The Search for a BF

More and more, I'm thinking about how nice it would be to have a relationship with a guy that I love and that loves me back for who I am. I hadn't really thought too much about having a boyfriend until recently. I mean, yes, I've wanted to meet guys and date. But I think I'm finally ready to have a relationship with a boy. I've become a LOT more comfortable with myself and how I live my life. It would just be great to have someone to have fun with, laugh with, talk to, etc.

The only problem is, I still haven't figured out how to find the guy of my dreams. I seem to be looking in all the wrong places. When will I finally find him? And how will it end up happening?

The Talk...

Well, I had the talk with Jason. I intended on doing it in person, but we were talking online and the topic came up and I just needed to address it. I think I will just copy and paste our conversation (not in its entirety but enough for you all to get the gist of it):

Doug: hmmm... since you're bringing it up... I just have to ask... where are we at right now? I like you, and I just want to know if we're just pretty much going to be friends and that's it, or if there's potential for more? I'm not trying to put any pressure on you

Jason: sorry Doug we have talked about this before. but I am just not up for dating.

D: Just not up for dating? Or just not up for dating me?

J: Just not up for dating. but that doesn't mean it won't change. It might, it might not. But dating is not on my list. I knew us having sex was leading you on. I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that.

D: No, that's not it. It's actually not the sex that's leading me on. I guess I just feel like everything that we do outside of the bedroom feels like casual dating to me. I mean, I don't want the pressures of commitment right now either. I guess we just have different ideas of dating. I think my only thing is that I feel like we're more than just "friends." But we're definitely not boyfriends either, which is fine by me.

J: Ok, I know we are definitely more affectionate than friends, that is true. Well then I guess casual dating is fine. I just don't want to hurt you if I, and I'm not saying that I will, do find someone that completely changes things. And I want you to be able to tell me if you've met someone else as well. And just say that you want to be with him.

D: Well, I can do that. But only if you promise me that you'll let me know when you're ready for more then. But no pressure from me, cuz I like where we're at right now.

Well, I got my answers. And they're not all the answers that I hoped for. I think we both did a little compromising. I just want to tell you all that I really AM fine with where we're at right now. Like I've described to you, I feel like everything that we've done together is considered dating. Like he said, we're definitely more affectionate than just friends. Which is why I really just didn't like that word being used. But hanging out, going to dinners, cuddling, watching TV together, kissing, having sex -- I'm all for it right now. And do I need the pressures of being boyfriends?... perhaps not. I never really said that I wanted to be boyfriends with him. Sure, I do think there's potential for us to be, and if it so happens that we do become boyfriends, I'd like that too. But NOT being boyfriends is not a dealbreaker. I'm really not looking for one right now.

So I guess we're in a good place. I really wanted this to be an in-person talk, but I just needed to know and couldn't wait. I know many of you are just going to tell me that he's no good for me and that I should find someone else. Well, you're probably right. But I'm not going to be actively searching for someone else either. I'll go on the online dating hookup site and check things out. I actually started chatting with a really cute boy last night. And there's also the cute boy at work that I've started chatting with online and through texting too. So I'm keeping my options open.

But for now, Jason and I are casually dating each other. Maybe now he'll stop using the word "friend" every chance he gets.

Potential Boyfriend?

So I'm getting mixed signals from Jason. Don't get me wrong, things between us are still great. We're hanging out a lot, we talk all the time. He even came over to help me move my new apartment (which I am SO thankful for). But I'm getting different signals about what he wants for the two of us.

First, let me just describe the things we've done together and our friendship/relationship so far. We've had dinner together multiple times. We went to the Ringling Bros. circus together, along with my friends. He has met some of my closest friends. He had me over at his birthday party and held my hand several times at night to lead me around. He introduced me to his closest friends. We go to the gym together. He's playful with me (i.e. He'll playfully nudge me when we're standing side by side, he pinned me down and tickled me for a good few minutes). We like to watch TV together and have made plans to watch certain shows/DVDs. We've slept over at each other's apartments. He's given me a toothbrush head of my own for his electric toothbrush. Oh.. and we have sex a lot.

