Ok... I'm SO Gay..

HAHA, I can't deny it. I'm gay... because I'm SO into figure skating right now. It has rapidly become my latest hobby and probably one of my "phases" in which I pick up something and then drop it in a matter of weeks. HOWEVER, I'm hoping it's not just a phase and that I continue with it because I'm actually having lots of fun and I'm seeing results.

Last week, after watching the Men's Figure Skating on the Olympics, my friends and I were motivated to go ice skating ourselves. We found a night and went to the nearby rink and had TONS of fun. I hadn't been on the ice in years and it was great to just skate around. Before we left, we went on YouTube to learn how to do some simple jumps and spins. We actually got a few good pointers because we were able to do some tricks. They were UGLY.. but we did them!

After that night, I was hooked. I immediately went on youTube again and researched more. I looked up the ice rink's website and found that they offer classes. I've been in contact with the rink manager and he's going to give me a quick evaluation to see where I place in the classes. And then they're going to start in April. And they're relatively cheap. Actually a very good deal. I've also went online and bought my own pair of figure skates. :P I figured if I'm going to be going a lot, I'd rather have my own pair of skates. And they weren't that expensive! They're not the best because those can cost up to $500!! But I got a pair for $60 that are going to be just fine for me. I can't wait to skate on the ice with them next week.

I went again today with my friend, who I found out last week, used to be a trained figure skater! He stopped training years ago, but when he was there with me today, he looked so good! He taught me some technique and corrected me on my skating. He gave me some good pointers to help me. I learned how to do the backwards crossover... that's the thing that the figure skaters do when they skate backwards and are making a turn. That was my goal for today.. to learn how to do that. I had NO idea how to do it before, but now I can do it! Again, it looks sort of ugly and choppy, but HEY, I can do it and I just need more practice. I'm definitely bringing my friend along every time I go!

Anyway, here's a video of me doing those backward crossovers. :) My goal is to be able to do a double jump. I will die a happy man if I can have that under my belt.
And THAT is why I'm SOO gay.

Mommy Issues

So yesterday, my family came down to visit me. It was my mom, my dad, my sister, and her two kids. They stayed at my apartment for an hour or so. My dad had never seen my apartment before so he was interested to see what it looked like. My niece played the Wii Fit for a bit. It was fun times watching her do the hula hoop game. hehe. Afterward, we went to Red Lobster for dinner. I got the Ultimate Feast. SOO freakin' good! And then they drove home.

I got home, turned on the TV and relaxed, but about 15 minutes into whatever I was watching, I just got super tired and let my head rest on one of my couch pillows. I proceeded to sleep through the entire episode. This was at 9pm... I usually don't sleep until 3am. So it was weird. So I just decided to go with it and go to bed and sleep. Which I did. And I had a horrible dream.

So, in my dream, I was living at home again with my parents. My mom and dad were both in the dream. We were back in my old house where I grew up in. My mom comes in my room and tells me that it's time for me to be sent to church. She had somehow found out about me being gay and wanted to send me to my aunt's church to fix the problem. My father agreed. I locked myself in my room and refused to go. I then snuck out of the house, stole one of the cars, and drove off... crying. And that's when I woke up.

It was horrible... I was awake in my bed and just couldn't move or think about anything else. It was so weird. It's a very real possibility that my mom and dad would want to send me somewhere if she found out that I'm gay. Which is why I don't ever want to tell her... ever! But then I also have times when I think about later on in my life when I find someone I want to be with but can never tell my family about him. What is THAT gonna be like? It's just an incredibly frustrating, sad, and horrible situation. My parents are not understanding. They're Chinese. They don't accept homosexuality. Sigh... FML.

2008 in Music

2008 has been a pretty interesting year for me. So many things happened in my life: traveled to Canada/New York, went on a Caribbean Cruise, broke up with my girlfriend, found an apartment to live on my own, had my first sexual experiences with boys, met Jamie, admitted to myself and accepted that I was gay, started a blog, came out to my friends, met some great online friends, flew to Florida to see Jamie, went to my first gay club/bar, dressed up "sexy" for Halloween, had my first real date with a boy, had my first bad date with a boy, campaigned for Prop 8, got drunk in Vegas, obsessed over a boy online who ignored me, met Matty, found out I don't have a job come 2009, went on a date with Matty, slept with Matty, and now writing this blog entry. :) I'd say that it's been a pretty eventful year, filled with ups and downs.

