting. My first intimate moments with another boy. My first time holding hands with a boy. My first time kissing a boy. My first time having sex with a boy. It was such a great night - and I'm never going to forget it. But it also reminds me of what I don't have right now. I just want someone to talk to when I'm lonely, someone to hold hands with when I'm watching TV, someone to share my meals with, someone to cuddle with while I sleep. And I know, I know, he'll come when I least expect it. The perfect guy will appear when and where I'm not looking. But for right now, I'm still lonely, and it sucks.

Wow, this post just got real depressing. I'm not even sure what the point of this post was when I first started it. I probably should think out my posts first before I type... I think I originally intended to give you guys more of a background of my life, but I guess it just kinda veered off course into a pit of my own sorrow. Maybe I'll save my background for another day then....

Well, I think I'll leave you all with the new "Don't Vote" ad campaign. Make sure to GO VOTE on Nov 4th! Your vote WILL make a difference!

"That's so dang cute!"

I hate myself for succumbing so easily...

I logged onto Facebook tonight and on the homepage, it tells me that Jamie has uploaded 4 new photos to his profile. They are 4 pictures of him and his cat. Now.. I don't even like cats, and these pictures were just so cute. Jamie has the biggest smile ever, on his bed (presumably), playing with his cat. One of the pictures has his cat biting him on his arm, and the next picture is of him biting back. ARGH. I couldn't help it and posted a comment on the one where he's smiling real big: "That's so dang cute!" Why do I do things like this? I can't help it. I want to distance myself from him. But I just can't. Seeing his cute, handsome, smiling face .... ARGH!

By the way, I finally did reply back to him on Facebook after he sent me back a message (see previous post). I sent that on the 24th.. It's now the 28th. No response back. Sigh... I hate my situation. I hate every bit of it. I almost wish that I never met him at all. Or at least, I wish that something can be done so that I can free him from my mind!

J = Jamie

I need help. In more ways than one. But, more specifically, for now, I need help with a decision.

I was going through Facebook yesterday, just browsing through profiles, and I come across J's profile. And since I'm not using initials/nicknames anymore, I can reveal his name to be Jamie. (which makes it so much easier for me because you don't know how many times I've just typed out his name in previous posts and had to catch it later) So I'm just looking through the profile and I got this horrible urge to message him to see how he was doing. I guess I just wanted to hear from him. And I also wanted to see if he would respond. So I wrote a very simple, short message:

Hey, was thinking of you and just wanted to see how you were doing. Hope all is well.

-Doug :)

I wrote it and I sent it. The last that I had heard from him was when I was in Florida, after our awesome date, which was almost a month ago now. Well, tonight, at around 6:30pm, I get an email in my mailbox letting me know that I had a new message from Jamie on Facebook. It reads:

Hey Doug . . . Everything is going well, work is keeping me so busy these days. The fall release slipped into winter and now we are all working overtime into winter. I hope all is well with you.

Jamie

So he talks about his work a little. He tells me he's very busy. And he hopes all is well with me. I'm not really so sure what to think about this message. I mean, it was GREAT that he responded - and in such a quick manner too! But the message really doesn't say much. It doesn't talk about whether or not he's making a business trip out to California or not, like he had discussed before. Of course, I didn't ask about it either. It also doesn't really encourage me to respond back to him.

So should I respond to him? What should I write if I do respond? Should it be another short message, or should it be longer so that maybe it'd elicit a longer response from him? Should I ask about whether or not he's coming out to California again? I really am not trying to pursue him anymore. I basically just want to stay friends with him because he's an awesome guy that I want to keep in my life. What do I write? Please help me!

Coming Out, #3

Amidst all the drama with J in Florida, I neglected to talk about my coming out to another one of my good gay friends, Sven. I've known Sven for 4 years now - we both worked together in the same department - and he's always been an all-around fun guy to be around. Recently, Sven received a contract to work elsewhere in the company and he's now in Toronto. (Lucky!)

So anyway, when I was alone in my hotel room after I had my dinner with J in Florida, Sven was on AIM and we chatted for a while. And I just felt like it was time for me to let him know. There wasn't a real reason why I wanted to do it. I just had this feeling to do it. And I was less nervous this time than when I told JW or Milo.

I started chatting and then I brought up that I had dinner with someone special.

Sven: A romantic dinner?

Me: It wasn't as romantic as I wanted it to be, but yes

Sven: Who was it with?

Me: Well... you don't know him...

Sven: A Florida boy?

Me: err... yes...

Sven: cute.

And that was that. So the rest of the night, we talked about J and how the dinner/date went. Then he talked about having a Coming Out parade for me (haha), to which I declined. I have enough parades in my life. So I'm just happy that I was able to be honest with Sven and I think we've become even better friends because of it. He's going to be gone on his contract for another 6 months or so, but can't wait until he comes back and maybe JW, Milo, Sven, and I can all go out together and have some fun. ;)

My Day

My alarm on my iPhone rang at 10:43am. I snoozed the alarm about 3 times, and finally, around 11:15am, I decide to turn the alarm completely off. I open the Palringo Instant Messaging application on my iPhone and go through the buddy list. Clark was online, so I decided to get out of bed, and move over to the couch where my laptop was waiting for me. I turn on Yahoo Messenger and I say hey to Clark.

I've been so thankful for finding Clark and for finding Barry as well. I talk to these two guys more than my real life friends. I look forward to seeing them online everyday. I've been able to open up to them a lot more than my friends. Even the ones that I've already come out to. However, JW and Milo are coming over on Thursday for a "Boys Night" so maybe we'll be doing a lot of sharing that night.

At around 1:00pm, Clark signs off and I decide that I should get out of the house and do something. So I take my check that needed to be deposited about 3 weeks ago and go to the bank. This branch happens to be inside a grocery store, so I also do some grocery shopping, which includes a whole bunch of junk snacks and freezer foods. The whole time I was at the store, I was just not feeling well emotionally. My head was held low, I moved pretty slowly down the aisles, and I just wasn't happy. This has been going on for the past few days, but it was especially bad today.

I get home by 2:00pm and eat some lunch while watching Desperate Housewives. (Missed most of last season, but decided to put the season premiere on TiVo anyway) Then I got back online and browsed the internet for a while. Bored completely out of my mind, I decide to just take a nap before I have to head out for work.

I wake up at 5:15pm and drive to work. At work, I'm supposed to bring joy to paying customers, but I found myself having to force the smile of my face. It's usually an easy thing for me, but today, it was extra hard. I finish what I have to do, and I head home, not even a hint of a smile on my face.

I get home and Barry gets online. I had actually started writing him an email telling him my awful day, but I decide to just tell him on Yahoo Messenger. I explain to him it's J that's making me feel this way. Everything I do reminds me of J. No matter what it is, my mind will link it back to J. I tell him I'm sick of it. He tells me that J is not the right guy for me. And that I like the idea, but not actually him. Some part of me believes that. But then I also think about how perfect he was for me. We shared so many of the same interests and had amazing conversations together. And the sex was great. Am I ever going to find someone like that again? He tells me that I will - but I won't find him, and he won't find me, if I'm still hung up on someone else. There's got to be something that can be done to get my mind off of J. Why is it so hard??

The rest of the night, I watched Dancing with the Stars, Chuck, and Heroes. It's 3:00am now, and I'm watching a show on the National Geographic Channel. I should just get to sleep and try and sleep this depression away. I'm showing signs of mild depression but I just hope it doesn't get any worse. I see commercials on TV for the drug Cymbalta, and I just don't want to be like those actors in the commercial who are mopey and tragically unattractive...