Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Will These Feelings Ever Go Away?

Just the other night, I spoke with someone online about Jamie and how he's not worth even thinking about anymore. Well... what do you know? I've gone back to my old ways. As I was browsing through Facebook tonight, it notified me that Jamie had update a bunch of photos on his page. Of course, I go and check them out. I can't help but think how cute he is in some of those photos. He also posted a status saying that he can't sleep. So I left him a comment agreeing that the worst thing is wanting to sleep but not being able to do it.

I didn't actually expect him to reply at all, so I went and took a shower. After the shower, I noticed that I got a new message on Facebook... from Jamie! It was written 15 minutes prior to me checking it. He was actually replying to a note that I had written on Facebook that listed everything I did chronologically from Jan-Dec 2008. In August 2008, I had written "Had some self exploration." This, of course, refers to my time with Jamie and coming to terms that I was indeed gay, as most of you have read.

Well, he replies: "'Had some self-exploration?' Come to think of it, that was the last 'self exploration' I had and it was rather nice. :-)"

So I reply back to him: "LOL. It was rather nice, wasn't it? How are you doing? I see that you've been sick but feeling better now? And what are you doing online at 5am??"

Another few minutes passes by, and he replies saying that our time together was awkward and could have been better if we had both relaxed more. Then he's telling me about his job and how much he's not enjoying it right now. He also tells me that the boy that he was seeing during my visit out there to Florida had gone back to his cheating tendencies so they are no longer together. He again mentions that he has not had any sex since our time together and then ends the reply telling me he spent Christmas sick and alone. :(

I reply to him once again, sympathizing to his work situation and telling him about mine as well. Also sympathize with his situation with his ex-boy and share that I, too, was home alone for Christmas. I then agree that the sex together was awkward, but what I enjoyed most was the cuddling afterwards.

Well, this was at 2:30m, which was 5:30am for him. I didn't get a reply back, so I'm assuming he fell asleep finally. But yeah... that was our little exchange tonight. I don't know what it is, but he just pulls me in every time I see something about him on Facebook. As much as I want to get over him, it really is just not as easy.

Am I a fool for staying in contact with him? Should I stop trying to talk to him? I think that there's still some part of me that wishes that we could spend more time together. Is that just ridiculous? Blah.


naturgesetz said...

The fact is that he made the effort to send you a message. Others may disagree, but to me that seems to mean that he wants to stay in some kind of relationship with you. Just online? The problem still is that you're on opposite sides of the continent.

Only time will tell if you can stand being in touch with him only online. If it works for you, I think you might as well do it. If you find you're obsessing over him and just getting frustrated, than you should probably shut it down, telling him that your feelings are too strong to handle the relationship being just virtual.

PhD Snowboarder said...

I've learned that no matter what people tell you, you are still going to persue this guy until you are ready to stop. It looks to me like you are not ready to stop and that is not a bad thing.

Everyone use to tell me about Holden and I and for me to just leave him alone and I couldn't even though I wanted to. Then one day it just hit me that I was ready to let him go.

Until you are ready to let go then don't worry what others think. Keep talking to Jaime. Only you knows what is best for you.


Aek said...

I personally hate to lose contact with someone, unless I hate him/her (which is rare). I think maybe you should keep in contact, but keep it really casual. When you're ready to let go (if that's what you want), you'll know I think.

Bests and hugs. :P

victor said...

it's not easy getting over your first. and it's not easy to not compare everyone else to your first. not sure what to tell you, except i agree with the guys, keep in touch if you want to, but don't wait for him. you'll know when it's time to go on. in the mean time, enjoy the new guy, and don't feel guilty about being with him, and don't let jamie put a head trip on you for having someone and he doesn't.

aron2631 said...

I have no idea what you should or shouldn't do.

But one thing that strikes me is that it doesn't seem like you two are speaking directly to each other about your relationship. It seems like you just dance around it. Maybe it's too frightening. But to me, the dancing around is worse. So, if it were me, maybe it would be time for a phone call and a direct conversation.

Mr. HCI said...

Will you ever get over your feelings for Jamie? The most likely answer is yes and no.

Yes, you'll eventually be able to move on, but no, you'll never forget him.

A new, solid relationship will definitely help you get over him (all ok w/Matty so far?) but you also have to be ready to let him go.

On the other hand, he was your first and, unless you're a total slut with a bad memory and no conscience, you'll never forget your time with him.

It's tough to let people go.

jay.osa said...

i don't think you will ever forget him. you might be able to be friends though if you both want it. i would just keep it light and have fun. besides it sounds like you might have something that might be better in the long run.