So to celebrate the year 2008, I thought I'd post a bunch of my favorite songs that I listened to during this year. Some of them have special meaning to me, and I will write a bit about them under the video if that's the case. Hope you guys like the songs!

Timbaland feat. OneRepublic - Apologize


Mary Poppins (Broadway) - Chim Cher-ee/Supercalifragilisticexpealidocioius

When I went to New York to visit my friends, I was able to catch Mary Poppins on Broadway! :) It was such an amazing show! And Gavin Lee, who plays Bert, is pretty cute! Can't wait until the touring cast comes to Los Angeles!

Duffy - Mercy


Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love


Twice Charmed: An Original Twist on the Cinderella Story - Chasing a Dream

I took a Caribbean Cruise on the Disney Cruise Line to visit my friend who was working on the boat. I was so impressed by this show! I loved every bit of it! I'm such a Disney goob!

John Williams - Olympics Fanfare

August 2008 was an amazing month because it was time for the Olympics!! I remember spending every free moment at home watching the Olympics! I couldn't get enough of it! And I think the most memorable moment must have been the 4x100 Freestyle Relay where Jason Lezak made up a full body's length to win the gold for the US! OH SO AMAZING! I love the Olympics!

Imogen Heap - Goodnight and Go

Want to thank David from Some Things About Me for posting about this song. Because ever since I heard it, I just loved it. And plus, it was kinda my "theme song" for Jamie. Not that Jamie deserves a theme song.. it just reminded me of him when I first heard it because so much of the lyrics rang true at that time.

Royksopp - Only This Moment

This song was sent to me by my good UK friend Barry :) From the first time I heard it, I really liked it. But funny story that goes along with this: I had put this song on my playlist on my iPhone. This was back when only Jon and Miles were the only ones who knew I was gay. I had left my iPhone playlist on speaker at lunch and people were listening to the songs. This song comes on and someone at the table asks, "Why is there a gay club in this phone right now?" Miles and Jon just looks at each other and starts laughing because it was my phone and I had JUST told them I was gay a few days before this happened. I dunno, I guess it's just funny to us... definitely an "inside joke" moment for the three of us.

Rhianna - Disturbia


Celine Dion - To Love You More

Another reason why I admitted to myself I was gay: I enjoy Celine Dion. LOL

Adele - Hometown Glory



Jem - Got It Good

AMAZING song that I think everyone should listen to. Just makes me feel all warm inside when I listen to it.

Jon Stewart Rocks My Socks

Jon Stewart is one of my favorite people in the entire world. I don't know why I stopped putting "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" on my DVR!

Here he is with Governor Mike Huckabee, debating about same sex marriage. I just really appreciate that the two of them had a very civil, intelligent debate on this topic... with a little humor thrown in as well, of course.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

(Thanks Ja from gym ra(n)t for this video!)
My favorite quote from the video: "At what age did you choose to not be gay?" GO JON STEWART!

10 Things About Me

Well, I know I'm a little late to the game with these "10 things about me" posts, but I figured this would be the perfect time for me to do it since it's my 100th blog post! It was a little over 3 months ago when I first started this post. It's amazing to think that I've had so many experiences in such a short amount of time. And I'm so happy that I started the blog so that I can look back on everything I went through. And I'm also so happy to have you guys out there to chat with and share these experiences with. I've gotten to know some of you pretty well.

But I know that there are so many more of you out there. SO please don't be afraid to write me a comment or an email (nytedragon@gmail.com) or even a message on Yahoo (NerdeusMaximus) or AIM (PowerOfBlast1). I would love to get to know more of you!

So I dedicate this 100th Post to all of you out there! =)

1. I was born in Hong Kong, China in the 22nd hour of October 17, 1984. I am six years younger than my sister. My parents had apparently tried really hard for another baby after my sister and were ecstatic to find out that they were having a son. Asians have this thing about favoring having sons over daughters... passing down the family line and blah blah blah. Wow, what a disappointment I'm going to be to them if/when they found out that I'm gay...

