Update on Miles

If you haven't read about my friendship with Miles ending, then you may want to read it here before moving on.

Well, Miles actually wrote me an email while I was in Hawaii. He started off by calling me a nickname that he knows I hate. And he even acknowledges that in the email. So WHY he would do that is beyond me. Maybe he's trying to be funny... but that's not the route to take when you're trying to reconcile.

Then he says that it's obvious that we haven't talked to each other in a long while and that he'd like to sit down and chat so that he can "get stuff off his chest." Off HIS chest? The only thing he should be doing is apologizing. That put me off already...

So I was cordial and replied to him. I told him that I would be back at work after Hawaii and that we can talk then. Well, I've since returned to work. He's had many opportunities to come and talk to me. Again, I still don't find reason for me to make the effort. He's the one that needs to apologize so he should come and talk to me. He knows where I am at work and there are ample amounts of opportunity for him to have a private conversation with me. He just doesn't do it.

I know many of you have commented saying that I should just be the better person and initiate the conversation. And I may have to do that, but it's just so annoying that he won't do it. And I have a feeling it's because he feels that he has done NOTHING wrong. He NEVER thinks he is wrong. In anything that we do. Even if it's CLEAR that he's wrong, he'll make some excuse or place the blame on someone else. So it's probably the case here.

Just completely frustrating and I really don't know what I want to do with it. I don't think our friendship will ever be the same even if we reconcile, but maybe I need to just do something so that it's not as awkward as it has been at work where we don't say more than 2 words to each other in the entire day...

A Friendship Ends

It seems as though my friendship with Miles has ended. (Read my "Important People" section in the sidebar on the right for a short description of who he is). I definitely considered him to be one of my very best friends. We hung out together all the time. But we've always had a really weird friendship. We like to make fun of each other and call each other out on things. People who don't know us very well would ask why we were friends because we seem to be so mean to each other. But that's just how it worked. And we thought it was funny. Just as long as we were just making fun of each other, you know?

Well, as you may know, I work at Disneyland and I have girl partners that I dance with. Being girls, they are ALWAYS weight conscious no matter how skinny they really are. But us guys have our locker room talk and conversation always steers toward our partners... how well they lift their own weight, whether they're good partners, how easy/hard it is to lift them, etc. Well, I mentioned that one of the girls was probably not the easiest to lift just because she is heavier than the other girls but I wasn't saying it maliciously or in any way to imply that she was fat. Just stating a fact. And I said that Miles would probably have a harder time lifting her if they were partners... but mostly a dig at him before heing weak.

Well, a few days after that, when I wasn't at work that day, Miles goes up to her and just casually says, "You know... Doug told me that I wouldn't be able to lift you." So of course, the next day that I'm back at work, the girl confronts me and asks why I would say that. I was so surprised and in shock by it that I didn't know what to say to her. Luckily another girl was next to me and bailed me out. But I was so mad that Miles would repeat it.

After that happened, I called Miles out and asked him what the hell he was thinking repeating what I said to him. He just laughed, thinking that it was funny. I explained to him that I thought what we talked about in the locker room should be kept just among the guys and not to be repeated. I reiterated that I was upset but, again, he just laughed. He probably thinks it's just like any other dig that we make at each other, but this actually invovled another person. What he said hurt another person's feelings. And my friendship with the girl involved has suffered because of it. I can't let that go.

This was about 3 weeks ago. And since that day, I have yet to have a normal conversation with him again. We've had to interact with each other while performing and I had to return something that he loaned me, but that's been it. So from best friends to not talking at all. Today, we passed each other in the hallway, saw each other, and didn't even talk.

And the thing is... if only he just came up to me and APOLOGIZED for what happened, then everything will be fine. But I just don't think I should make any effort to reconcile.. It should be HIM. He needs to make the effort because he was at fault in this whole situation, don't you think? Why should I be the one to try and make up and regain our friendship. Not going to lie, I miss talking and hanging out with him, but he has totally lost my trust. Don't you all think it's just ridiculous that he won't apologize??

Potential Boyfriend?

So I'm getting mixed signals from Jason. Don't get me wrong, things between us are still great. We're hanging out a lot, we talk all the time. He even came over to help me move my new apartment (which I am SO thankful for). But I'm getting different signals about what he wants for the two of us.