The flip side to this... he has mentioned in the beginning of our friendship that he's not looking to date right now. He asked if we could be friends with benefits. He seems to use the word "friends" a lot (i.e. I thanked him for helping me move, and he replies with "what are friends for?").

The latest thing on this flip side is what he told me when he came to help me move. As we're getting ready to move my entertainment center, he tells me that the night before he was at a birthday party for his friend that he used to hookup with, and the friend asked if he wanted to have a threesome, which he agreed to. He went on to describe the experience, saying that he wasn't enjoying it so much since the other two were more into each other. While I was listening to him describe it, I couldn't help but feel a little sad inside. Of course I didn't let it show in my face, cuz we're only just friends, but it was pretty tough to hear about his hookups because I really do like him.

But back on the positive side of things, he later said something that I have interpreted to be a good sign. I asked what he was doing after he finished helping me move and he told me that he was possibly going to a wedding reception with his friend. However, his friend still had not replied back to his texts/voicemails about whether or not she's going. And then he says, "She's with her potential boyfriend herself." Ok, after he said that, I was going through my head what that was implying. He could have easily just said, "She's with her potential boyfriend." But because he added the word "herself," it sounds to me like he was calling me his potential boyfriend. And then, you may say that he just accidentally slipped in the word "herself" and it doesn't mean anything. But then again, why would he even mention her potential boyfriend. Why would he need to tell me that? I've asked three of my friends what they think of it... 2 out of 3 agree with me that he was calling me his potential boyfriend and the 3rd just said it meant nothing.

Well, I think I've pretty much written down everything in my relationship with Jason and I'm hoping that you guys can give me your opinions. I know several of you have already expressed that my relationship with Jason doesn't seem to be a good one that will last, and if you still feel the same way, I would still like to hear it. I just want to know what you guys think and any advice you may have for me.

I do plan to talk to him about it soon. Even if he just confirms that I'm a potential boyfriend, I will be happy. Even if he just says that we're "dating," then I'm happy. I don't need to be his boyfriend right now. But I guess I would like to know if we could possibly be boyfriends in the future.

I'm sorry I'm so all over the place with this. I don't know if you can tell...but I like this guy. lol. So my mind just goes at 100mph when I talk about him. Anyway, let me know what you think. :)

Closure

So, I wrote that I wouldn't email my boy again. But I felt like I really needed to write one last email to him explaining things to him and apologizing for my behavior for the past few days. And I think I'm just going to be referring to him as "J" from now on. Here's the email that I sent him:

Hey J,
I just wanted to say sorry if I've been a bit too forward with you, but I felt like you should know how I feel about you. I just had a great time with you the short time we've known each other and you've simply caught me by surprise. In any case, I'm glad you will be coming back to Anaheim in October. If you wanna hang out at that time, then give me a call. Hope you're feeling better, and take care of yourself.
-DL

I felt like it just needed to be said, and a great way for me to put the ball in his court. If he wanted to respond to me, he could. But if he didn't, I would be happy to know that I told him what I needed him to know.

Well, after I sent it, I felt a lot better. I went back to work and I basically had a great day, not thinking about it all. Then about 7pm at night, I receive a response back. Here's an excerpt:

So yes . . . I think about you too. You're a great guy! I don't understand how such a handsome sweet guy like yourself could be single. It doesn't make sense. As far as a relationship goes, I really like you and if we lived in the same time zone, I would date you without question. You're on for that date next time I visit.

You know, this is what I needed to hear. He goes on to talk about long distance relationships and how he lost both of his previous boyfriends to long distance relationships. And he just didn't think it would be fair to either of us to start down that path. And it was completely understandable. He wished that I lived closer... and so do I. But I'm really excited about the date that we're gonna have when he comes back out to California.

Like I said, this is what I needed to hear from him... and I hope that we develop a great friendship with each other. I'm not giving up on him completely though. Who knows what can happen when he comes out in October. But this was the closure that I needed to move on with my life.