2. I have a "body cracking" routine when I go to sleep. When I get in bed, I lie on my back and bring my knees (one at a time) up and slightly to the side of my chest. This pops my hips. Then I keep my knees to my chest and twist my lower body to one side while keep my upper body still. This helps crack me back/spine. I do this on both sides, which relieves SOO much tension off my lower back. (I've mentioned that I have scoliosis so I have a lot of tension on my lower back). Then I adjust my hips left and right to make sure I'm comfortable. Then I bring my right ear to my right shoudler, and use my arm to assist my neck to crack. I do the same on the left side. Then I clasp my hands behind my head and bring my chin to my chest, slowly moving my head left and right. This cracks and relieves tension off my upper spine. And after all that, I'm totally relaxed and I usually fall asleep within a few minutes. Feels SOOOO good!

3. I have decided that my favorite movie is "Love Actually." Watched it tonight and loved every minute of it. Some of the scenes just makes me cry like a baby cuz it's so beautiful. The whole movie so well written!

4. I have secret aspirations to become a Broadway star. I think that would be the coolest thing to perform on Broadway. If only I could sing or dance...

5. When I was 15, my dad found me watching gay porn on my computer. Naturally, he and my mom freaked out. I don't really remember much because it was a pretty traumatic experience for me. I do remember my mom having a conversation with me asking me if it was my choice to watch the gay porn and then something about genetics. Hm...... Interesting. But that night, my dad came in my room and sat me down. Basically grilled me questions. Don't remember much of these questions. But he was basicaly demanding that I wasn't going to be looking at that stuff anymore. Wow, I just don't remember much from that night at all. But after a few days, to make my mom and dad happy, I remember going into their room and telling them that I had a crush on a girl at school. To this day, my mom still asks me about her.

6. I dated my ex-girlfriend for 6+ years. I've mentioned my ex-gf, Jen, before and how we're still great friends now. So now you know that we have a lot of history together. We started dating when I was a senior in HS and she was a junior. We had some really great times. But I already knew I liked boys at the time, even though I was trying to supress it. I tried convincing myself that I really did like girls, but as years went by, I just couldn't deny it any more. Then one day, while I was on a family vacation in Japan with my family, my ex-gf snooped on my computer and found my porn. She was really angry at me, but when I got back to the US, we decided, somehow, that we would work it out. I don't know what the hell we were thinking. I don't exactly know what we planned when we said we would work it out. I guess maybe I was going to supress my feelings for boys. But it never worked. And finally, after another year, we decided to officially break up. Yes, a year. And it was a pretty sad year. We practically never saw each other (even though we lived together) and just ignored and avoided the problem. Breaking up was the best decision that we made for the both of us. We moved out in June of this year, and the rest is what you all have been reading here.

7. I have a pillow that I have to sleep with at night. It's a pillow that I've had since I was 2. Yes, the same exact pillow. It's a very small pillow... the pillows that you would give to babies. And that's why I call it "Small Pillow." It's the same pillow, but a different pillowcase. But this particular pillowcase I've actually had since I was 6. I sleep with it in my arms every night. I don't take it with me on trips though.. just when I'm at home. These days, I just pretend Small Pillow is a boy that I love and I'm cuddling with him while I sleep.

8. I was, and still am, a HUGE Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan. I wasn't a fan of the movie.. just the TV series. I have all 7 seasons on DVD. And I also have the spinoff series, Angel, all on DVD as well. It was 8 years of my life (Angel went on for one more year longer than Buffy), and I loved every part of it.

