Friday, August 29, 2008

THE Reason for Starting the Blog

There's always some reason for actually starting something new, and in the case of this blog, it's a boy. And I just want a place to talk it out. Maybe writing it out will hepl me see more clearly, answer some of my questions. I'm not necessarily asking for advice from readers, but if I get readers, I would love to hear what you guys think. But I'm getting ahead of myself... here's what's happened in a past few days.

Last Saturday, I received a "smile" on a gay internet dating site. Usually, I ignore them because there is no message attached to "smiles." But for some reason, I decided to check out the profile of the smiler. Getting into the profile, I don't see any description, any pictures... just some stats. Usually, I ignore profiles with no description or pictures. But for some reason, I decided to reply back. And I'm so glad I made that decision. It started off like any other messages back and forth on a dating site. But soon, I could tell that there was more to this guy than just looking to screw around.

Ah.... sidebar.... I don't screw around. I've been on the dating site for a while now, but have not met up with anyone. Guess I'm way too nervous. But I've been on the site looking for people to chat with - and before this guy, it's been pretty much a bust. Anyway, back to regularly scheduled posting....

He actually wanted to talk, asked me about my day, talked to me about random things, and I was having a great time just chatting. Soon, we exchanged emails, in which we were able to talk more in depth about different things. Also, we swapped pics. CUTE! Pretty soon, we talked about what we did, and he told me he worked for a big entertainment company that's both in California and Florida... Yes, the same entertainment company that I work for. Small world. However, he's stationed in Florida and travels out to California for special projects.

We also talked about my being closeted and the idea of coming out. This led to his story and his coming out and I felt so thrilled that someone was sharing their story with me. I had not had anyone to open up to and it was great to just talk about it someone. This made me interested in him even more. Then, surprisingly, he invited me over to watch some TV. And it got real REAL fast. Like I said, I had never met up with anyone online before and though I felt really comfortable talking to him online, meeting up was a different thing. But he assured me that he was a cool guy and if I really was uncomfortable, I could just leave. So, weighing the pros and cons all the way up to his hotel room, I finally decided to take the plunge and knock on his door.

He opened the door, and boy was he cute, and immediately gave me a giant hug. Good start. He invited me in, offered me some water, and we sat down and watched TV. For the next hour and a half, we just chatted about everything. I had such a great time talking about nothing, everything. And as we talked, we sat closer and closer together. Soon, my knee touched his knee, and my leg touched his leg. I let me hand drop beside his hand and he locked his fingers with mine. I felt so incredibly comfortable with him. And did I mention this was my first time being this close with another guy? But I didn't care. It felt completely natural and was what I wanted. We rested our heads on each other and before I knew it, we were kissing. And wow what a great feeling that was. He was so gentle, and a great kisser. :)

In short, the night was a great one. Yes, things did get physical and it was amazing. But the best part was cuddling beside each other and falling asleep in each others arms. I had a great night's sleep. And I felt like such a lucky guy to have had him to cuddle up to. The next morning, he had to get ready for his last day of work out here in California. I watched him get ready: ironing his shirt, shaving, getting dressed, packing up. He was so damn cute. But he really was leaving and we gave each other one last kiss and we said goodbye. We promised to email each other as we left.

I walked away with a big smile on my face, thinking about what a great night I had. I got home, and after some breakfast, I got on my computer and wrote him an email expressing how much fun I had.

Unfortunately, I had to wait an entire day to get a reply from him. He had a long flight and a long day before he had time to write an email back. In the email, he also thanked me for an amazing night. And he agreed that cuddling was the best part of the night. And after receiving the email, I was on cloud nine that he felt the same way, and I wrote him back a reply.

But that was a two days ago. No reply from my cute boy. I read the email more carefully, and he wrote this:

In the right time and place, I would totally date you. I can tell that your a guy looking for something with substance. Only time will tell and lead you down the path to happiness. I may have a trip to Pairs in mid September and then back to Anaheim in October.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

I didn't even think anything of the first sentence when I read it because when we were sitting and chatting in his hotel room, he had mentioned that he'd "totally date me." And I just thought he was repeating himself. But now, I'm not so sure. "In the RIGHT TIME AND PLACE..." Is he trying to cut things off with me? Or is he really just repeating himself? Does it just mean that we live so far away that nothing can really happen?

I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I want to just keep emailing him, telling him about my day and that I think about him pretty much constantly... but I know that would just totally scare him away. I mean, yeah, I definitely understand that having a relationship with each other would probably not work out since we live hundreds of miles away from each other, but why no emails back? And I can't imagine him being such an "asshole" guy as to not email me back at all. I just don't understand what's going on.

I'll wait a day or two more, but I'm hoping I won't have to wait too much longer. But until then, I'll be checking my email every single second of every day. What do you guys think it all means?


James said...

It's good you didn't push it. He was looking for closeness and comfort, but not love. He had "temporary" on the mind the whole time. He probably even figured you would assume the same given the distance. Don't bother him too much; you'll end being that "weird guy."

This is why I tend to still believe sex should be kept within a relationship. It means so much more the longer the relationship lasts.

letopho said...

great entry.