Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Why You Can't Trust Your "Friends"

Tonight, I learned that you really just can't trust your "friends."

This is all out of order now because I was going to blog about a new boy that I started seeing. This new boy, we'll call him Ohio, is cute and we had a lot of interests in common. I found out that he works at Disneyland too and that we were actually neighbors. He lives across the street from me. So we hung out one night and just talked and talked and it was fun. We also watched TV together and had lunch, so things were (I thought) going pretty well.

2 days ago, he came to watch me in the parade, which was really cute. My friend in the parade, James, spotted him out in the crowd and asked who he was and I told him he was a boy that I was starting to see and going on a date with. James said he was really cute and I could tell he was jealous.

That night, James Facebook chatted me and asked me about him. He asked for his name and I told him. And then he said he's friend request him on Facebook. Half-jokingly I told him, "Don't steal him from me!" And he just said he just wanted to check him out on Facebook and be friends. And all I could say back was, "Well, you do whatever you want James" because it was too late now. He already had his name and could look him up. I already had a bad feeling about it as soon as that conversation was over.

The next day, Ohio asks me who this James person was because he friend requested him on Facebook. I told him that he was a friend from parades and I had told him his name because he had asked. Ohio said he recognized him from the parade but just wanted to make sure and that he doesn't accept friend requests from people he doesn't know.

Yesterday, before work, I asked what Ohio was doing and he said he was going to be in the park the whole day and he'll watch me in the parade again. I asked what he was doing afterwards and said he already had plans with his roommates. Oh well. So he watched the parade and I danced for him. Again, cute that he came to watch.

I went home and started watching TV. An hour later, I looked at my Facebook and saw that Ohio had mobile uploaded a photo of himself and James on Space Mountain! I saw the picture and I was sooooo freakin' livid. I was actually shaking and just couldn't move for a few minutes. I was so mad! I text James: "Wow..." And he had the audacity to pretend he didn't know what was wrong. I told him he knows exactly what is wrong and don't play dumb. Played dumb again. Here's the text conversation.. (and I left all of his spelling/grammar mistakes in)

Me:  Hope you have fun with your new friend. I can't believe you...

James:  Doug seriously. Why r u being like that.

Me:  You know if you just told me, I probably wouldn't be this upset. That's messed up and you know it. And it doesn't matter what your intentions are with him. Even tho im pretty sure what they are. It's hard enough for me to find new friends... Why couldn't you find your own?

James:  Wow. How older than u r than me and ur reacting like this seriously. You've been on dates with him I haven't. Really.

Me:  There's nothing wrong with what you did.. It's how you did it. Seriously you could have told me.

James:  exactly what did I do ?!!!

Me:  James, it's simple courtesy to tell me that you were going to hang out with him. You know Im interested him. It's the least you could have done.

No responses (for a while) after that. In the meanwhile, Ohio texts me as well:

Ohio: Hey don't be mad at James. I'm sorry this was my fault. I should have told you. If you're upset, be upset at me

I didn't respond to him at all. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to him either. you know, we had only hung out a little bit and nothign really happened between us yet. So we weren't really much more than friends yet. But I started to like him because he was nice and easy to talk to. But no matter how long I had known him, James knew that I was interested in him and that we were going on dates.

At midnight, James and Ohio both text me. Ohio says that it's all his fault. He was the one that messaged him and the one who invited him to hang out. He admits it was really shitty to do. I respond back that I obviously can't tell him who to hang out with but the fact that neither of them told me was what I was upset about. Ohio admits that he wanted to keep it quiet for a bit. I asked why, and he said because he didn't want to hurt me. And he kept telling me not to be mad at James. I just told him that it's as much his fault for not telling me about it.

James said he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and doesn't want this to come between us. He says he knows he's in the wrong now but then he complains that he thinks I'm mad at his intentions. I respond back that I'm most upset about him hiding it from me, and not his intentions to "steal" him from me or whatever. He says he wasn't hiding anything. So I ask, "so you don't think there was any need for you to tell me that you guys were hanging out?" He asks, "he didn't tell you anything?" I say, "No he didn't, but you didn't think to mention it to me when you saw me at work?" He says, "He invited me after work when you were gone."

