Mommy Issues

So yesterday, my family came down to visit me. It was my mom, my dad, my sister, and her two kids. They stayed at my apartment for an hour or so. My dad had never seen my apartment before so he was interested to see what it looked like. My niece played the Wii Fit for a bit. It was fun times watching her do the hula hoop game. hehe. Afterward, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. I got the Ultimate Feast. SOO freakin' good! And then they drove home.

I got home, turned on the TV and relaxed, but about 15 minutes into whatever I was watching, I just got super tired and let my head rest on one of my couch pillows. I proceeded to sleep through the entire episode. This was at 9pm... I usually don't sleep until 3am. So it was weird. So I just decided to go with it and go to bed and sleep. Which I did. And I had a horrible dream.

So, in my dream, I was living at home again with my parents. My mom and dad were both in the dream. We were back in my old house where I grew up in. My mom comes in my room and tells me that it's time for me to be sent to church. She had somehow found out about me being gay and wanted to send me to my aunt's church to fix the problem. My father agreed. I locked myself in my room and refused to go. I then snuck out of the house, stole one of the cars, and drove off... crying. And that's when I woke up.

It was horrible... I was awake in my bed and just couldn't move or think about anything else. It was so weird. It's a very real possibility that my mom and dad would want to send me somewhere if she found out that I'm gay. Which is why I don't ever want to tell her... ever! But then I also have times when I think about later on in my life when I find someone I want to be with but can never tell my family about him. What is THAT gonna be like? It's just an incredibly frustrating, sad, and horrible situation. My parents are not understanding. They're Chinese. They don't accept homosexuality. Sigh... FML.

Funeral

So I'm home right now... home as in with my family. Or rather just my sister and HER family. My Mom and Dad are in China at the moment. But I'm home this weekend because I'm attending my uncle's funeral. It's sad, but he's been sick for a while. I think it was almost 10 years ago when my uncle needed surgery for something, and he suffered a stroke while under the knife. Since then, he has never been able to regain full functionality. He was able to walk, but only very slowly, so most of the time he was in a wheelchair.

When my family immigrated to California from Hong Kong, we stayed at his house until my parents were able to purchase our own home. He was my dad's sister's husband. I'm very grateful to him and his family for opening up his home for us. He was also a restaurant owner and he gave my mom and dad a job while they looked for jobs too. So I guess we owe a lot to him.

It's sad that I was never too close to him though. I did spend a summer taking care of him when his stroke first happened. And our familys would always go out to eat together and stuff like that. But still, I wasn't particularly close to them. I guess I'm not particularly close to any of my family members. We get along, but I guess I just don't have that family bond with anyone. What does that say about me...?

Well, the funeral is tomorrow afternoon. Then spending the rest of the night relaxing with my sister and playing with her two devil children (lol, I'm only kidding.... well, sorta...). I actually do hope I develop a special family bond with my niece and nephew. Hopefully I'll always be the fun uncle that takes them to Disneyland whenever they want. ;)

Finance and Banking

This holiday season just hasn't been very jolly. Aside from my own financial woes, I just found out the other day that my Dad was laid off from him job in China. My Mom had just flown back to stay with him for the rest of the year, and then he got laid off within days of her arriving. I felt so bad for my Dad... it must be so hard to be told that you're going to be let go from your job. It's almost worst than getting fired, because getting fired means you did something wrong. Getting laid off just means they can't afford you anymore.

I'm not sure what my Dad is going to do now. Is he going to find another job? What place is going to give him a job? At his age? At least he has lots of experience. My Mom will probably have to go back to work somewhere now. He called me to assure me that everything is fine and that I shouldn't worry about him or my Mom. They're actually going to take the next month or so to do some traveling together. The last few years working abroad, he was able to make some good money. So it's ok for now. I'm just worried for them in the future.

And now because of this, I REALLY can't rely on Mommy and Daddy to bail me out financially anymore. I went to an Interview for a teller position at Wells Fargo today. I hope to get a response from them soon for a final interview. For those of you who have read my blog from the beginning are probably thinking: "Don't you have a teaching credential? Why aren't you teaching?" Well, I'm going to have think more about that now. Unfortunately, they don't usually just hire people in the middle of the year, but I'll look into that. Substituting is an option as well, but that's not a stable income because they might not need me every day, and it's pretty much the worst to have to be a sub because kids HATE subs.... we've all been in high school and remember how much we hate our substitute teachers!

