Sunday, August 31, 2008

Blogging From My iPhone

Just trying this out.
I figure when a twitter is not enough, I can post a full blown post via this mobile email feature. Perfect since I have an iPhone.

Well, might as well update. No response from my guy yet. I should give him a name. I'll think of one soon.

One Hundred Pushups

Another reason I wanted to start a blog was to track my fitness. I'm really going to try and keep up with staying fit. I'm not completely out of shape, but I would like have a better, more fit body. And just stay healthy.

So the first real plan that I'm sticking to is the "one hundred push ups" plan that was recommended to me by a friend from the internet. Basically, you follow a routine of ascending number of push ups throughout 8 weeks, and by the end, you will be able to do 100 consecutive push ups. Sounds pretty cool right? I just started Week 1, and I'm happy to say that I've stayed with it! HAHA. I'm hoping that this blog will motivate me to keep going.

If you're interested in this routine as well, you can visit it here: one hundred push ups

Waiting It Out

Ok, I've decided that I'm NOT going to write any more emails to this guy until I get a response. I just need to really show some restraint and NOT email him. Every time I email him, I feel like I'm making it worse for myself. So i'm just going to wait for his reply. If he never replies, then obvious that means something. Soooo, I just have to stick it out and NOT email him. It's gonna be REALLY hard... but I think it's the only way. :(

The hard part is finding stuff to do to keep my mind off of him! I haven't had these feelings for someone in a long, LONG time. And I'm not even sure what brought on such strong feelings! Well... I have a few ideas... but all this for someone I only met once and had email correspondence with before that. It's just so not me... I don't understand myself right now.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

New Developments

So I got an email response from him. I was so happy to get one back! He explained that he had been swamped with work and finally has the weekend off now. He also was dealing with some personal issues involving his two ex-es. And to top it all off, he feels like he's getting sick.

Well, I of course emailed him back, letting him know that I appreciate his email back and hope that he's feeling better. I also sent him a "Get Well Soon" e-card.. something cute and funny.

Alright, well, the e-card lets me know when he has received and read the card. So he already read it. but no response back from him. In my email, I also asked him to just be honest with me and let me know how he feels towards me. Was that too straight forward? Well, I haven't gotten a response....

I think I might as well just give up. I hate feeling like some love sick puppy. This is such a horrible feeling to not get anything in return. I just have to learn from this I guess. It was naive to think the perfect guy could've come so easily. I'm not as lucky as I thought I was.

Or maybe I'm still jumping to conclusions too quickly....

I almost wish I never met him cuz it's almost like torture!!

Olympics ROCKED

So, I'm so glad I started this blog because now I can tell everyone how much I LOVED the Olympics. Every part of it! It was my life for those two weeks in August. I TiVo-ed every single thing and watched ALL of it. I was obsessed. HAHA.

And my absolute favorite out of the entire games, and my crush right now:

Alexander (Sasha) Artemev from the US Gymnastics Team

So damn cute! And he did so well for the US team. Clinched the Bronze Medal with his routine on the Pommel Horse. My heart ached for him, though, when he fell off the horse for the Individual Event Finals... he totally would've medaled if he had stayed on that horse.

Friday, August 29, 2008

THE Reason for Starting the Blog

There's always some reason for actually starting something new, and in the case of this blog, it's a boy. And I just want a place to talk it out. Maybe writing it out will hepl me see more clearly, answer some of my questions. I'm not necessarily asking for advice from readers, but if I get readers, I would love to hear what you guys think. But I'm getting ahead of myself... here's what's happened in a past few days.

Last Saturday, I received a "smile" on a gay internet dating site. Usually, I ignore them because there is no message attached to "smiles." But for some reason, I decided to check out the profile of the smiler. Getting into the profile, I don't see any description, any pictures... just some stats. Usually, I ignore profiles with no description or pictures. But for some reason, I decided to reply back. And I'm so glad I made that decision. It started off like any other messages back and forth on a dating site. But soon, I could tell that there was more to this guy than just looking to screw around.

Ah.... sidebar.... I don't screw around. I've been on the dating site for a while now, but have not met up with anyone. Guess I'm way too nervous. But I've been on the site looking for people to chat with - and before this guy, it's been pretty much a bust. Anyway, back to regularly scheduled posting....

He actually wanted to talk, asked me about my day, talked to me about random things, and I was having a great time just chatting. Soon, we exchanged emails, in which we were able to talk more in depth about different things. Also, we swapped pics. CUTE! Pretty soon, we talked about what we did, and he told me he worked for a big entertainment company that's both in California and Florida... Yes, the same entertainment company that I work for. Small world. However, he's stationed in Florida and travels out to California for special projects.

