Barry

Barry Barry Barry... I miss talking to my British buddy. There are so many things that I want to tell him, but we never chat anymore. I really do miss chatting with him - I used to tell him everything, but now we're never online at the same time. I fear that our online friendship might be ending. :( And I know you're reading Barry -- is the guilt trip working? :P

But seriously, I'm just really sad that it's been WEEKS since we've had a good conversation with each other. I miss our talks. I loved chatting with him because he was never judgmental, yet gave me invaluable advice whenever I needed it. And wow, it's almost been a year since I've "met" Barry online.

Well, I really hope that Barry decides to respond to my email soon (::hint hint::)!

New Blog!

Hey guys, so I wanted to take this time to tell everyone that my UK buddy, Barry, just started up his new blog Orbis Terrarum Liber Est. The title is Latin, so go over to this blog to find out what that all means! And if you already know Latin, then how cool is that?!

So go check it out! And tell him that I sent you ;)

Btw, check out the poll I put up!

TIRED but blogging anyway

So I'm pretty tired right now - just had a late night rehearsal at Disney. FUN though. I'm going to have a GREAT time performing this Christmas! If you are in the neighborhood, email me! Come visit me! ;)

Prior to that, I had driven home to have lunch with my mom. I had a good time with her, eating at one of our favorite little cafes. The food was very good today. They make this AMAZING cream soup. YUM! My mom and I talked about the election and how she voted for McCain because she felt bad for the old guy. She wanted to give him a vote for toughing out the grueling campaign schedule at his age. LOL. And I really did laugh out loud at her for her reasoning behind voting for McCain. Well, that wasn't her only reason, but it was great that she told me that first. ;)

Then we touched upon Prop 8 a bit. She said something that was REALLY encouraging: "It's very surprising that so many people voted for Yes on 8." This may seem like a pretty ordinary statement to make, but to ME, it sounds like my mom may actually be quite accepting of gay people, an eventually, be accepting of her son. Her saying that put a smile on my face. But I didn't discuss the proposition any further.

In other news, I came out to two of my friends in the past 24 hours. Last night, I was talking to Davie, one of my great friends from work. I've known him for about 2 years now. And we've gotten pretty close so I felt very comfortable coming out to him. We were talking about Prop 8 and how it wasn't going to pass. And of course, I did this online, because I'm incapable of having face to face conversations:

Davie: Cheer up, Doug. You can still get married. ha.

Me: Oh Davie... I'm disappointed because I can't now. Didn't you wonder why I was so passionate about No on 8?

Davie: Oh Doug. I always knewwwwww. I was waiting for YOU to tell me.

Me: :) You should feel quite special. lol

Davie: haha. Wait until you see my [MySpace] bulletin! JK!

Me: DUMB! I'll kill you!

HAHA, I love Davie. He's so hilarious. He seriously makes me laugh every day. I was really glad that I told him. Because then he said he's hook me up with some guys. LOL.

The other friend that I came out to is actually one of my best friends from high school. Sean was one of the few out kids in high school, and we became real good friends through choir. He goes to school up in Santa Cruz but we've tried to keep in touch as much as possible. This morning, we talked about Prop 8, of course. Went through some statistics from exit polls (showing that the UNEDUCATED idiots were some of the groups that voted Yes) and then I just had this urge to be honest with him and tell him that I'm gay. (Oh and btw, again, online):

Me: So I have something to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm gay. and sorry for telling you online, but you know me... I hate talking on the phone. And I can't tell you in person because you're far away. So there.

Sean: Wow. Well, I mean, however you want to tell me that's cool, right? But wow - Doug! I'm so happy and honored that you told me that.

Me: Well, if anything, I should've told you sooner. but I'm glad I told you.

Sean: No, I mean, it's whenever you're ready.

Seriously am glad I told him. He was the one person from high school that I wanted to tell. So it's great that I can finally be open with him about it.

So all in all, a pretty good day. But now I'm dead tired. And I didn't even shower... guess I'm showering tomorrow morning because my eyes are getting droopy.

Oh and btw, I want to welcome Barry to my blog! I just told him about my blogging addiction ;) and he was very ... chuffed? (... is that what you Brits say?) to find himself mentioned multiple times in my blog. Well, I told him.. He's a pretty big part of my life right now! We chat online almost every day and I tell him most everything that happens in my life. So of course he's in this blog! It's a wonder I don't mention him more often! So Barry: WELCOME!