9. I have never done anything that you would count as "outdoorsy." I have never gone camping. I have never been at a bonfire. I have never been backpacking. The closest was going to Band Camp up in the mountains, but we still had cabins to stay in and stuff. So it really doesn't count. Though I say I would LOVE to go camping some day, I feel like I'd be too much of a city boy to enjoy "grunging" it in the outdoors. But maybe if I was with a boy that I really like, it wouldn't matter ;)

10. I am Blue-Purple color blind. Those color blind tests with the dots and you see numbers... I can't do those. Most of them, I can't see the correct numbers. They make it so that if you're a certain type of color blindness, we see a different number than those with normal vision. I remember my first time taking the test at the eye doctors, and the doctor had my mom come into the room. I said some number, and my mom was like, "Are you serious? That's the number that you see?" And I was like... "Yea, what's the problem??" LOL. So I can't really distinguish blues and purples very well. I also use it as an excuse for my horrible fashion sense. :P

Well, I hope that this gas given you a better glimpse into my life. If you have any questions or comments about any of it, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me. Again, I love to make new friends online, so just go ahead and email or IM me. :) I promise I'm a nice guy!

My (Gay) Day Off

Wow I think I might have had one of the gayest days of my life today.

I started the day wanting to get a Mystic Tan (those fake spray tans). This is in preparation for Halloween because I don't want to have a farmers tans on my arms or, worse, white legs! So I exfoliated and moisturized my body to get ready for the tanning. Then I called up the tanning place and asked about the whole process and she let me know that the tans last up to 3-5 days.. hm. Well, my parties aren't until Friday and Saturday, so it would be too early to get it today. So then I decided against going. But STILL, I exfoliated! and moisturized!

And then I went and ran some errands with Jon. We went to the new Target store that they built down the street from where we live. I went in and could NOT remember what I needed to buy. I walked out with deodorant and tweezers. Yes, TWEEZERS. lol. Oh, it gets gayer.

We then drove down to Best Buy because I've been wanting this DVD for a while now: Celine Dion, A New Day (her show in Vegas). Sigh. Yes, I'm a big closet Celine fan. She's amazing, and you all know it. Bought the DVD for $16.99, and then Jon and I decided that we wanted to continue our gay day and watch a movie in the theaters. What movie, you ask? Going along with the theme of the day, you MAY have guessed it already... Yes, folks... High School Musical 3: Senior Year!



It actually was REALLY enjoyable. I'm a little bias because I work for Disneyland and everything. But, I liked it a lot. Really entertaining and the dancing was real good. Can't wait until it comes out on DVD!

After the movie, I drove back to my apartment, invited Miles over, and we watched the Celine DVD. Amazing singing. Amazing choreography. Amazing stage. Amazing everything. Celine Dion is .... I can't believe I'm using this word ... FIERCE! But the perfect word to sum up my incredibly gay day. And I loved every minute of it. :)

Used For Sex

Talking to Milo online about J. I think I'm starting to get over it more and more. It's been 9 days since his last email to me. I'm pretty sure that means there's no hope. I'm still sending him one last email once I arrive in Florida, but that's going to be it. Milo tells me he totally used me for sex. I thought it was something more than that. If you read all of the emails we sent to each other, it would sound more than just sex to you too. But I guess he's just a great actor. A great liar. So what can I do now? I guess just check "getting used for sex" off the list and move on.

So now I'm wondering, why doesn't J want to use me for sex again when I'm in Florida?? LOL

Vacation Trouble

Tuesday night, my friends came over to watch TV and during that time, I was on the internet looking at possible vacation dates. My work allows me to get some awesome discounts for some Caribbean cruises so I was looking into those because I have a few friends working on the cruise ship. So, I checked the dates and there was a 3-day Caribbean cruise for only $300 from Sept 18-21. PERFECT. So I scramble to find plane flights. I'm using points from JetBlue to get a free flight. I find the flights I need. I look into hotel stays in Florida because I'm not going out to Florida and not sticking around for a few days to hang out at the theme parks. So I check that as well. It all looks good. Now, can I get the days off of work? So that was the problem... I needed to find people to fill my days. So I frantically message, email, text as many people as I know that can fill my shifts. But I decided to wait until the next day to book my flights and the cruise because I wanted to make sure I could do it. But I was excited that I was going to be spontaneous and just GO!


Well, Wednesday morning comes around. I get a few responses back from my co-workers and I have two days out of five filled now. Still waiting on the others. I can potentially call in sick on one day, but I can't call in sick 3 days. So I'm still waiting for more responses. It's around 3pm - I finally get 4 people to fill my shifts, I'm good! So I go to the cruise site to book my cruise..... SOLD OUT! FUCK! I call the cruise line directly... they tell me that it was booked up about an hour or two ago. They tell me that there's still a chance that the discounts can open up later.... great...

