Monday, April 20, 2009

Mommy Issues

So yesterday, my family came down to visit me. It was my mom, my dad, my sister, and her two kids. They stayed at my apartment for an hour or so. My dad had never seen my apartment before so he was interested to see what it looked like. My niece played the Wii Fit for a bit. It was fun times watching her do the hula hoop game. hehe. Afterward, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. I got the Ultimate Feast. SOO freakin' good! And then they drove home.

I got home, turned on the TV and relaxed, but about 15 minutes into whatever I was watching, I just got super tired and let my head rest on one of my couch pillows. I proceeded to sleep through the entire episode. This was at 9pm... I usually don't sleep until 3am. So it was weird. So I just decided to go with it and go to bed and sleep. Which I did. And I had a horrible dream.

So, in my dream, I was living at home again with my parents. My mom and dad were both in the dream. We were back in my old house where I grew up in. My mom comes in my room and tells me that it's time for me to be sent to church. She had somehow found out about me being gay and wanted to send me to my aunt's church to fix the problem. My father agreed. I locked myself in my room and refused to go. I then snuck out of the house, stole one of the cars, and drove off... crying. And that's when I woke up.

It was horrible... I was awake in my bed and just couldn't move or think about anything else. It was so weird. It's a very real possibility that my mom and dad would want to send me somewhere if she found out that I'm gay. Which is why I don't ever want to tell her... ever! But then I also have times when I think about later on in my life when I find someone I want to be with but can never tell my family about him. What is THAT gonna be like? It's just an incredibly frustrating, sad, and horrible situation. My parents are not understanding. They're Chinese. They don't accept homosexuality. Sigh... FML.

5 comments:

AJCon89 said...

*hugs*

Love you... and miss you.

Peace,
AJ

Seth said...

I'm sorry you are in such a situation, along with so many other wonderful people.

:(

Aek said...

:( I understand what that must be like. I've never had a dream like that, but it'd scare the shit out of me.

*hugs*

P.S. This is a stupid question, but what does FML mean? I'm blanking. o_O

Godfrey Off the Grid said...

aww. that's rough man. we've all got our issues though. just gotta keep pushing forward. you'll get there soon enough. and in their hearts, you'll always be their son. whenever you decide to tell them, just remember to give it time.

ChelseaNoob said...

Doug, I read your post and it just rang like a crystal bell in my head. I read about your nightmare and I just had chills down my spine because I was totally there too. I'm also Chinese, originally from California, with religious parents/family. I identified myself as gay around 14 or so, and I just put it away in a box and decided it was something I could never have. I actually just came out and started dating men in February (at the age of 29), and I came out to my parents in March, so it was all very sudden. And honestly, I'm not gonna lie, coming out to the conservative Chinese parents was pretty awful.

First of all, they were visiting me (I live in New York now), and of course they had to stay in my apartment even though I live in a tiny studio, and cook in my tiny kitchen because that's what my Mom has to do. They were staying with me for 4 days and I decided I was going to come out to them in person so it had to be then. I came out to them on the second day, and they became just stereotypes. My Dad just decided he suddenly had to take some unrelated business phone calls and just tried not to deal with the situation. My Mom just stared at the wall and started crying. This was pretty much the whole first night. The second night, my Mom started asking me the really weird questions, like if I was molested as a child, or if this was because she was a working mother when I was growing up. On the third day, I decided I had indulged her hand-wringing and "why-me" questions, so I told her - "You can analyze my childhood and wonder what you did wrong as much as you want, but let's just be clear here-- what you're doing there is wishing that you had a different son. I'm what I am, and that's pretty much it." She was kind of sullen for the rest of the time, but my Dad actually surprised me and started saying the right things about how he wanted me to be happy and he wanted to be a part of our lives. My Mom and I were strained for a while after.

The really good part of the story comes last Sunday actually; my Mom just called me out of the blue to talk (we hadn't really spoken much since they were here) and she wanted to know how I was doing, if I was dating, etc. She said she wanted me to be happy, and then (and I quote) "and we want to make sure you're being safe in your dealings." I know it sounds horrible and mildly homophobic, but in the context it was really sweet. And also, I'm trying to convince my circle of friends to start using "dealings" as a euphemism for rough gay sex. (Usage: "I got dealt last night"). I'll let you know how that goes.

And I can't stress enough how important the support network is going into the coming out. If you have family members that you're out to before, like siblings or close cousins, having them to talk to before and after to temper the parental craziness is important. I had my brother and sister on speed dial during the whole thing, and they were awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the monster comment. I just wanted to let you know that the Chinese parent thing can go both ways. Of course they have had our lives planned out since we were 8 years old, and make dramatic proclamations whenever we veer from the path, but they do it because that's how they think it's the best way to show they care about you. When you do decide to come out to them, make sure you give them their space, but make it clear that it is not a negotiation and that it's something you are comfortable with. When you're coming out to them, it's because you love them and you want to share your life with them, and they will accept you for that.