Me, Myself, and I

I'm home with family tonight, which means I'm bored out of my mind because they're all asleep and I'm still awake but I have none of MY stuff to do, so I'm on my computer reading blogs. First, let me just say how HAPPY I am for AJ over at AJ's Ramblings for his first kiss with a boy! So freakin adorable! I actually was watching some TV with my family when I randomly turned on my Messenger application on my iPhone. A second after, AJ messages me with a very enthusiastic "Hi!" and then proceeds to tell me his awesome night with Matt. It was so cute, I couldn't hold my smile in. My family probably thought I was a lunatic for smiling so big at my iPhone (and eventually my computer). So congrats to AJ! He's a good guy and he deserves someone to make him happy. ;)

So I'm not going to lie, but I'm totally jealous of him. And I told him too! ;) But it really just reminds me of how sad a life I have. I was talking with James from Just Me this morning too, and I described my day for him: "I sit. Watch TV. Eat. Then go to work. Then sit some more. And watch more TV." Absolutely ridiculous... I can't believe I've let myself become so complacent with my boring life. I really need to do something about it. And I'm hoping these two Halloween parties this weekend will be the first steps to being a more fun Doug. A more outgoing Doug.

And through all this thinking about myself, I realized that many of you may not know me that well. So I went back to my first few blog posts to see what kind of introductions I gave to everyone. My first post was a MESS. Grammar and spelling mistakes everywhere. LOL. And my second post was all about Jamie. Oh jeez Jamie. That's the bulk of this blog, huh? Reading that post again was kind of bittersweet. I basically described our first meeting. My first intimate moments with another boy. My first time holding hands with a boy. My first time kissing a boy. My first time having sex with a boy. It was such a great night - and I'm never going to forget it. But it also reminds me of what I don't have right now. I just want someone to talk to when I'm lonely, someone to hold hands with when I'm watching TV, someone to share my meals with, someone to cuddle with while I sleep. And I know, I know, he'll come when I least expect it. The perfect guy will appear when and where I'm not looking. But for right now, I'm still lonely, and it sucks.

Wow, this post just got real depressing. I'm not even sure what the point of this post was when I first started it. I probably should think out my posts first before I type... I think I originally intended to give you guys more of a background of my life, but I guess it just kinda veered off course into a pit of my own sorrow. Maybe I'll save my background for another day then....

Well, I think I'll leave you all with the new "Don't Vote" ad campaign. Make sure to GO VOTE on Nov 4th! Your vote WILL make a difference!

Introductions #2

So in my Wedding post, I said that I'm doing away with nicknames and aliases. But after receiving a comment from Joshua, I realized that I'm forgetting to "reveal" the most important alias of all... MY OWN! No need to hide behind initials. So...

Hi. My name is Doug. And I'm a blog-aholic.

Introductions...

Of course it's only fitting that I introduce myself when starting a new blog. I've been wanting to start my own blog for a long time. There's a lot of things that I just need to express and a blog is really the only place that I can do it.

First, I want to thank Matt at Debriefing The Boys for giving me the inspiration to start my own blog. I've been a loyal reader of his blog for a while now and the way he's so open and honest about everything is something I want to emulate. If I can be half as eloquent as him, I will be happy. :)

I feel like I'm a dime a dozen here in the blog world, but I am a closeted 23 year old who's so desperately trying to figure out his life. For the past 6 years, I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We met in high school, shared many common interests, and just had great fun with each other. While I was denying my true feelings inside, I did fall in love with her and we had some great years together. But towards the end of our relationship, I really couldn't deny it much more. Basically, she found my porn and it went pretty much downhill from there. However, we've stayed incredibly close and we're still best friends. So I'm just happy that she's still there for me.

As for why I couldn't deny myself much more, I started working for a big entertainment company in Southern California that's notorious for being open to gays (isn't too hard to figure it out, but I'm never gonna actually say it). And just being around them reminds myself of who I really am. However, I was still with my girlfriend, and the friends that I made at work knew me as straight. So herein lies my predicament. I'm no longer with my girlfriend, and everyone knows that we broke up, but for past 4 years, I've lied to all my friends about being gay. So while you may think it'd be easy to just come out to all my gay friends, I just feel like I'm a big fat liar. But I'm working on it, and I hope that the Right Time and Place will come along where I can let everyone know the real me.