My Birthday

Disclaimer: Some parts of this blog post are sexually explicit ;)

First, thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday ;)

So on this Friday, I stay up chatting with Barry on Yahoo Messenger until 6am. We find out that we have a lot of the same tastes in music. We start swapping some MP3s, and I find out that you can give songs as gifts on iTunes! Barry sends me two songs through iTunes as a birthday present and I am so thankful. He's so cute for sending me something for my birthday. And I thank him from the bottom of my heart for spending money on me.

After the chat and sleep, I wake up at 12 noon and start my day off with some lounging on the couch. I open up my laptop and go through my routine of checking MySpace, Facebook, and the blogs. Then I open up an internet gay dating hookup site and browse through the profiles. I find a guy that more or less fits my "type": young, athletic, white boy with blonde hair and a good smile. So I send him a message to say hi. Not too much later, I receive a message back asking how I was doing and if I go to 24 Hour Fitness. So through a few rounds of messages back and forth, I tell him that yes, I have a membership, and sure I'll meet him there. I don't usually do this. And by "this", I mean I don't usually agree to random hookups. But I figure, hey, it's my birthday. I should do something fun!

I drive out to the gym and I enter the locker room. Immediately, I see 4 or 5 really hot, half naked guys getting dressed/undressed. Of course I also see 4 or 5 not so attractive guys as well, but I ignore them and focus (without being obvious, of course) on the hot ones. I get undressed as well, feeling completely inadequate compared to all the hotties, which just motivates me to go to the gym more often now, and put on my swim trunks and go out to the pool. I spot him doing some laps in the pool so I take the lane next to him and also do some laps. Swimming is good for my scoliosis, and I have lots of fun swimming - I don't know why I don't do it more often. Back to Swimming Hottie...., we do some continuous laps and we find ourselves taking breaks at the same time right next to each other. We take some glances at each other and make eye contact a few times. He then gets out of the pool and walks over to get into the jacuzzi. I follow suit after doing a few more laps. More glances and awkward eye contact. Other people enter and exit the jacuzzi. We finally give each other the signal to get the heck out of there. So I go back in the locker room and see more hotties down the locker aisles. One of them is checking himself out in the mirror. I would too if I had a body like that! Yum. I get dressed and see Swimming Hottie walking out, so I follow.

I follow him down to a quiet place outside and he tells me that he lives just down the street but his roommates are home. Darn. So I ask if he wants to exchange numbers, so we do. And I head back to my car, trying to decide what else to do for the rest of my birthday. As I put my gym bag in the trunk of my Prius, I get a text from Swimming Hottie: "Wanna fool around in your car?" I respond, "Sure." So I pick him up and we drive across the street to a parking structure and drive up to the top floor. I park, leave the car on of course, and we go about having some fun. He reaches over and starts to take off my shorts. I do the same and he's already hard as a rock. He leans over and we make out with each other for a while. It's still a weird sensation to feel stubble when I kiss but I think I quite enjoy that. And then he leans over and starts giving me a blowjob. He comes back up after about a minute or two and I reach over and play with him. I'm about to lean over to reciprocate, but he tells me to stop jerking him, and then 2 seconds later, he starts cumming. If it wasn't clear before, we had only parked maybe 4 minutes prior to this. Sigh... I'm still pretty hard so I just start jerking myself off. After he finishes and cleans up, he reaches over to finish me off. I just try to cum as quick as possible because it's just awkward now and I kind of want to laugh out loud at him for cumming so quickly. I drive him back to the gym because he rode his bike and I drop him off. Not so sure I'll meet up with him again... but I guess it was still fun to do something that I don't usually do. Plus it gave my confidence and ego a much needed boost.

And since I drove out to Costa Mesa, I decide to head out to the Apple Store there to check out the newly updated MacBooks and MacBook Pros. I find them to be incredibly sleek and sexy! I think I might have cum a second time as I play with these incredible machines. Hehe. But unfortunately, I can't afford to even pay for a nice dinner, so I'm going to just have to be satisfied with my current, outdated MacBook for the time being.

