Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween: Round 2

So I didn't have nearly as much fun in the block party as the smaller party. I think that proves that I'm definitely not a party animal. There were probably 150-200 people at this block party but I think just being in that environment didn't make me very comfortable. Plus, I felt lost when I wasn't walking around with my friends. I knew a lot of people at the party, but only a few that I wanted to actually stay with. So most of the night, I was just hanging on to my friends like a little puppy dog. Plus, I don't drink. I was the DD for the group. So just being around people who were completely wasted out of their minds was not fun for me.

There WERE a lot of great looking boys there though! However, I didn't feel comfortable going up to them to talk to them or dance with them. I didn't even feel comfortable checking them out because I had a bunch of friends there that don't know that I'm gay. So I really just kept to myself the whole time. And it was kind of a downer...

At the end of the night, as I was driving home, Miles asks me if I had fun. All I could say was, "It was OK." I really don't think I had fun at all... Why is it so hard for me to have fun? I just hate myself for being so uptight some times. I wish I was more outgoing, but it's definitely easier said than done. And not being able to tolerate alcohol also sucks. All these people drinking, letting loose, letting their inhibitions go... I won't ever be able to be like that because my body just physically cannot take the alcohol. With the smallest bit of booze, my body gets REAL red and hot and then my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest. It's ridiculous....

So unfortunately, I don't have any fun stories to tell about my Halloween parties... Only a few nice pictures to prove that I was actually a part of it. I guess by actually making it out to the party is my first step at becoming a more outgoing me. But what is it going to take to finally get me to let loose and have fun?


Mr. HCI said...

You should consider yourself lucky that you can't tolerate alcohol. Sure, it can put you at ease but it also puts you no longer in total control of your actions. Would you rather be in control when you approach a cute boy at a party or be drunk and regret later how you handled yourself?

Being able to let loose and have fun needs to come from inside you, not inside a bottle, and, when you're ready, it will.

AJCon89 said...

I'm sorry you didnt have a better time at the party. I also hate going places where I dont really know people and I have to just hang on to one or two friends.

Dont despair buddy... at least you looked hot in your short shorts and wife beater... :-P


Anonymous said...

Just be you. You are the kind of person that doesn't connect in big crowds. That's okay. I bet you have a lot of fun with smaller groups or 1-on-1. That's good. I'm like that too. It's hard enough to be who I am, instead of trying to be who I am not.


Anonymous said...

All it's gonna take is a guy that's completely in love with you. Then you'll be letting loose and having fun like there's no tomorrow.

In the meantime, I know what you mean about crowds. I really do. I feel that there is an inverse correlation between the number of people in a crowd and the level of my happiness.

Doug said...

Thank you guys for making me feeling better ;)

HCI: At times like last night, I DO feel lucky I can't tolerate alcohol because there were some really out of control people. But letting loose is gonna be real hard for me

AJ: Thanks :) Yeah, it sucks when I don't know people because I don't feel comfortable.

Aron: I do have a LOT more fun with closer friends, like at my first Halloween party on Friday. That was WAY better.

James: Omg when am I going to get a guy completely in love with me?? sigh.. And I also agree with your inverse correlation.

naturgesetz said...

Doug —

I know just how you feel about being in a group. The smaller, the better. I don't know how much of it is from just being naturally (?) shy and how much is from wanting to avoid outing myself. But I think it is more from plain shyness.

Wish I had a solution. Group therapy helped me some, but I'm still no good at small talk, and uncomfortable with strangers. I forget everybody's name 30 seconds after being introduced. And if there's somebody I'm attracted to, I have to be careful not to say something too revealing.

I think it would be better if I had been less guarded around people (easier said than done). Because I think people come into our lives who can become our friends if we'll let them. And people come into our lives who can become our lovers if we'll let them. For reasons of my moral beliefs, I choose not to let someone become my lover. Maybe by avoiding potential lovers, I have avoided potential friends as well. Personally, I think having a good friend is even more important than having a lover.

But you can't force either. What you can do is give it a fighting chance to happen. Let people get close to you if they want to. Don't make them do all the work.