So, wish me luck with the teller position. I think it will be a good experience for me. I think I can do well. I have great customer service skills and I think one of my best qualities is my friendliness. So I think it's a good fit for me. And I think it's going to be a great way to make some new friends. I'll have a different group of people to work with and to get to know. :)

PLUS, think of all the customers that walk in. My fantasy:

A ridiculously cute, handsome boy walks into the branch and we make eye contact. He waits in line and stares at me the whole time. He's now at the front of the line. But I have a stupid lady who's asking me lots of questions about her account. I work fast and answer all of her questions and shoo her away. I ask for the next customer in line and he finally walks up. He looks even cuter up close. I take my time helping him with his banking needs, all the while flirting with him. He flirts back. I end his transaction and we say goodbye. But before he leaves, he hands me his business card. He's a regional manager for a very important corporation. He tells me to give him a call so that we can grab coffee some time. Then he walks away, as I check out his hot bubble butt.

And that is how I will meet my husband.

Wouldn't that be the best ever??

10 Things About Me

Well, I know I'm a little late to the game with these "10 things about me" posts, but I figured this would be the perfect time for me to do it since it's my 100th blog post! It was a little over 3 months ago when I first started this post. It's amazing to think that I've had so many experiences in such a short amount of time. And I'm so happy that I started the blog so that I can look back on everything I went through. And I'm also so happy to have you guys out there to chat with and share these experiences with. I've gotten to know some of you pretty well.

But I know that there are so many more of you out there. SO please don't be afraid to write me a comment or an email (nytedragon@gmail.com) or even a message on Yahoo (NerdeusMaximus) or AIM (PowerOfBlast1). I would love to get to know more of you!

So I dedicate this 100th Post to all of you out there! =)

1. I was born in Hong Kong, China in the 22nd hour of October 17, 1984. I am six years younger than my sister. My parents had apparently tried really hard for another baby after my sister and were ecstatic to find out that they were having a son. Asians have this thing about favoring having sons over daughters... passing down the family line and blah blah blah. Wow, what a disappointment I'm going to be to them if/when they found out that I'm gay...

2. I have a "body cracking" routine when I go to sleep. When I get in bed, I lie on my back and bring my knees (one at a time) up and slightly to the side of my chest. This pops my hips. Then I keep my knees to my chest and twist my lower body to one side while keep my upper body still. This helps crack me back/spine. I do this on both sides, which relieves SOO much tension off my lower back. (I've mentioned that I have scoliosis so I have a lot of tension on my lower back). Then I adjust my hips left and right to make sure I'm comfortable. Then I bring my right ear to my right shoudler, and use my arm to assist my neck to crack. I do the same on the left side. Then I clasp my hands behind my head and bring my chin to my chest, slowly moving my head left and right. This cracks and relieves tension off my upper spine. And after all that, I'm totally relaxed and I usually fall asleep within a few minutes. Feels SOOOO good!

3. I have decided that my favorite movie is "Love Actually." Watched it tonight and loved every minute of it. Some of the scenes just makes me cry like a baby cuz it's so beautiful. The whole movie so well written!

4. I have secret aspirations to become a Broadway star. I think that would be the coolest thing to perform on Broadway. If only I could sing or dance...

5. When I was 15, my dad found me watching gay porn on my computer. Naturally, he and my mom freaked out. I don't really remember much because it was a pretty traumatic experience for me. I do remember my mom having a conversation with me asking me if it was my choice to watch the gay porn and then something about genetics. Hm...... Interesting. But that night, my dad came in my room and sat me down. Basically grilled me questions. Don't remember much of these questions. But he was basicaly demanding that I wasn't going to be looking at that stuff anymore. Wow, I just don't remember much from that night at all. But after a few days, to make my mom and dad happy, I remember going into their room and telling them that I had a crush on a girl at school. To this day, my mom still asks me about her.