I also visit the Sports Chalet next door to buy accessories for my Halloween costume! After a few days of thinking of concepts and designing and searching on the internet (and some inspiration from Ja over at Gym Ra(n)t), I finally decide that this year, I'm going to be a P.E. Teacher! Of course, a sexy, pervy, hot P.E. Teacher. ;) So basically, I buy wrist bands, a headband, and whistle. I already have long tube socks and some sneakers. And I'm getting a pair of hot short shorts from InternationalJock.com - and this is what they look like:

If only I looked like that!!

I'm just deciding on what to wear for a top. Something tight and sexy. Maybe a sleeveless T. But should I print some sort of logo or anything on it? Will I need to in order to convey the P.E. Teacher look? Or will everything else be good enough? I'm going to carry around a clipboard for pictures, but I'm ditching that when the party begins. But I'm REALLY excited about going to my two planned Halloween parties this year! I just need to make sure to head out to the beach to tan my legs if I'm going to wear those short shorts! That, or get some bronzer!

The rest of the day, I hang out with the ex-girlfriend. And then I have a nice dinner with close friends at Chili's. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I'm an ultra-lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but I decide that my birthday is an appropriate to get a drink. So I leave it up to my friends to choose a drink for me. The only rule is that they have to pick a drink where they don't think I can taste the alcohol, because if I taste it, it's guaranteed to come back up. So they order the Reggae Sunsplash. I don't even know what's in it, but I drink it and it tastes good. So I drink some more. But within a minute, my face turns bright red. And the next few minutes, my friends take pictures of my incredibly flushed face.

I get home after the dinner and decide that since I'm still dressed up nicely from my dinner that this is as good a time as any to take some pictures of myself. I snap about 10-15 pictures, keep about 8, and am now posting one for y'all.


I quickly upload this photo to the internet dating hookup site and start browsing again. I find another boy fitting my type and proceed to message him as well. To my surprise, I get a response. 2 out of 2 for the day. He asks me how I was doing, so I tell him I was doing pretty well and that I just had dinner with my friends for my birthday. He then wishes me a happy birthday and tells me that he thinks that every guy should get a blowjob on his birthday. Hmmm... again, not something that I would do normally, but since it is still my birthday for another hour, I play along. After a few more messages back and forth, I agree to having some fun with him. Then he tells me, "Well, it's pretty late tonight and I have to work tomorrow." Failure... Or so I thought. After the "pressure" of meeting up was gone, we continue to send each other messages back and forth. We swap pictures of ourselves, G-rated and some body shots. We then schedule a time where we can meet up, which will be this Wednesday night. And we swap phone numbers so we can text each other. By this time, it's about 3:00am, so the "I have to work tomorrow" thing was just a lie, but I'm glad he did because I probably would have felt REALLY uncomfortable meeting him without getting to know him more. Swimming Hottie was different because I met him at a public place, but this guy I would be meeting him either at his place or my place. Anyway, I get a text from him at 3:30am asking me for a picture of my cock hard. I think, what the heck, why not? So I take a quick one on my iPhone and send it to him (and I make sure to delete it right away because I know my friends/family like to play with my iPhone... so Miles and Jon - you won't find anything naughty on my iPhone! LOL). He texts me back a few times to tell me that I'm cute and hott (definite ego-booster) and then he asks if I can take a picture of me cumming. So I tell him I can do one better and I give him my xtube channel. (Not going to publicize my channel here tho) He says he really enjoyed it and that he is really looking forward to having some fun with me on Wednesday. I must say that I'm looking forward to it too! And then all of a sudden, it's 4:30am and I decide to call it a night and end my birthday celebration because I'm dead tired.

But all in all, for an unplanned birthday, I had a pretty exciting day, wouldn't you say? A sort of low key, yet adventurous and fun birthday. Looking forward to seeing what's in stored for me this year!

My Day

My alarm on my iPhone rang at 10:43am. I snoozed the alarm about 3 times, and finally, around 11:15am, I decide to turn the alarm completely off. I open the Palringo Instant Messaging application on my iPhone and go through the buddy list. Clark was online, so I decided to get out of bed, and move over to the couch where my laptop was waiting for me. I turn on Yahoo Messenger and I say hey to Clark.

I've been so thankful for finding Clark and for finding Barry as well. I talk to these two guys more than my real life friends. I look forward to seeing them online everyday. I've been able to open up to them a lot more than my friends. Even the ones that I've already come out to. However, JW and Milo are coming over on Thursday for a "Boys Night" so maybe we'll be doing a lot of sharing that night.

