Mommy Issues #2

I just received a comment on my first "Mommy Issues" post from ChelseaNoob. And I just want to thank him for sharing his story with me. He has recently come out to his parents and offered some advice to me about coming out to my own parents.

But I think the biggest problem with coming out to my parents is the communication factor. At times I really do just want to come out to them and tell them how I feel and everything that's going on in my head. However, I fear that may be an impossible task. My primary language is English and I do all my thinking in English. I know what I want to say to them... but it's all in English. My parents' primary language is Chinese. When I speak to them, I try my best to speak to them in Chinese. But even in everyday language, I sometimes can't find the words I need. So coming out to them in Chinese is definitely out of the question. But I wouldn't be able to speak to them in English either, because they probably wouldn't understand half the things I'm saying to them.

It's a dilemma. I feel that when I do come out to them, I want to be able to speak from my heart, and not have something scripted. It's just another reason why I'll never be able to come out to them.

Razz

I just updated myself on several blogs and I was so saddened to hear about the passing of Razz. I am literally in tears right now reading about it. Razz's blog was one of the first blogs I followed. I was drawn by his wit and humor. And he let us into his life so freely and I loved that about him. I had the pleasure of emailing and messaging him a few times and I will treasure those conversations.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Razz's friends and family. The world has lost a great, courageous, funny, fun-loving, exceptional guy and the world will miss him. I'M going to miss him.

Love you, Chris.

Florida

OMG, two posts within an hour?! HAHA, well.. I couldn't keep this one from the blog because it's about Jamie. And I write everything I think about Jamie on this blog. Which means I haven't really thought about Jamie for a really long time, which is a good thing I guess.

but just now, I chatted with Jamie on Facebook. Just kinda caught up. I did message him first. It was 1:15am my time, which means it was 4:15am his time, so I just thought I'd message to ask why he was still up. We then talked about work and other things going on in our lives. We kinda geeked out about NASA because he was able to go to the Apollo Launch Complex the other day and stand on the launch pad. His brother works for them so he was granted special access. It just made me think about our times together and our conversations before. And then he told me that he should try to get to sleep and that maybe he should jack off until he passes out. So naturally I said, "wish I could be there to help you." And then he says, "me too." ... Why is he so cute and why is he all the way across the country? Sigh.... FML.

I'm going to Florida this June. June 11-16 to be exact. I'm not getting my hopes up. But it'd be nice to at least see him when I'm there.

Mommy Issues

So yesterday, my family came down to visit me. It was my mom, my dad, my sister, and her two kids. They stayed at my apartment for an hour or so. My dad had never seen my apartment before so he was interested to see what it looked like. My niece played the Wii Fit for a bit. It was fun times watching her do the hula hoop game. hehe. Afterward, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. I got the Ultimate Feast. SOO freakin' good! And then they drove home.

I got home, turned on the TV and relaxed, but about 15 minutes into whatever I was watching, I just got super tired and let my head rest on one of my couch pillows. I proceeded to sleep through the entire episode. This was at 9pm... I usually don't sleep until 3am. So it was weird. So I just decided to go with it and go to bed and sleep. Which I did. And I had a horrible dream.

So, in my dream, I was living at home again with my parents. My mom and dad were both in the dream. We were back in my old house where I grew up in. My mom comes in my room and tells me that it's time for me to be sent to church. She had somehow found out about me being gay and wanted to send me to my aunt's church to fix the problem. My father agreed. I locked myself in my room and refused to go. I then snuck out of the house, stole one of the cars, and drove off... crying. And that's when I woke up.

It was horrible... I was awake in my bed and just couldn't move or think about anything else. It was so weird. It's a very real possibility that my mom and dad would want to send me somewhere if she found out that I'm gay. Which is why I don't ever want to tell her... ever! But then I also have times when I think about later on in my life when I find someone I want to be with but can never tell my family about him. What is THAT gonna be like? It's just an incredibly frustrating, sad, and horrible situation. My parents are not understanding. They're Chinese. They don't accept homosexuality. Sigh... FML.

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