Monday, November 3, 2008

Silly Halloween Leads to Deeper Thoughts

So Halloween has passed. It's a fun, silly "holiday" where we can all dress up as something else. And I love how that means we dress up (or should it be down?) as something "slutty." Up until this year, I was the complete opposite, but I finally gave in and decided to be revealing. And I had fun doing it. Not going to lie, I felt kinda sexy. Not that I got any action out of it.. hehe. But it was still fun, for myself, to be doing something, dressing in something, that I would NEVER ever dress in on any other day.

So I posted my pictures on Facebook as well. After they got posted on there, I remembered that my sister also has a Facebook account and realized she would most likely be seeing these photos. And more than likely, she would be sharing these photos with my mom. What would they think about them? Especially of the picture where I'm getting sandwiched molested by Apollo and Naked Chef? And then the next question was, do I really care if they see the pictures? I think my answer to that was NO, because I haven't taken down the pictures. Does this mark another step in my coming out? I don't really care if they see the pictures. And I think somewhere in my subconscious, I want them to see it and I want them to ask me about it. This does not mean that I'm not terrified about coming out to my family though - because I still am! I still think/believe that they would disown me. But there's SOMETHING inside me that's begging for them to find out.

But do you think that me wanting them to find out is just me being afraid of actually telling them that I'm gay? Because there's a big difference between me telling them and them finding out. I guess here are my thoughts on the two scenarios:
  1. They find out: I don't have to come up with the courage to sit them down and tell them. They just ask me about it, and I tell them "yes." But would it take even more courage to say the words "yes?" Because them finding out would mean that I'm not prepared. It would most likely be some sort of ambush from my family where they suddenly ask me about it. Would I be prepared to say "yes?" But it would only be one word and I can just blurt it out and tell them.
  2. I tell them: Will I ever find the courage to actually do this? Since I believe in all my heart that they would disown me, will I EVER actually do this? But it's something that I can prepare for. And it would be done on my terms... my way. Though it seems that doing it on my terms sounds WAY better, I just don't think I can get over the fear of essentially losing my family and actually doing it.
And so a silly day like Halloween has caused all these thoughts to be racing in my head.. who would've thought, huh?


AJCon89 said...

awww.... buddy...

I'm sorry that you feel like you cant come out to them... trust me... know the feeling.

But if you think it is going to go really bad, maybe its best that they dont find out before you are ready... could cause more headaches that way... plus I think that they deserve to be told in a proper way... they are your parents and they dont deserve to see it on your facebook...

make sense at all?



Doug said...

Thanks AJ, for the hugs. :)

But I forgot to mention that I've also been supporting No on Proposition 8 (which seeks to eliminate the right for gay marriage). I've been posting statuses and notes/bulletins about No on Prop 8. I even produced and filmed a short PSA for No on Prop 8 with my friends and posted it on my Facebook... so it's not just the pictures from Halloween now... So I think it's just a matter of if they want to put two and two together.... blah...

naturgesetz said...

Hey doug,

I think the cop and bunny No.2 more than make up for Apollo and the Naked Chef.

You may be on to something about this being your subconscious trying to out you. But you do have deniability. Not only all the girls in the pics, but also you're more covered up than two of the three guys. And I'm not sure that your costume will scream "Gay" at them. Shucks, it doesn't even scream "Gay" at me.

But I can't imagine how scary it must feel to have to seriously fear being disowned if your parents find out. My advice, fwiw, is to delay letting them know as long as you can. And if they ask, I'd suggest that the first words should not be a simple admission (or denial). I'd suggest saying, "I never asked for it. I never chose it. It was something I came to realize about myself, but it was already there. I don't know why I'm this way. I only know that I am. But I'm the same person I always was." They may not let you finish the speech, but I think it's really important, if they confront you, to get the point that it's not your choice out there on the table before anything else.

But unless they ask, I deffo would not come out to them until you're living on your own, and even then only if you're comfortable with it. No need to disturb a sleeping giant.

naturgesetz said...

BTW, good costume!

Seth said...

Generally speaking, Parents always
"already know" anyway. They did, after all, raise you your entire life.

Which can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending how things play out. Avoiding the drama of a confrontation is of course the ideal situation, but it can also be difficult to "plan" it as you can already see.

Either way you choose (or not choose) make sure you keep a level head and calm about it. Getting into an arguement won't really solve anything in the long term.

Your parents might be shocked, upset, worried, fearful, unbelievin g (refuse to accept it) angry, hopefully not disgusted or hateful, although that does happen.

Generally, plan YOUR responses to all of those possible feelings, that was, whether or not you come out at the right time or the wrong time, at lease YOU will already be prepared to deal with it.

And always, be strong.

Anonymous said...

If you tell them, you will find the courage. If you're put in that situation, and you're really that nervous, bring someone along. Don't go at it alone.

Even if your parents reject you, there are two things to keep in mind. 1) You are independent. I know it might sound petty, but not being able to boot you out of the house means they have very little power in the situation. 2) A violent/negative reaction NOW does not mean that that's the way it'll always be. A lot of parents that flat out disown their kids came around...they do love you, and they'll eventually realize that.

yours truly said...

nice aviators, I sported some too this halloween.
On a more serious note-I've felt the exact same way before man. My step-dad even said right in front of me that he would never even let a gay person babysit or take care of my little brother so there's always ignorance out there even if its parents.
On the other hand I now know how good it feels to not have that wall with one of your parents...when I came out to my mom she said that she had known something was up for years and she pretty much had it figured out. Not a shock to her at all and she has been really supportive ever since.

whatever happens good luck man!

Mr. HCI said...

Parents can easily be in the dark. I dropped huge hints for a solid year before coming out to my parents and my mother still expressed shock. She even said, "This would be easier if I'd ever suspected it." When I was a teenager, however, my folks used to joke, "Mr. HCI doesn't like girls," 'cause I didn't go out on a date until I was 17. Bet they didn't think that was so funny when they found out it was true!


Anyhow, if you're fairly certain there will be trouble, definitely wait to tell them until you are in a position to fend for yourself. Also, IMO, it'd be better for them to hear it from you than find out elsewhere.

Many parents of gay kids feel very alone and go through the same thoughts and feelings after a child comes out. One of the biggies is the feeling that their child has died and been replaced by a stranger. To us, it sounds odd as we have not changed but, to them, their whole vision of our future (marriage, grandchildren, etc.) has been ripped out from under them. I would strongly recommend getting them information from PFLAG and some books to read to help them get through these feelings and to understand that they did not fail us as parents (I'm almost positive "Where did we go wrong?" came out of my mom's mouth the day I came out).

Before I came out to my folks, I read five or six books for parents of gay kids and gave them a copy of the one I thought was the best of the bunch (some were pretty bad, too) and I know from speaking to them that it helped. I can't remember the title but, if you like, I can check with them tomorrow as I'm pretty sure it's still on the shelf in their bedroom.

Doug said...

Thank you guys for the great advice! I really appreciate all of it!

I think I'm taking everyone's advice and try to avoid just letting my parents find out about me. I definitely should have something prepared to tell them... whenever I'm ready.

Mr.HCI: If you can find the title of that book, I would greatly appreciate it!

yours truly: Aren't the aviators great?! I was sooo happy I found them! I had not been able to find aviators that fit the width of my head. They're usually WAY too small. but these totally wrap my entire head - and with room to spare!!