What I Want to Say

J,

You're a jerk for "smiling" at me.
You're a jerk for emailing me and chatting with me.
You're a jerk for inviting me to watch TV with you.
You're a jerk for being so cute.
You're a jerk for having a great conversation with me.
You're a jerk for sharing your story with me.
You're a jerk for holding my hand.
You're a jerk for stroking my hair.
You're a jerk for kissing me so gently.
You're a jerk for holding me so tight when we slept.

I wish you would email me.
I wish you would text me.
I wish you would call and talk to me.
I wish you would realize how much I like you.
I wish you would understand that I'm head over heels for you.
I wish you were ready for a relationship.
I wish you were willing to have a long distance relationship.
I wish you didn't live so far away.

I want to get to know you more.
I want to be able to talk to you.
I want to be your shoulder to lean on.
I want to give you a hug.
I want to tell you that you're an amazing guy.
I want to kiss you like you kissed me.
I want to cuddle with you when we sleep.

I need to realize you're too far away.
I need to take my mind off of you.
I need to realize there are other guys out there.
I need to get over you.

DL

The Closure Saga

Is this what closure feels like?

J emailed me back after I sent him that email. It was 3am his time when the email came through and he says that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about what I said. He couldn't help but think that he has upset me. He apologized for not being ready to be in a relationship, but he wants to continue our friendship and is still up for our date in October when he comes back out to California.

I emailed back and I told him that sure I was upset but it wasn't anything that he was doing wrong... just the circumstances that we found ourselves in. I did tell him that I was happy that he wanted to continue our friendship because I thought I had ruined it by being too pushy about a relationship.

So I mean, that's closure right? We both agreed that a relationship right now isn't the best thing. It wouldn't have been the smart thing at all, considering we really only knew each other for a few days. So we both made the smart decision and we're going to be friends.

So why the f*** am I still thinking about him all day? I'm trying to do stuff to get my mind off of him... I'm going out with my friends... I'm going to work... I go to the gym... I chat online with friends... I watch TV. But I still find myself thinking about him, checking my phone to see if he has replied in an email, leaving my Gmail open waiting for a new email in the Inbox. What the hell am I doing? Why can't I just get him out of my mind? I even have thoughts about just jumping on an airplane to go see him. Who the heck does that?!

Freakin' A -- I NEED to do SOMETHING to get over him.

Closure #2: The Response

J wrote to me this morning while at work.

This past weekend, his ex called him to tell him that he has fallen in love with someone else. This boyfriend had left for school in Amsterdam a few months ago and through mutual friends, J found out that he had been cheating on him while over there. And all this time, the guy didn't contact him. And then this weekend he calls him not to tell him that they weren't right for each other, but that he had fallen IN LOVE with someone else. That really hurt J.

And so he told me that this was definitely not the right time for him to be entering in a long distance relationship. Of course, I was prepared for that. But like I said before, I feel like now I have tried everything and said everything that I wanted him to hear. I still told him that I'm not losing hope for the possibility of the two of us getting together later down the road. And I'm hoping that he'll take me up on my offer for a shoulder to lean on. Hopefully he'll give me a call so that we can talk.

Sigh... I really need to move on. Any single guys out there want to date me? lol.

Closure #2

The heart is a very curious thing.

I really thought I had closure, but the more and more I thought about it, it just really didn't give me closure at all. And you're probably going to read this post and you're probably going to ask "What the hell is he doing??" and a part of me is asking the same thing, but the other part, the part that is dictated by my heart, is saying a different thing.

So the email I got from J... long distance relationships didn't work out. But are all long distance relationships doomed? My friend is a perfect example of a great long distance relationship. She met her guy while vacationing in Ireland with her family. Now she lives in California and he lives in Maryland. But they make it work and they're completely in love. You know, they may be the exception to the rule, but the point is that it can happen. And what is to say that it can't happen for J and me? Yes, he's been hurt by two guys due to long distance relationships and it'd be completely hard for him to start another one, but it's just almost unfair that he wouldn't give it a try.

And yes, I wrote him another email. I just laid it all out there. Told him everything that I felt. I told him that he has made a lasting impression on me and that he is just way too great of a guy to pass up on and it would be foolish for me to just simply give up on a relationship without at least trying. I told him that I would be willing to work real hard to be have the privilege to be with him. (oooh damn, I wish I said it like that in the email... damn that 20/20 hindsight!)

Here is what I said at the end:

I hope that you will take time to think about what I've said and reconsider a relationship with me. If you do decide that it'd be too hard, then I will of course respect your decision. But my hope is that I've made enough of an impression on you for you to want to be with me.

"What were you thinking!?"
Well, like I said, I don't want to give up on this without giving it a try. I just couldn't deny what my heart was telling me to do. But now, I really do think that this email will give me the closure that I need. I've said all I wanted to say and if he decides that it'd be too hard, then I'll respect his decision, but this time I know that I tried.

I'm not being unrealistic about it... I just wanted to make sure I got it all out there. And now I have, and now I wait for his response...... again.

Closure

So, I wrote that I wouldn't email my boy again. But I felt like I really needed to write one last email to him explaining things to him and apologizing for my behavior for the past few days. And I think I'm just going to be referring to him as "J" from now on. Here's the email that I sent him:

Hey J,
I just wanted to say sorry if I've been a bit too forward with you, but I felt like you should know how I feel about you. I just had a great time with you the short time we've known each other and you've simply caught me by surprise. In any case, I'm glad you will be coming back to Anaheim in October. If you wanna hang out at that time, then give me a call. Hope you're feeling better, and take care of yourself.
-DL

I felt like it just needed to be said, and a great way for me to put the ball in his court. If he wanted to respond to me, he could. But if he didn't, I would be happy to know that I told him what I needed him to know.

Well, after I sent it, I felt a lot better. I went back to work and I basically had a great day, not thinking about it all. Then about 7pm at night, I receive a response back. Here's an excerpt:

So yes . . . I think about you too. You're a great guy! I don't understand how such a handsome sweet guy like yourself could be single. It doesn't make sense. As far as a relationship goes, I really like you and if we lived in the same time zone, I would date you without question. You're on for that date next time I visit.

You know, this is what I needed to hear. He goes on to talk about long distance relationships and how he lost both of his previous boyfriends to long distance relationships. And he just didn't think it would be fair to either of us to start down that path. And it was completely understandable. He wished that I lived closer... and so do I. But I'm really excited about the date that we're gonna have when he comes back out to California.

Like I said, this is what I needed to hear from him... and I hope that we develop a great friendship with each other. I'm not giving up on him completely though. Who knows what can happen when he comes out in October. But this was the closure that I needed to move on with my life.