My Day

My alarm on my iPhone rang at 10:43am. I snoozed the alarm about 3 times, and finally, around 11:15am, I decide to turn the alarm completely off. I open the Palringo Instant Messaging application on my iPhone and go through the buddy list. Clark was online, so I decided to get out of bed, and move over to the couch where my laptop was waiting for me. I turn on Yahoo Messenger and I say hey to Clark.

I've been so thankful for finding Clark and for finding Barry as well. I talk to these two guys more than my real life friends. I look forward to seeing them online everyday. I've been able to open up to them a lot more than my friends. Even the ones that I've already come out to. However, JW and Milo are coming over on Thursday for a "Boys Night" so maybe we'll be doing a lot of sharing that night.

At around 1:00pm, Clark signs off and I decide that I should get out of the house and do something. So I take my check that needed to be deposited about 3 weeks ago and go to the bank. This branch happens to be inside a grocery store, so I also do some grocery shopping, which includes a whole bunch of junk snacks and freezer foods. The whole time I was at the store, I was just not feeling well emotionally. My head was held low, I moved pretty slowly down the aisles, and I just wasn't happy. This has been going on for the past few days, but it was especially bad today.

I get home by 2:00pm and eat some lunch while watching Desperate Housewives. (Missed most of last season, but decided to put the season premiere on TiVo anyway) Then I got back online and browsed the internet for a while. Bored completely out of my mind, I decide to just take a nap before I have to head out for work.

I wake up at 5:15pm and drive to work. At work, I'm supposed to bring joy to paying customers, but I found myself having to force the smile of my face. It's usually an easy thing for me, but today, it was extra hard. I finish what I have to do, and I head home, not even a hint of a smile on my face.

I get home and Barry gets online. I had actually started writing him an email telling him my awful day, but I decide to just tell him on Yahoo Messenger. I explain to him it's J that's making me feel this way. Everything I do reminds me of J. No matter what it is, my mind will link it back to J. I tell him I'm sick of it. He tells me that J is not the right guy for me. And that I like the idea, but not actually him. Some part of me believes that. But then I also think about how perfect he was for me. We shared so many of the same interests and had amazing conversations together. And the sex was great. Am I ever going to find someone like that again? He tells me that I will - but I won't find him, and he won't find me, if I'm still hung up on someone else. There's got to be something that can be done to get my mind off of J. Why is it so hard??

The rest of the night, I watched Dancing with the Stars, Chuck, and Heroes. It's 3:00am now, and I'm watching a show on the National Geographic Channel. I should just get to sleep and try and sleep this depression away. I'm showing signs of mild depression but I just hope it doesn't get any worse. I see commercials on TV for the drug Cymbalta, and I just don't want to be like those actors in the commercial who are mopey and tragically unattractive...

Made it to Florida!

So I hopped on my JetBlue flight Wednesday morning and made my way over to Florida. Wonderful flight. No complaints. Didn't have anyone sitting next to me the whole way there (I had a connecting flight), so I was very happy. :) Go to Florida and PeeJ was there to pick me up. I also met up with my friend Anthony (who is my friend who's getting married at Disneyland, see previous post) and the three of us went to a bar to just catch up. It was great times. I spent the night at PeeJ's family's house. Next day, I met up with two more friends who I used to work with and now work out here in Florida. Had lunch with them at TGIFriday's. Then spent the rest of the day with PeeJ at Disney's Hollywood Studios.

I'm just so happy that I have friends to visit out here. It's great that I'm going on vacation on my own, but it's always better when friends are involved. And I'm just happy to see all of them because I don't get to see them at all anymore!

On to more depressing news now... I emailed J when I was at the airport waiting for my connecting flight. I kept it short, and let him know that I was going to be in Florida... wait... let me just copy and paste the whole thing:

Hey J,

I'm making my way out to Florida right now. I really needed the vacation from work. The cruise fell through (long story), but I'm staying with my friend for the first two days, and then at two different resorts the rest of the time, until the 24th. Not gonna lie, pretty bummed I haven't heard from you in a while, but I'd really love it if you'd come meet me while I'm in Orlando, if anything, just for coffee or something. so please write back or call me and let me know.. you have my number. If you don't want to, then just tell me and I'll leave you alone. it's only fair.

-DL

So what do you guys think? Straight to the point and I ask for a response. Well, nothing yet. It's been a day and a half now. I'm waiting for the weekend to give him time to respond. But I'm seriously just so sad about my situation. I talked with JW and Clark about being depressed... and they talked me out of it a little. But I'm still pretty down. And I know it's absolutely STUPID but I really can't help it. Why is this happening to me?? When will I find happiness again? Milo suggests that I go out to the theme parks, meet cute boys, and be slutty. No other time than while on vacation. LOL! This may be the best advice I've gotten in a long time.