We also talked about my being closeted and the idea of coming out. This led to his story and his coming out and I felt so thrilled that someone was sharing their story with me. I had not had anyone to open up to and it was great to just talk about it someone. This made me interested in him even more. Then, surprisingly, he invited me over to watch some TV. And it got real REAL fast. Like I said, I had never met up with anyone online before and though I felt really comfortable talking to him online, meeting up was a different thing. But he assured me that he was a cool guy and if I really was uncomfortable, I could just leave. So, weighing the pros and cons all the way up to his hotel room, I finally decided to take the plunge and knock on his door.

He opened the door, and boy was he cute, and immediately gave me a giant hug. Good start. He invited me in, offered me some water, and we sat down and watched TV. For the next hour and a half, we just chatted about everything. I had such a great time talking about nothing, everything. And as we talked, we sat closer and closer together. Soon, my knee touched his knee, and my leg touched his leg. I let me hand drop beside his hand and he locked his fingers with mine. I felt so incredibly comfortable with him. And did I mention this was my first time being this close with another guy? But I didn't care. It felt completely natural and was what I wanted. We rested our heads on each other and before I knew it, we were kissing. And wow what a great feeling that was. He was so gentle, and a great kisser. :)

In short, the night was a great one. Yes, things did get physical and it was amazing. But the best part was cuddling beside each other and falling asleep in each others arms. I had a great night's sleep. And I felt like such a lucky guy to have had him to cuddle up to. The next morning, he had to get ready for his last day of work out here in California. I watched him get ready: ironing his shirt, shaving, getting dressed, packing up. He was so damn cute. But he really was leaving and we gave each other one last kiss and we said goodbye. We promised to email each other as we left.

I walked away with a big smile on my face, thinking about what a great night I had. I got home, and after some breakfast, I got on my computer and wrote him an email expressing how much fun I had.

Unfortunately, I had to wait an entire day to get a reply from him. He had a long flight and a long day before he had time to write an email back. In the email, he also thanked me for an amazing night. And he agreed that cuddling was the best part of the night. And after receiving the email, I was on cloud nine that he felt the same way, and I wrote him back a reply.

But that was a two days ago. No reply from my cute boy. I read the email more carefully, and he wrote this:

In the right time and place, I would totally date you. I can tell that your a guy looking for something with substance. Only time will tell and lead you down the path to happiness. I may have a trip to Pairs in mid September and then back to Anaheim in October.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

I didn't even think anything of the first sentence when I read it because when we were sitting and chatting in his hotel room, he had mentioned that he'd "totally date me." And I just thought he was repeating himself. But now, I'm not so sure. "In the RIGHT TIME AND PLACE..." Is he trying to cut things off with me? Or is he really just repeating himself? Does it just mean that we live so far away that nothing can really happen?

I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I want to just keep emailing him, telling him about my day and that I think about him pretty much constantly... but I know that would just totally scare him away. I mean, yeah, I definitely understand that having a relationship with each other would probably not work out since we live hundreds of miles away from each other, but why no emails back? And I can't imagine him being such an "asshole" guy as to not email me back at all. I just don't understand what's going on.

I'll wait a day or two more, but I'm hoping I won't have to wait too much longer. But until then, I'll be checking my email every single second of every day. What do you guys think it all means?


Of course it's only fitting that I introduce myself when starting a new blog. I've been wanting to start my own blog for a long time. There's a lot of things that I just need to express and a blog is really the only place that I can do it.

First, I want to thank Matt at Debriefing The Boys for giving me the inspiration to start my own blog. I've been a loyal reader of his blog for a while now and the way he's so open and honest about everything is something I want to emulate. If I can be half as eloquent as him, I will be happy. :)

I feel like I'm a dime a dozen here in the blog world, but I am a closeted 23 year old who's so desperately trying to figure out his life. For the past 6 years, I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We met in high school, shared many common interests, and just had great fun with each other. While I was denying my true feelings inside, I did fall in love with her and we had some great years together. But towards the end of our relationship, I really couldn't deny it much more. Basically, she found my porn and it went pretty much downhill from there. However, we've stayed incredibly close and we're still best friends. So I'm just happy that she's still there for me.

As for why I couldn't deny myself much more, I started working for a big entertainment company in Southern California that's notorious for being open to gays (isn't too hard to figure it out, but I'm never gonna actually say it). And just being around them reminds myself of who I really am. However, I was still with my girlfriend, and the friends that I made at work knew me as straight. So herein lies my predicament. I'm no longer with my girlfriend, and everyone knows that we broke up, but for past 4 years, I've lied to all my friends about being gay. So while you may think it'd be easy to just come out to all my gay friends, I just feel like I'm a big fat liar. But I'm working on it, and I hope that the Right Time and Place will come along where I can let everyone know the real me.