So for the next few hours, I'm pretty pissed off at myself. I can't believe I waited so long to book that cruise. It could've been mine! I could've been on it! FUCK! So, 9pm rolls around. I'm talking to my friend PeeJ. I tell him my situation, and he tells me... "Oh, well I'll be home (in Florida) next week... you can just crash at my place for a few days if you want to still go." SCORE!! Hell ya! So the time that I would've been on the cruise, I can just stay at PeeJ's place. And the rest of the time, I was going to get a hotel and stay there myself anyway. FUCK YA!

So I get on JetBlue and book that sucker right away! HAHA.
So I guess it worked out in the end. I now have an 8 day vacation to beautiful Orlando, FL! I'm so happy I made those plane reservations. And I'm still calling the cruise line every day to make sure - just to check if the discounts open up.

Now, knowing that I'm going to be in Florida next week, I emailed J. Here is the complete email:

Hey J,

So ive been talking to my friends on the cruise and it looks like I'm going to be making my trip out to Orlando earlier than expected and it's most likely going to be next week. 17th-24th. I'll be on the 3-day cruise from 18th-21st and then spend the rest of the time at WDW for the food and wine festival. You think you'd want to meet up and hang out while I'm out there?
Let me know. It'd be great to see you if you're free.

-D

I just mentioned the cruise anyway just in case I get to go on the cruise. I think it's not too desperate right? I'm just seeing if he wants to hang out. Really, if he doesn't respond, then so be it. His loss. I might be upset, but I won't let it get me down while I'm on vacation.

I'm excited to be out on vacation on my own. I haven't done that before! And I can just be myself. The REAL me. Maybe I'll go to a club. Maybe I'll meet a guy. I'll just have to be brave and do it. Explore! For all you out there reading this, I hope you will all encourage me to get out there and discover the possibilities. I'm such a timid person and I really just want to change that. Hopefully being in a new environment will bring that out.

Progress

So I forgot to blog about this: the last email I got from J was 3 days ago. In it, he tells me that he may be put on a different project in October and may not be coming back out to California after all. He says he's supposed to come out here, but it's still up in the air. It sucks that I might not be getting my date.

But maybe that will just help me get my mind off him.
In a few hours, it will have been 3 days since I've emailed J. I've restrained myself - and have stopped emailing him. No more emails telling him how my day was or asking how his day was. When I used to do that, I wouldn't get responses from him until 3-4 days later. And each time, his excuse is that he works too much. Well, that MAY be the case, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for his emails anymore. I have other friends that I can email and they will actually respond in a timely manner. So he can make the next move and email me... Let's see when that will be. Any one want to take a guess on when he'll email me again?

-----------------------------------------

So I was talking with JW about my whole ordeal with J. And he tells me, if it makes me feel better, maybe I don't have to completely forget about him. But just put him on the back burner for a while. Keep him in mind, but don't let him control what I do. I thought that was really great advice because it's somewhere in between obsessing over him (which I just don't want to do anymore) and completely forgetting about him (which I'm not ready to do). I'm so glad I came out to JW. I really appreciate his friendship.

But maybe I have to do is write our night together off as just a simple one night stand. Maybe if I just think of it that way, it'll make putting him on the back burner a lot easier. I mean, I'm not truly a gay guy until I have casual sex, right? lol, jk. That was way stereotypical. But really, people have one night stands all the time. I just never thought I would be the guy to have one, but maybe it's something I can be proud of. haha. I did something that I never thought I would do. I had a one night stand with a stranger. How fucking cool is that?! LOL.

Coming Out

What a great night tonight. A few hours ago, I came out to one of my real close friends, JW. He's gay too, so in the back of my mind, I knew it would go well. But it was still pretty hard to do it. And I just felt it was time.