6. I dated my ex-girlfriend for 6+ years. I've mentioned my ex-gf, Jen, before and how we're still great friends now. So now you know that we have a lot of history together. We started dating when I was a senior in HS and she was a junior. We had some really great times. But I already knew I liked boys at the time, even though I was trying to supress it. I tried convincing myself that I really did like girls, but as years went by, I just couldn't deny it any more. Then one day, while I was on a family vacation in Japan with my family, my ex-gf snooped on my computer and found my porn. She was really angry at me, but when I got back to the US, we decided, somehow, that we would work it out. I don't know what the hell we were thinking. I don't exactly know what we planned when we said we would work it out. I guess maybe I was going to supress my feelings for boys. But it never worked. And finally, after another year, we decided to officially break up. Yes, a year. And it was a pretty sad year. We practically never saw each other (even though we lived together) and just ignored and avoided the problem. Breaking up was the best decision that we made for the both of us. We moved out in June of this year, and the rest is what you all have been reading here.

7. I have a pillow that I have to sleep with at night. It's a pillow that I've had since I was 2. Yes, the same exact pillow. It's a very small pillow... the pillows that you would give to babies. And that's why I call it "Small Pillow." It's the same pillow, but a different pillowcase. But this particular pillowcase I've actually had since I was 6. I sleep with it in my arms every night. I don't take it with me on trips though.. just when I'm at home. These days, I just pretend Small Pillow is a boy that I love and I'm cuddling with him while I sleep.

8. I was, and still am, a HUGE Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan. I wasn't a fan of the movie.. just the TV series. I have all 7 seasons on DVD. And I also have the spinoff series, Angel, all on DVD as well. It was 8 years of my life (Angel went on for one more year longer than Buffy), and I loved every part of it.

9. I have never done anything that you would count as "outdoorsy." I have never gone camping. I have never been at a bonfire. I have never been backpacking. The closest was going to Band Camp up in the mountains, but we still had cabins to stay in and stuff. So it really doesn't count. Though I say I would LOVE to go camping some day, I feel like I'd be too much of a city boy to enjoy "grunging" it in the outdoors. But maybe if I was with a boy that I really like, it wouldn't matter ;)

10. I am Blue-Purple color blind. Those color blind tests with the dots and you see numbers... I can't do those. Most of them, I can't see the correct numbers. They make it so that if you're a certain type of color blindness, we see a different number than those with normal vision. I remember my first time taking the test at the eye doctors, and the doctor had my mom come into the room. I said some number, and my mom was like, "Are you serious? That's the number that you see?" And I was like... "Yea, what's the problem??" LOL. So I can't really distinguish blues and purples very well. I also use it as an excuse for my horrible fashion sense. :P

Well, I hope that this gas given you a better glimpse into my life. If you have any questions or comments about any of it, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me. Again, I love to make new friends online, so just go ahead and email or IM me. :) I promise I'm a nice guy!

Money, Gum, and a Date

Since I slept at 4:30am the night before, I don't wake up until 12:30pm. So there goes half the day. Upon waking up, I feel compelled to check my bank account and am horrified to find that I have no money. Well, not horrified, because I already knew that I had no money in the first place. But it puts me in a spiral of depression because I have no money and don't have a real job and can't afford anything.

What makes me even more depressed is that I know I'm going to have to call up Mom to ask her for help. You see, my Mom and Dad were the ones that insisted on me living alone in a nice place. So it really isn't my fault that I can't afford rent. They help me out each month, but this month, they didn't give me nearly as much. And I wanted to be independent and not ask for the help, but it looks like that's not possible right now. I am waiting for my paycheck from my second job but it hasn't arrived yet so I need the money ASAP. I write an email of desperation to Mom:

Mom,
Is there any way you can transfer some extra money into my account? The money you gave me this month isn't enough. Work right now is slow but it'll pick up during the Christmas season. And also my second job still hasn't paid me, so I need some money in the bank account now to pay off my bills. Thank you.
Love,
Doug

After writing the email, I still think that I need more money. So I decide to email my sister to ask her for money since she's paying me to take her online traffic school for her:

Sister,
Can I get the money upfront? I need the money ASAP to pay bills. Thank you.
Doug

Well, 2 minutes later, I get an email from her back:

Ask Mom for the money the next time you're around.

