Saturday, January 3, 2009

My Thoughts on Matty

In a little bit over 2 days, Matty will be coming down to visit me. I'm happy to be able to spend some time with him soon. It'll give us time to get to know each other more. We promised each other that we'd talk and find out more about each other.

I just want him to come down already, because I still have some apprehensions about starting any type of serious relationship with him.. all based on my first date with him and the texts that we've sent each other. Maybe when we get to know each other better, these apprehensions will go away.

But there are several things that cause my apprehensions. You've already read about the bowling incident... Well, for New Year's, Matty went to a party that his friend invited him to. When I called him to say hi before the New Year, he told me all about how his friend ignored him and the rest of his friends after they got there. And also that he hates life because his friends all suck. And that he wanted to go in the hot tub but her friend told her she didn't want anyone in it because she'd have to clean it the next day, but he was going to do it anyway.

I was actually at MY New Year's party when I made the phone call. And just hearing his situation brought my mood down a bit. I was frustrated for him and wondered why his friend would be so inconsiderate. But I was also frustrated at Matty that almost everything that he's ever talked about has been a downer... He's always talking about how shitty his friends are and how poorly he is treated by the people he knows. He talks about how much he hates life and how badly his life sucks.

I know some of that stuff is out of his control, but I also feel like he likes to sulk and be pessimistic about things. That's just not the the type of person I want to have a relationship with. I know I'm not the most optimistic person you'll meet, but that's more reason why I need someone more positive in my life.

So tonight, after another text from him about hating life, I text this to him:
I hope you don't hate me for saying this but I don't like it when you tell me you hate your life. I like people who can be more positive.

Was that too harsh? He replies with some sort of explanation that I don't really understand... something about saying how things suck right now makes it easier for him to take another new step. But that he really is a positive person.

Well, I guess I'm just glad I got that off my chest. His pessimism was really starting to get to me. And hopefully by me calling him out on it, he won't be so .... whiny anymore. It's just a big turn off for me.

Does it sound like I'm trying to change him? Cuz that's not my intention. But I just wanted him to know what I like and what I dislike... Could I have handled it differently? Said something different? In any case, do you guys agree that it's sort of a turn off?


AJCon89 said...

date an emo... get an emo

Mr. HCI said...

Sending that text was a good thing, IMO. Sometimes folks don't realize how negative they sound until it's pointed out to them. I know because I'm bad about that sometimes but getting called on it usually snaps me right out of it.

naturgesetz said...

It was better to say something than to keep your feelings to yourself. Apparently it wasn't too harsh, because he's still in touch and planning to visit.

Good luck.

Aek said...

It "sounded" a bit harsh, but I think it was probably a good move. There really wasn't much else you could've done, I think.

Hopefully he'll think about it and the consider the next step.

victor said...

i believe that honesty is the best policy. you told him exactly how you felt. if more people could do that, things would be a lot less severe. don't feel bad about that. as far as his pessimism goes, bad attitudes can be contagious. it's easy to get dragged down by someone with one. if he were just pessimistic on occasion, that would be understandable, but if everything he says is negative, i think you may have a bit of a problem on your hands. he may have some underlying problem that could be corrected though. you just have to find out. getting to know each other is a good step. not meaning to sound rude, but don't let him distract you with sex. my ex used to do that anytime something serious came up. sex is fine, but if it derails solving problems, it can be tragic. if you are considering a relationship, you need to get everything out in the open, and then decide where to go from there. good luck buddy.

PhD Snowboarder said...

Just becareful when dating a downer. The tend to bring out the worst in people and like the saying goes, "Misery loves company." I am not saying you are miserable but people that are tend to bring down other people.

Sounds to me like this dude needs to find some faith and some sort of direction.

All in all, I think you will make the right choice.

letopho said...

I think it's good that you communicated that to him. Based on his response, he'd probably try to be more positive.

Yeah! No Debbie Downers please!

Anonymous said...

For years all I ever did in conversations was bitch and complain. It wasn't because I was pessimistic, but because I didn't know how to have a real conversation. I learned it from my parents (who, to this day, can't send me a birthday card without mentioning something bad that happened to them).

It took me a long time to figure this part of me out.

I don't know if the text msg was wise or not. These days I try really hard not to provide criticism that isn't in person or on the phone. emails/text msgs are just too impersonal and easily misunderstood for me.

Best wishes on your upcoming visit.

Shane said...

I believe you can only really meet/date two type of people:

Type #1: With baggage

Type #2: No baggage

Ideally you'd only want to meet Type #2. But there's very, very few people out there who's "got there shit together" -- It's just up to you if you can see yourself with this person for the long-run, and if you want to be there with him to help shoulder the baggage that he has.