We were chatting on AIM for a while, and there was just an incredible segue that I couldn't pass up. It still took me a little bit to actually press ENTER and say to him "I'm gay," but I finally did it. Funny thing was he didn't respond for about 5-10 seconds and I was like, "Um... say something..." And he tells me: "Sorry, I was on Facebook." So I say, "Gee thanks... I come out to you and you're on Facebook." lol. I'm glad it was a funny experience. And he was cool about it, saying that he was in the same shoes not so long ago so he totally understand. So I just really want to thank JW for making it a lot easier than I thought it would be and for being an awesome friend. He even made me his default pic on MySpace in honor of tonight. haha.

And then we've just been chatting about anything and everything now for the past 3 hours. I'm happy that I did it and it really was a weight off my shoulders. I know I have a lot more people to tell, but I'm glad I made this first step.

Wedding Bells

My friends are getting married in October! The happy couple will be getting married at the Disneyland Resort! This is where the ceremony is going to take place (I believe):

It looks so amazing. So excited!
Oh, I should mention that my friends are guys. They live in New York now, but for obvious reasons, they're getting married back here in California. I'm just excited that I got invited. I've never been to a friend's wedding before! I've only been to my sister's wedding about 5 years ago. Oh jeez, what to wear?! What to get them?! They're registered at Bloomingdales... um, can I even afford anything in there?! Well, I'm just really happy for my friends and it should be an AMAZING ceremony and reception.

Also, I get to bring a guest. I wonder if J will be in California during the wedding... He does owe me that date he promised me....

Why I Can't Deny I'm Gay..

So I went to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant tonight down in Newport Beach, and upon walking out to go back towards my car, I see a dead rat on the sidewalk. Grossed out, but slightly intrigued, I try to take a picture with my iPhone. But it was too dark.

Then my friend notices that there was another dead rat further down in a lit alleyway. So still wanting a picture, I run over to take a quick snapshot. As I got closer to take the shot, the rat wiggles its nose and starts moving! I jumped up and started screaming like a frickin lunatic and ran out of that alleyway. Not my proudest moment..... but a funny one nonetheless. And I didn't even get my picture...

Closure #2

The heart is a very curious thing.

I really thought I had closure, but the more and more I thought about it, it just really didn't give me closure at all. And you're probably going to read this post and you're probably going to ask "What the hell is he doing??" and a part of me is asking the same thing, but the other part, the part that is dictated by my heart, is saying a different thing.

So the email I got from J... long distance relationships didn't work out. But are all long distance relationships doomed? My friend is a perfect example of a great long distance relationship. She met her guy while vacationing in Ireland with her family. Now she lives in California and he lives in Maryland. But they make it work and they're completely in love. You know, they may be the exception to the rule, but the point is that it can happen. And what is to say that it can't happen for J and me? Yes, he's been hurt by two guys due to long distance relationships and it'd be completely hard for him to start another one, but it's just almost unfair that he wouldn't give it a try.

And yes, I wrote him another email. I just laid it all out there. Told him everything that I felt. I told him that he has made a lasting impression on me and that he is just way too great of a guy to pass up on and it would be foolish for me to just simply give up on a relationship without at least trying. I told him that I would be willing to work real hard to be have the privilege to be with him. (oooh damn, I wish I said it like that in the email... damn that 20/20 hindsight!)

Here is what I said at the end:

I hope that you will take time to think about what I've said and reconsider a relationship with me. If you do decide that it'd be too hard, then I will of course respect your decision. But my hope is that I've made enough of an impression on you for you to want to be with me.

"What were you thinking!?"
Well, like I said, I don't want to give up on this without giving it a try. I just couldn't deny what my heart was telling me to do. But now, I really do think that this email will give me the closure that I need. I've said all I wanted to say and if he decides that it'd be too hard, then I'll respect his decision, but this time I know that I tried.

I'm not being unrealistic about it... I just wanted to make sure I got it all out there. And now I have, and now I wait for his response...... again.

Closure

So, I wrote that I wouldn't email my boy again. But I felt like I really needed to write one last email to him explaining things to him and apologizing for my behavior for the past few days. And I think I'm just going to be referring to him as "J" from now on. Here's the email that I sent him:

Hey J,
I just wanted to say sorry if I've been a bit too forward with you, but I felt like you should know how I feel about you. I just had a great time with you the short time we've known each other and you've simply caught me by surprise. In any case, I'm glad you will be coming back to Anaheim in October. If you wanna hang out at that time, then give me a call. Hope you're feeling better, and take care of yourself.
-DL

I felt like it just needed to be said, and a great way for me to put the ball in his court. If he wanted to respond to me, he could. But if he didn't, I would be happy to know that I told him what I needed him to know.