And not only did she not agree to give me the money, she CCs my Mom her reply back. So now my Mom knows I'm really desperate for money and asking around for it. ARGH! My sister is such a bitch some times! What the heck is wrong with her? Do any of you have siblings? Do they stab you in the back like that? I wish I had a sister that was on my side!

The rest of the day is pretty bland. I sit at home and watch TV. Then I go to work for all of 3 hours. I do head to Target after work because I have to return something. I walk in, hoping to see the cute boy that works at the registers. And BINGO, he's there! So I make my return, and then I walk into the store, desperately trying to remember what I needed to buy so that I can go go to his checkstand. I walk the whole entire store and can't remember what I needed!! Finally, I pass by the gum/candy aisle and take a big pack of Eclipse gum (that I keep in the car) and then head over to the cash registers. I stand in his line, staring at him the whole time. His name is Abraham. He has dark hair, dark eyes, and a cute smile. It's almost my turn in line, and then I realize I look like an idiot only buying a pack of gum at Target, so I quickly look over at the candies on the side and grab a bar of Toblerone chocolate. (YUM!)

When it's my turn, he looks up at me and says "Hi. How are you?" I say I'm fine, and I continue to look at him. "$4.82, please." Ok... so I hand him a $20 bill. He makes the change, takes the receipt, places them in my hand, and says, "Thank you, have a good night," all with a smile on his face. :) I smile, and I walk out the store.

Isn't it pathetic that I had to go find something to buy just to check out cute boys? Sigh...

I guess I'm working on that though. A few days ago, I was on gay.com and someone sent me an instant message through their new Messenger thing. We talked about Prop 8 and I found out that he was a head volunteer working at the polls. I really admired all the work he was doing for it. Although we didn't get the results we wanted, it's great to know that so many people cared and that we did all that we could. Anyway, been talking to him online now (we have each others' AIM) and I think we might be going on a date on Saturday night. Only problem is I have a wedding to attend that day. It starts at 4pm, but I don't know when it will end. But I'm thinking it won't end THAT late. We can maybe do something at night for the date. He had suggested going to see Changeling in the theaters. But when I told Miles, he said it was a horrible idea. Dates should be used to get to know the other person, and a movie doesn't allow for that at all. So I messaged him and asked if he would want to do dinner or something before the movie. He said "possibly." Don't know what that means... But I explained to him that I wanted to get to know more about him, and being inside a movie theater won't let me do that. And then he agreed. I told him that I would give him a call on Saturday to let him know when I would be free after the wedding.

So yeah -- I guess I have a date! I'm really nervous actually. I just don't think I do well with new people. I find it hard to talk with someone I don't know. I don't know what to talk about most of the time. And I'm such a boring person that there's not much to talk about. So I'm just worried that it's going to be a real awkward time. Hopefully he'll do a lot of the talking or something. Argh -- I haven't been on a date since the night with Jamie. And that's with someone that I kinda already knew. And so if we don't count Jamie, I haven't been on a real date with someone new in 6 years. What the hell!? I'm gonna be a horrible date.... but wish me luck any way.

TIRED but blogging anyway

So I'm pretty tired right now - just had a late night rehearsal at Disney. FUN though. I'm going to have a GREAT time performing this Christmas! If you are in the neighborhood, email me! Come visit me! ;)

Prior to that, I had driven home to have lunch with my mom. I had a good time with her, eating at one of our favorite little cafes. The food was very good today. They make this AMAZING cream soup. YUM! My mom and I talked about the election and how she voted for McCain because she felt bad for the old guy. She wanted to give him a vote for toughing out the grueling campaign schedule at his age. LOL. And I really did laugh out loud at her for her reasoning behind voting for McCain. Well, that wasn't her only reason, but it was great that she told me that first. ;)

Then we touched upon Prop 8 a bit. She said something that was REALLY encouraging: "It's very surprising that so many people voted for Yes on 8." This may seem like a pretty ordinary statement to make, but to ME, it sounds like my mom may actually be quite accepting of gay people, an eventually, be accepting of her son. Her saying that put a smile on my face. But I didn't discuss the proposition any further.