At around 1:00pm, Clark signs off and I decide that I should get out of the house and do something. So I take my check that needed to be deposited about 3 weeks ago and go to the bank. This branch happens to be inside a grocery store, so I also do some grocery shopping, which includes a whole bunch of junk snacks and freezer foods. The whole time I was at the store, I was just not feeling well emotionally. My head was held low, I moved pretty slowly down the aisles, and I just wasn't happy. This has been going on for the past few days, but it was especially bad today.

I get home by 2:00pm and eat some lunch while watching Desperate Housewives. (Missed most of last season, but decided to put the season premiere on TiVo anyway) Then I got back online and browsed the internet for a while. Bored completely out of my mind, I decide to just take a nap before I have to head out for work.

I wake up at 5:15pm and drive to work. At work, I'm supposed to bring joy to paying customers, but I found myself having to force the smile of my face. It's usually an easy thing for me, but today, it was extra hard. I finish what I have to do, and I head home, not even a hint of a smile on my face.

I get home and Barry gets online. I had actually started writing him an email telling him my awful day, but I decide to just tell him on Yahoo Messenger. I explain to him it's J that's making me feel this way. Everything I do reminds me of J. No matter what it is, my mind will link it back to J. I tell him I'm sick of it. He tells me that J is not the right guy for me. And that I like the idea, but not actually him. Some part of me believes that. But then I also think about how perfect he was for me. We shared so many of the same interests and had amazing conversations together. And the sex was great. Am I ever going to find someone like that again? He tells me that I will - but I won't find him, and he won't find me, if I'm still hung up on someone else. There's got to be something that can be done to get my mind off of J. Why is it so hard??

The rest of the night, I watched Dancing with the Stars, Chuck, and Heroes. It's 3:00am now, and I'm watching a show on the National Geographic Channel. I should just get to sleep and try and sleep this depression away. I'm showing signs of mild depression but I just hope it doesn't get any worse. I see commercials on TV for the drug Cymbalta, and I just don't want to be like those actors in the commercial who are mopey and tragically unattractive...

The Meeting

Disclaimer: This is a REALLY long post. Make sure you have a snack or some coffee before reading. haha. (And if you make it through the whole post, your comments are greatly appreciated!! hehe... sorry for being a comment whore.. )

So as you know, I'm in Florida, and its known for random rain storms. Well, around 3:00pm, it started to rain. It only started sprinkling at first, so I didn't think anything of it and get on the monorail to head to a theme park. As I got on the monorail, the rain starts getting heavier. I thought to myself, "Oh crap... I don't have an umbrella." I exit the monorail and as I step out onto the platform, I just hear the pouring rain. Here's what it looked like:


It's not that clear of a picture, but you get the idea. This is at 3:30pm. Only 45 minutes ago, it was super sunny and hot. So I stand in the station for a good 30 minutes, deciding what to do. I finally decide that I need to just run out into the rain and get back to my hotel. So when the rain let up a bit, I made my dash. I step into puddles and puddles of water and get completely drenched, but it was actually kind of fun and kind of an adventure.

I finally get to my bus station for my resort. I lose my camera case (my camera is ok though because I had it out to take video of myself running. lol), but everything else is fine. I take my iPhone out and check to make sure there was no water damage. When turning it on, I see that I have an email in my inbox.

Are you free for dinner?

One guess as to who that email was from! If you said J, then you are correct!! I couldn't contain my joy at that moment. One minute I was running in the rain, the next, I finally get what I've been waiting for! So fast forward to 6:30pm, he is outside my door knocking! I totally freak out for a second but then regain my composure and open the door. We exchange a giant hug and we head out. We drive about 15 minutes or so and takes me to a nice sushi restaurant (we both like sushi)

So we catch up on each other's lives. I of course don't tell him about my complete obsession over him. But he does tell me about his ex, Captain Douchebag, and I felt bad for him. Then he tells me he has a new guy..... It's someone he's known for a long time and always had an attraction to but only recently started seeing him in a new way. SIGH.... You have no idea how disappointed to hear that but I do not let myself show it. I tell him I'm really happy for him and that he deserves it. He tells me that they're not officially anything yet, but I can tell he really likes him.