Sigh.. I was done at that point. I just said, "Ok well thanks for the explanation." Again, he says he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but I don't respond.

Could he not have TEXT me after he got the invitation? You guys might be thinking that I totally over-reacted over a boy that I hardly even know yet.. and maybe I did a little bit. But I still think that it was a super shitty thing for BOTH of them to do. I'm really not sure who I'm mad at more. I just can't believe that a friend would do this...


Anonymous said...

i agree with you. that was a classic case of betrayal. what i don't understand is how neither one of them thought about how it would affect you. all they have to do is put themselves in your shoes. hope you feel better soon. cheers.

a UK reader

Pilgrim said...

Facebook is a tricky thing. When I joiner it, I asked my uncle to become a friend online too, as IRL, it took him like aday and the mention of my Dad. One has to be careful there. Propz Pilgrim

torchy! said...

oh Doug. i'm really sorry this happened to you. it hurts so much at the time and just makes things really awkward with your 'friends'.

i know. i've been there too.

really hope things get back on an even keel with your friends very quickly Doug. i imagine it'll make it difficult when you'reworking with James


Captastro said...

Doug, I had a novel of advice to leave for you, but when it comes down to it, torchy! says it best. I will add though, that these guys will likely think differently after they've been hurt the same way.

Anonymous said...

Sorry this happened. It isn't true about "friends" in general--don't lose hope.

But it does appear that you have two friends who wanted to find out if they liked each other more than they liked you.

The excuses are not explanations. They are just excuses. They didn't think that they'd get caught, but were clumsy and got caught.

It might be possible to forgive, but enough with the lame, "I didnt know I was doing anything wrong" bullshit.

Aek said...

:-( *Hugs*

I don't have anything to say. I'm brain-fried right now.

dannie said...

i think james was at fault the most since you two are friends. unlike ohio who's just a boy you just met. either way it's really shady. sorry to hear about your boy troubles.

Mr. HCI said...

Yeah, that was pretty shitty. If it was all innocent fun, they wouldn't've tried to hide it from you.

Godfrey said...

i'm gonna say what i think. i think you reacted appropriately and i would have been pissed off too. BUT i also think they apologized. seems that Ohio is more at fault here especially since he knew he was your friend and he's already dating you. that's just plain rude of him. james on the otherhand seems to just be stupid and thinking more of himself. i think if ohio did really ask him to go hang out with him after you had already left, then that's fairly innocent. however, it was stupid of him to friend him on facebook in the first place. kinda just a little weird. they're definitely both at fault, but i think you just need to let them explain themselves and then decide after if you can forgive them. especailly if you actually do care about them and want them to remain a part of your life.

letopho said...


Love it.
I agree with you. Honesty is the most important thing to me. My friend was dating my ex for 6 months before telling me.

I was upset that he hid it. But if it's something you're ashamed about and feel the need to hide, then well.. your relationship is that much less valid.

Doug said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug said...

Thank you for all your comments everyone. I'm glad that everyone sees it the way I see it. But I've had the whole day to cool off and I think I'm going to just let it go and chalk it up to a lesson learned.. it'll make me a better person if I don't hold the grudge. I mean, it was early enough that there really was no harm done, so I can't really be that mad.

I'll speak to James again, but I don't think our friendship can be the same as before. And I've already spoken briefly with Ohio again, just to keep things civil.

Am I being much too nice a person?...

Xtremeforce said...

Godfrey I think it's the total opposite. Did you ever hear of the expression blood is thicker than water? Well in this case it's not a relative but its a friend who is or should be like a relative. So in turn James new Doug was dating or smitten with Ohio and should have backed away. There is no two ways about it. If you have to keep something quiet right there you know your doing something wrong and James new that. A friend=trust and if there is no trust then therer is no friendship and if James did it this one time who is to say if Doug is dating some guy that James won't do this again he has broken his trust and I personably would not be his friend. Sorry thats my take.