In other news, I came out to two of my friends in the past 24 hours. Last night, I was talking to Davie, one of my great friends from work. I've known him for about 2 years now. And we've gotten pretty close so I felt very comfortable coming out to him. We were talking about Prop 8 and how it wasn't going to pass. And of course, I did this online, because I'm incapable of having face to face conversations:

Davie: Cheer up, Doug. You can still get married. ha.

Me: Oh Davie... I'm disappointed because I can't now. Didn't you wonder why I was so passionate about No on 8?

Davie: Oh Doug. I always knewwwwww. I was waiting for YOU to tell me.

Me: :) You should feel quite special. lol

Davie: haha. Wait until you see my [MySpace] bulletin! JK!

Me: DUMB! I'll kill you!

HAHA, I love Davie. He's so hilarious. He seriously makes me laugh every day. I was really glad that I told him. Because then he said he's hook me up with some guys. LOL.

The other friend that I came out to is actually one of my best friends from high school. Sean was one of the few out kids in high school, and we became real good friends through choir. He goes to school up in Santa Cruz but we've tried to keep in touch as much as possible. This morning, we talked about Prop 8, of course. Went through some statistics from exit polls (showing that the UNEDUCATED idiots were some of the groups that voted Yes) and then I just had this urge to be honest with him and tell him that I'm gay. (Oh and btw, again, online):

Me: So I have something to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that I'm gay. and sorry for telling you online, but you know me... I hate talking on the phone. And I can't tell you in person because you're far away. So there.

Sean: Wow. Well, I mean, however you want to tell me that's cool, right? But wow - Doug! I'm so happy and honored that you told me that.

Me: Well, if anything, I should've told you sooner. but I'm glad I told you.

Sean: No, I mean, it's whenever you're ready.

Seriously am glad I told him. He was the one person from high school that I wanted to tell. So it's great that I can finally be open with him about it.

So all in all, a pretty good day. But now I'm dead tired. And I didn't even shower... guess I'm showering tomorrow morning because my eyes are getting droopy.

Oh and btw, I want to welcome Barry to my blog! I just told him about my blogging addiction ;) and he was very ... chuffed? (... is that what you Brits say?) to find himself mentioned multiple times in my blog. Well, I told him.. He's a pretty big part of my life right now! We chat online almost every day and I tell him most everything that happens in my life. So of course he's in this blog! It's a wonder I don't mention him more often! So Barry: WELCOME!

The Election, Prop 8, and Mom

I'm now 24 years old and it's time that I take a more active part in this country's politics. I already missed the 2004 elections. I let that opportunity pass by because I was too lazy to be informed. But I am changing that. I want to know about the issues and the policies. I want to read the news and be updated on what the candidates are saying. I want to exercise my right as a US citizen to vote.

The California Voter's Information Guide was sent to my house about 2 weeks ago. It details all the Propositions in California, giving the background, the proposal, the fiscal effects, and then has the argument for each proposition and the rebuttal for it. I'm hoping that everyone received one in the mail. Well, I had mine. And then being the idiot that I am, I probably threw a pile of junk mail on top of it, and then threw away the entire stack. I was so excited to read through it, use a highlighter, and write annotations on it. But now I don't have one. Yes, I know there's one online, but I don't want to just read it online and I don't want to print out 100+ pages! So I've been asking my friends to give me a copy if they have an extra one or if they don't plan on using it. I'm hoping I'll get it tomorrow... because I want to give myself enough time to read through all of it!

In other news, I went home to my family this weekend. My family had the Voter's information Guide, but it was in Chinese so I couldn't use it. But my mom was flipping through it and she asked me what each one was and what I thought about it. I told her I didn't know because I threw mine away... but then she mentioned Proposition 8. She asked me what I think about it. So I told her that Prop 8 is trying to overturn the courts' decision and that it would be taking away the right for people to get married. I don't think we went any further than that. But in my mind, I was actually afraid that she would ask for more explanation. I was afraid that if she asked me more about it, I would get pretty heated about the whole thing. And I was afraid that if I got heated about it, that she would ask why I feel so passionate about this issue. And I was afraid that if she asked me why I was so passionate about it, that I would have to tell her that it's because I'm gay.