First, let me just describe the things we've done together and our friendship/relationship so far. We've had dinner together multiple times. We went to the Ringling Bros. circus together, along with my friends. He has met some of my closest friends. He had me over at his birthday party and held my hand several times at night to lead me around. He introduced me to his closest friends. We go to the gym together. He's playful with me (i.e. He'll playfully nudge me when we're standing side by side, he pinned me down and tickled me for a good few minutes). We like to watch TV together and have made plans to watch certain shows/DVDs. We've slept over at each other's apartments. He's given me a toothbrush head of my own for his electric toothbrush. Oh.. and we have sex a lot.

The flip side to this... he has mentioned in the beginning of our friendship that he's not looking to date right now. He asked if we could be friends with benefits. He seems to use the word "friends" a lot (i.e. I thanked him for helping me move, and he replies with "what are friends for?").

The latest thing on this flip side is what he told me when he came to help me move. As we're getting ready to move my entertainment center, he tells me that the night before he was at a birthday party for his friend that he used to hookup with, and the friend asked if he wanted to have a threesome, which he agreed to. He went on to describe the experience, saying that he wasn't enjoying it so much since the other two were more into each other. While I was listening to him describe it, I couldn't help but feel a little sad inside. Of course I didn't let it show in my face, cuz we're only just friends, but it was pretty tough to hear about his hookups because I really do like him.

But back on the positive side of things, he later said something that I have interpreted to be a good sign. I asked what he was doing after he finished helping me move and he told me that he was possibly going to a wedding reception with his friend. However, his friend still had not replied back to his texts/voicemails about whether or not she's going. And then he says, "She's with her potential boyfriend herself." Ok, after he said that, I was going through my head what that was implying. He could have easily just said, "She's with her potential boyfriend." But because he added the word "herself," it sounds to me like he was calling me his potential boyfriend. And then, you may say that he just accidentally slipped in the word "herself" and it doesn't mean anything. But then again, why would he even mention her potential boyfriend. Why would he need to tell me that? I've asked three of my friends what they think of it... 2 out of 3 agree with me that he was calling me his potential boyfriend and the 3rd just said it meant nothing.

Well, I think I've pretty much written down everything in my relationship with Jason and I'm hoping that you guys can give me your opinions. I know several of you have already expressed that my relationship with Jason doesn't seem to be a good one that will last, and if you still feel the same way, I would still like to hear it. I just want to know what you guys think and any advice you may have for me.

I do plan to talk to him about it soon. Even if he just confirms that I'm a potential boyfriend, I will be happy. Even if he just says that we're "dating," then I'm happy. I don't need to be his boyfriend right now. But I guess I would like to know if we could possibly be boyfriends in the future.

I'm sorry I'm so all over the place with this. I don't know if you can tell...but I like this guy. lol. So my mind just goes at 100mph when I talk about him. Anyway, let me know what you think. :)

The Closure Saga

Is this what closure feels like?

J emailed me back after I sent him that email. It was 3am his time when the email came through and he says that he couldn't sleep because he was thinking about what I said. He couldn't help but think that he has upset me. He apologized for not being ready to be in a relationship, but he wants to continue our friendship and is still up for our date in October when he comes back out to California.

I emailed back and I told him that sure I was upset but it wasn't anything that he was doing wrong... just the circumstances that we found ourselves in. I did tell him that I was happy that he wanted to continue our friendship because I thought I had ruined it by being too pushy about a relationship.

So I mean, that's closure right? We both agreed that a relationship right now isn't the best thing. It wouldn't have been the smart thing at all, considering we really only knew each other for a few days. So we both made the smart decision and we're going to be friends.

So why the f*** am I still thinking about him all day? I'm trying to do stuff to get my mind off of him... I'm going out with my friends... I'm going to work... I go to the gym... I chat online with friends... I watch TV. But I still find myself thinking about him, checking my phone to see if he has replied in an email, leaving my Gmail open waiting for a new email in the Inbox. What the hell am I doing? Why can't I just get him out of my mind? I even have thoughts about just jumping on an airplane to go see him. Who the heck does that?!

Freakin' A -- I NEED to do SOMETHING to get over him.