Well, after I sent it, I felt a lot better. I went back to work and I basically had a great day, not thinking about it all. Then about 7pm at night, I receive a response back. Here's an excerpt:

So yes . . . I think about you too. You're a great guy! I don't understand how such a handsome sweet guy like yourself could be single. It doesn't make sense. As far as a relationship goes, I really like you and if we lived in the same time zone, I would date you without question. You're on for that date next time I visit.

You know, this is what I needed to hear. He goes on to talk about long distance relationships and how he lost both of his previous boyfriends to long distance relationships. And he just didn't think it would be fair to either of us to start down that path. And it was completely understandable. He wished that I lived closer... and so do I. But I'm really excited about the date that we're gonna have when he comes back out to California.

Like I said, this is what I needed to hear from him... and I hope that we develop a great friendship with each other. I'm not giving up on him completely though. Who knows what can happen when he comes out in October. But this was the closure that I needed to move on with my life.

Waiting It Out

Ok, I've decided that I'm NOT going to write any more emails to this guy until I get a response. I just need to really show some restraint and NOT email him. Every time I email him, I feel like I'm making it worse for myself. So i'm just going to wait for his reply. If he never replies, then obvious that means something. Soooo, I just have to stick it out and NOT email him. It's gonna be REALLY hard... but I think it's the only way. :(

The hard part is finding stuff to do to keep my mind off of him! I haven't had these feelings for someone in a long, LONG time. And I'm not even sure what brought on such strong feelings! Well... I have a few ideas... but all this for someone I only met once and had email correspondence with before that. It's just so not me... I don't understand myself right now.

THE Reason for Starting the Blog

There's always some reason for actually starting something new, and in the case of this blog, it's a boy. And I just want a place to talk it out. Maybe writing it out will hepl me see more clearly, answer some of my questions. I'm not necessarily asking for advice from readers, but if I get readers, I would love to hear what you guys think. But I'm getting ahead of myself... here's what's happened in a past few days.

Last Saturday, I received a "smile" on a gay internet dating site. Usually, I ignore them because there is no message attached to "smiles." But for some reason, I decided to check out the profile of the smiler. Getting into the profile, I don't see any description, any pictures... just some stats. Usually, I ignore profiles with no description or pictures. But for some reason, I decided to reply back. And I'm so glad I made that decision. It started off like any other messages back and forth on a dating site. But soon, I could tell that there was more to this guy than just looking to screw around.

Ah.... sidebar.... I don't screw around. I've been on the dating site for a while now, but have not met up with anyone. Guess I'm way too nervous. But I've been on the site looking for people to chat with - and before this guy, it's been pretty much a bust. Anyway, back to regularly scheduled posting....

He actually wanted to talk, asked me about my day, talked to me about random things, and I was having a great time just chatting. Soon, we exchanged emails, in which we were able to talk more in depth about different things. Also, we swapped pics. CUTE! Pretty soon, we talked about what we did, and he told me he worked for a big entertainment company that's both in California and Florida... Yes, the same entertainment company that I work for. Small world. However, he's stationed in Florida and travels out to California for special projects.

We also talked about my being closeted and the idea of coming out. This led to his story and his coming out and I felt so thrilled that someone was sharing their story with me. I had not had anyone to open up to and it was great to just talk about it someone. This made me interested in him even more. Then, surprisingly, he invited me over to watch some TV. And it got real REAL fast. Like I said, I had never met up with anyone online before and though I felt really comfortable talking to him online, meeting up was a different thing. But he assured me that he was a cool guy and if I really was uncomfortable, I could just leave. So, weighing the pros and cons all the way up to his hotel room, I finally decided to take the plunge and knock on his door.