All of this seriously went through my head as I was standing next to her with the guide opened in front of us. I just don't think I'm anywhere near ready to come out to my mom. I think I'm going to have to do this gradually. Maybe feel out how she feels about gay people in general. I have a pretty good idea already, but I'm basing that on just the general view of gay people in the Asian community/culture. But maybe it's different with my mom. Maybe she'd be more accepting. And maybe it'd be different if it was her son. I just don't know. Maybe it'll take years before I'm ready to come out to her.. and maybe it'll be never. But for now, it's just a very daunting thought.

This is what I hope will happen if/when I do come out to my mom:

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

DOUG and MOM are sitting on the couch, TV on in the background.

DOUG

I have something to tell you.

MOM

What is it?

DOUG

(hesitantly)
Well, I wanted to let you know
that I'm gay.

MOM stops focusing on the television and looks at DOUG. She looks into his eyes and wants to say something. But without saying anything, she leans over and gives DOUG a hug as if to say that she accepts it and that she loves him no matter what. They stay in a tight embrace, tears running down DOUG's eyes out of happiness.

Lectured

I just spent the last hour talking with my Dad online. "Talking with" is probably not the right phrase. "Being lectured by" is more appropriate for what happened.

Yes, I work at Disneyland. No, I do not get paid well. Yes, I am qualified to receive a higher salary. But NO, I do not want to leave my job right now. My Dad doesn't understand that, to me, happiness and enjoyment in my job is of utmost importance. I like going to work and really being happy about what I do. I don't want to go to work and just count the minutes until the day is over. That's not the way to live life.

All the education that I've received has really been to appease my Mom and Dad. Of course, they always wanted me to be a doctor. And then when I wasn't going to do that, it was a lawyer. And then when I wasn't going to do that, it was an engineer. And then I/they settled for computer programmer. And they must have wanted to disown me when I switched majors and went into Economics for no apparent reason. Well, I eventually graduated from UCLA, just like they wanted. But I didn't want to do anything Economics or Finance related, which pissed them off royally. So I said I'd study to be a teacher. So this the past year and half, I received my teaching credential in high school mathematics and am getting my Masters in Education - all to make my parents happy.

But WHY am I putting myself through all this to make THEM happy?? I never WANTED to go back to school after graduating UCLA. And after my teaching credential, I definitely didn't want to continue to get my Masters. But somehow, their influence got to me and I gave in. It's ridiculous what I've done to make them happy.. all throughout my life. And I'm tired of it.

I flat out told my dad I KNOW that my salary is minimal right now and I know there are better paying jobs out there. I KNOW all that already. But I am happy right now where I am and I want to be happy with what I do for a living. Teaching jobs will always be there.. especially in Math. I have no worries that I can find a job if I need it. But for now, I want to do what I want to do, and that's stay at the job that I am now. I will look for other jobs WITHIN Disney, and if the right one comes along, I will apply. But I am staying where I am now because I like it.

I didn't say THAT much, but parts of it were there. And after that, I just told him, it's 2am here now (he works in China) so I'm going to sleep. Goodnight. And then I logged off.

My Mom and Dad team up to do this to me every month or so and it just gets me real frustrated. Do they really NEED to lecture me like this all the time? Do they really think I don't know? It has just become annoying... argh. But I don't want to give in this time. I DON'T. I WON'T! I will do what I think is right and what will make me happy. There will come a time where I will need another job, but for now, I enjoy what I do and I am going to do it as long as I am still capable. And that's that!

Thank You!

So it's been a pretty uneventful day today. My mom finally agreed to lunch with me. If you saw my Twitter, then you know that I called my mom the day before and asked her if she wanted to eat lunch with me, to which she said "no." She had already eaten a small sandwich and didn't feel like going out. ARGH! Mom has NEVER said no to having a meal with me! What is the world coming to? Does she not love me anymore? Well, she made up for it today by taking me out for lunch and all is better in the world now.

So I want to take this opportunity to THANK all of you readers of my blog! And thank you for all the comments and emails and Gmail/Yahoo messages that I've received! It's nice to know that people are reading my thoughts and have given me support when I've needed it. :) You guys are awesome and lots of hugs and kisses to you all.

I leave you all with a random question; please just humor me ;)
What super power would you like most to have and why?