Afterwards, he drives me to the shopping district and we window shop and walk around for about an hour. We just talk and have fun. We were playful and I really enjoyed our time together. I really couldn't have asked for a better date. He drove me back to my hotel, and on the way back, he asks me "Why are you still single?" I have no idea what to say to that. He continues, "I mean, you're funny, intelligent, and attractive. It just doesn't make sense that you're single." I really did not know how to respond to that. I just told him, "I don't know..." Talk about mixed signals... I really didn't know how to take that. Was he just being nice and trying to give me some confidence about myself? Or was he trying to tell me something? I decide that it's just the first reason and don't think much more of it. We drive up to the hotel and our date is over... I reach over for another giant hug. It was a long embrace.. I didn't want to let go. But I didn't want to be a creeper and just hang on forever so I break the hug and open the door. I tell him, "Make sure to let me know if you're coming out to LA again." And he says of course. I close the door and he drives off.

Should I have asked him if he wanted to come up to the room to hang out? I really wish I did. Because right as I closed the door, I realized I still had to go back to an empty room. I walked in my room and just felt completely lonely again. I really do regret that I didn't at least ask, but I just have to get over it. An hour afterwards, I receive an email in my inbox:

D!

I made i home safe and sound. Thanks for everything, I had a lot of fun with you. You're so sweet and funny, not to mention incredibly super handsome. I am so proud of you for coming out to your friends, that was such a brave act and a leap of faith. See what a little confidence can do. :-)

I hope I get to come out to LA rather than Paris. Enjoy your last full day!

J

So there you go... it's that line again. "You're so sweet and funny, not to mention incredibly super handsome." Sigh... But let's first talk about how HE emailed me! Not to a reply to me! OMG, that's a pretty big step I think. Just glad he really wants to be friends. It sucks that he has a guy now, but I'm really happy for him. He's been through a lot with Captain Douchbag and Ex-Boyfriend #1. So I'm glad that he has someone that's (seemingly) great for him.

I just really need to go home now. Today, I spent the whole day alone in the parks. After having such a wonderful time with J, I just want to go home now and leave it at that. There's nothing else that can be done with him anymore. He has a guy and I need to respect that. I was talking with Barry online while in the park, and I told him I need to just get over him. He tells me not to completely get over him. Just put him on the back burner and take it down a notch. He told me never to say never, because you never can know what will happen. But there's no need to just forget about him. He tells me I'll always have feelings for him and that's completely ok. It just shouldn't get in the way of finding new guys because there are lots of other guys out there that is right for me. I really appreciated Barry's advice. And it makes perfect sense to me. I hope I will be able to do that, because I definitely don't want to forget about him. But I also need to just put myself out there and find other guys.

So, this should not be the end of the "J Saga." It certainly is the end of a big chapter.. maybe a whole Volume tho. This has been a real giant part of my life, figuratively speaking. It only started at the end of August, but I feel like J has really helped me find who I really am. And for that, I thank him and will forever be grateful. Some day, I will let him know just exactly how much he has meant to my life... but I guess that will be another Volume of the story.

P.S. I'm so freaking pissed off that I didn't take a picture with him. I guess that will just have to wait until the next time I see him... whenever that will be.

Coming Out, #2

Well, I did it! Last night, I came out to my friend, Milo. He's gay as well and he's been the friend that I really wanted to come out to the most. He's become one of REALLY great best friends and it's just been killing me to not be honest with him. Last night, we were talking online just about random stuff and I just felt like it was time to tell him. I was talking to Barry at the same time too and I was telling Barry what I intended to do. Barry was so supportive and pretty much coached me through telling Milo. It was so nice of Barry and I think he really helped me.

So I just IMed Milo and told him that I had something to tell him. I typed out what I wanted to stay but my finger hovered over the "ENTER" button for a good 3 minutes. Finally, I just decided to press the button. And at first I didn't know how he was going to respond. But he was nothing but supportive. One of the first things he said back was: Can I just tell that I'm very proud of you for being true to yourself. He really is a great friend and it just makes me feel so good to finally be honest with him. And for the next hour and a half we just talked. He got mad that I told JW first (well not really mad.. just jokingly). He also told me he was going to take me out to West Hollywood with JW and celebrate. LOL. Of course, we talked about J, and how I was going to Florida to possibly see him. He gave me some valuable advice and I'm definitely going to try and listen to it.

Well, two coming outs and both were great. As Barry said, I'm just letting my friends know a little bit more about myself by coming out to them. It's just one more characteristic of me that they'll know about. I'll still be the me that I've always been. I think thinking about it that way is really going to help me in coming out to more of my friends.