He opened the door, and boy was he cute, and immediately gave me a giant hug. Good start. He invited me in, offered me some water, and we sat down and watched TV. For the next hour and a half, we just chatted about everything. I had such a great time talking about nothing, everything. And as we talked, we sat closer and closer together. Soon, my knee touched his knee, and my leg touched his leg. I let me hand drop beside his hand and he locked his fingers with mine. I felt so incredibly comfortable with him. And did I mention this was my first time being this close with another guy? But I didn't care. It felt completely natural and was what I wanted. We rested our heads on each other and before I knew it, we were kissing. And wow what a great feeling that was. He was so gentle, and a great kisser. :)

In short, the night was a great one. Yes, things did get physical and it was amazing. But the best part was cuddling beside each other and falling asleep in each others arms. I had a great night's sleep. And I felt like such a lucky guy to have had him to cuddle up to. The next morning, he had to get ready for his last day of work out here in California. I watched him get ready: ironing his shirt, shaving, getting dressed, packing up. He was so damn cute. But he really was leaving and we gave each other one last kiss and we said goodbye. We promised to email each other as we left.

I walked away with a big smile on my face, thinking about what a great night I had. I got home, and after some breakfast, I got on my computer and wrote him an email expressing how much fun I had.

Unfortunately, I had to wait an entire day to get a reply from him. He had a long flight and a long day before he had time to write an email back. In the email, he also thanked me for an amazing night. And he agreed that cuddling was the best part of the night. And after receiving the email, I was on cloud nine that he felt the same way, and I wrote him back a reply.

But that was a two days ago. No reply from my cute boy. I read the email more carefully, and he wrote this:

In the right time and place, I would totally date you. I can tell that your a guy looking for something with substance. Only time will tell and lead you down the path to happiness. I may have a trip to Pairs in mid September and then back to Anaheim in October.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

I didn't even think anything of the first sentence when I read it because when we were sitting and chatting in his hotel room, he had mentioned that he'd "totally date me." And I just thought he was repeating himself. But now, I'm not so sure. "In the RIGHT TIME AND PLACE..." Is he trying to cut things off with me? Or is he really just repeating himself? Does it just mean that we live so far away that nothing can really happen?

I'm pretty much freaking out right now. I want to just keep emailing him, telling him about my day and that I think about him pretty much constantly... but I know that would just totally scare him away. I mean, yeah, I definitely understand that having a relationship with each other would probably not work out since we live hundreds of miles away from each other, but why no emails back? And I can't imagine him being such an "asshole" guy as to not email me back at all. I just don't understand what's going on.

I'll wait a day or two more, but I'm hoping I won't have to wait too much longer. But until then, I'll be checking my email every single second of every day. What do you guys think it all means?

Introductions...

Of course it's only fitting that I introduce myself when starting a new blog. I've been wanting to start my own blog for a long time. There's a lot of things that I just need to express and a blog is really the only place that I can do it.

First, I want to thank Matt at Debriefing The Boys for giving me the inspiration to start my own blog. I've been a loyal reader of his blog for a while now and the way he's so open and honest about everything is something I want to emulate. If I can be half as eloquent as him, I will be happy. :)

I feel like I'm a dime a dozen here in the blog world, but I am a closeted 23 year old who's so desperately trying to figure out his life. For the past 6 years, I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We met in high school, shared many common interests, and just had great fun with each other. While I was denying my true feelings inside, I did fall in love with her and we had some great years together. But towards the end of our relationship, I really couldn't deny it much more. Basically, she found my porn and it went pretty much downhill from there. However, we've stayed incredibly close and we're still best friends. So I'm just happy that she's still there for me.

As for why I couldn't deny myself much more, I started working for a big entertainment company in Southern California that's notorious for being open to gays (isn't too hard to figure it out, but I'm never gonna actually say it). And just being around them reminds myself of who I really am. However, I was still with my girlfriend, and the friends that I made at work knew me as straight. So herein lies my predicament. I'm no longer with my girlfriend, and everyone knows that we broke up, but for past 4 years, I've lied to all my friends about being gay. So while you may think it'd be easy to just come out to all my gay friends, I just feel like I'm a big fat liar. But I'm working on it, and I hope that the Right Time and Place will come along where I can let everyone know the real me.